But H is throwing the control button back to me-"You want this separation too!" and "You book the mediation"(that`s for sorting out separation issues-NOT marriage counselling).
I`ve made it plain S is not my first option. And left it to him to book mediation. I refuse to control it in any way. Let it roll.
How are you validating his feelings in this ?
How clear did you make it that this was HIS responsibility ?
This is how HE feels right now...
And if you are booking the Mediator, then he is right....
If you don't want to book this, then don't....
I.E.---I've been thinking about this, and I understand why you feel I want this Seperation....I do not, if you do ? That is your decision, and I have to respect that. I feel differently, and since I do, I have decided it best that you need to make the appointments for this...That way there is NO misunderstanding in the future...
FG, D, Whoever, This is what the "true" changes Jimbo talked about are. Validating should become a part of YOU.....
And something you do because it is part of you, not a ploy to use and then forget about it...
This is something you give because you can, you feel, and you love....
Mach - You just said what I wanted to say w/eloquence!
MB's version: "Dude H, I know you want a D/S. I don't think I'm done trying to reconcile this one yet. I may be in the future, but not until I know I've done all I could to make this work. I love you. If you want a D/S, you'll need to initiate the appointments/discussions. I won't stand in your way, but I won't make it easier either."
HUGS FRIEND!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
MB's version: "Dude H, I know you want a D/S. I don't think I'm done trying to reconcile this one yet. I may be in the future, but not until I know I've done all I could to make this work. I love you. If you want a D/S, you'll need to initiate the appointments/discussions. I won't stand in your way, but I won't make it easier either."
Good, Just seems to be a lot of I's in there....
Anytime you use the words " I " and " You " . then be careful with that....Opening statements for Guilt.....
Also, NEVER let the enemy know your game plan....
Don't have to tell him that you won't make it easy...
Ok Mind, Here is the question. This started for you in 12/07. Sounds like it hit you in Nov of '08 when you started DB'ing. What makes you stay? You are 9 months into the DB'ing part and close to two years living together as roommates. What makes you stay? Do you still see hope of a reconciliation? I do plan on DB'ing for a while. Just don't know if I could hang on that long if there aren't "signs" that our marriage may work again.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Even though it is early in the process--that is what I keep hearing, so I will believe it...I have felt good about the changes in me. It actually feels good not to worry about what people think of me at work. I grew a goatee for the first time. Actually got alot of compliments, some even in front of the W. I have opened myself up to more friends(I sold out and joined facebook) reconnected with friends from high school. Become closer with my family and friends. Overall, I just have let me guard down. I am more engaged with the kids. So, this whole life changing event has had some positives. I just hope she does come to see that things can be different. If you have read the letter I posted from her, she has alot of healing inside to do. I read the threads of some people that have hung on for two years to make it work again. I just hope I have as well as my Wife has the strength to hang on until we hopefully come together again....I know 2 years is a short time in a 50 year marriage, but it sure seems like a lifetime right now...
thanks.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
I like the line about faking it just enough to get her back. I hear on that. I think when this first started I was trying to become all the people she wanted me to be. The question was if she did come back then, which D1 would she be getting? And could I keep up the act. I have come to realize I can't change the person you are(what is in your soul). But there are many things you can do to make yourself a better person. So I have just tried to keep doing the things that make me feel good about myself. Some of the other stuff has dropped by the wayside.
It is amazing the mood swings my wife has on a daily basis. Today, as soon as I saw her in the morning--head down reading a magazine--minimal eye contact. Last night, she was asking me how my day at work was. Will see what kind of person I get when I come home from work tonight.
I also get your point on finding something else she doesn't like. In one of my "2 month" guilt letters to her, I listed the 18 things she has said in the last two months on what she didn't like about me..So you are right, this was number 19...
I am sure number 20 is right around the corner.
Thanks.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
Ok Mind, Here is the question. This started for you in 12/07. Sounds like it hit you in Nov of '08 when you started DB'ing. What makes you stay? You are 9 months into the DB'ing part and close to two years living together as roommates. What makes you stay? Do you still see hope of a reconciliation? I do plan on DB'ing for a while. Just don't know if I could hang on that long if there aren't "signs" that our marriage may work again.
If I may.....
Bombed 9/07
It is understanding D...
Understanding that this isn't about me, and this is a journey for her.
That it is NOT up to me to end this thing.
It's knowing that I can look myself and my children in the eye one day and freakin know that I gave it my all.
Knowing that if there is ONE chance in a million, somebody has to be the ONE in that mess.....
But it also knowing that my life is moving forward for me right now, and if things come around again for her, then I will see where I am then.
No one is expecting anyone to stop living their lives...
It is about having that shot at the anniversary....
It is also looking into the eyes of my wife and knowing that there is something deep inside that cannot come out just yet.
Something that even she doesn't know yet brewing inside of her....
If she had Cancer, would I turn my back on her ?
Would you ?
That timeline thing is gonna do you in bro....
Cause if this is really MLC, and you are only giving yourself a year .....
Then you have already failed....
Faith comes from within....it also projects....
So to answer your question directly.....
Do I see signs of reconciliation?
Not necessarily, what I do see is a bright red flashing light that screams MLC....
I am not sure how far you are into your mess..But sounds very similar to mine. My W has talked about getting a mediator around three times. Last time was two weeks ago when(for the last time I swear) I posed the relationship question. I got back, I want a divorce. Then she said I don't want a divorce until we can be friends post divorce. I replied that will never happen. She hasn't filed and you know what I don't anticipate her filing anytime soon. I think your H and my W have alot to work out in their heads. If you saw the letter my W wrote to her friends that I posted, you will see she has issues.
Mach and Jimbo's comments about this is their Journey is entirely true. I have made every mistake you can so far. I have included my family and friends. She won't face them anymore. That adds pressue if there is to be a reconciliation down the road. I have held up(just this week again) the I've changed sign.
I do see my W is alone in her mind quite a bit. There is such a wall built around her right now, no emotion is getting out. I know it is in there. Many people think I am the crazy one for staying and saying that I am going to ride this out. That I am the one getting walked on, swallowing pride.
I have 3 sons. I am there only shot at a normal life at this point. We only get one shot in raising your kids. You screw this up, nothing else really matters in life. I am not saying stay together for the kids. I am saying stay together for each other. I don't plan on staying in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life or living like roommates.
I do feel the same way, that it seems the only way they ever figure it out is if they are sitting in that apartment alone. For the guy however, based on Illinois Law, that would probably be me seeing my kids on the weekends and one day during the week.
I hate this as much as you. I still wake up at 3 am everynight. I still have problems sleeping in the same bed with her. When she isn't around, I sometimes can't even watch our favorite show(Rescue Me)becasue I think all the times we would laugh and enjoy each others company--or so I thought.
I guess what I am trying to say is the life is about choices. I believe love is a choice. Yours and Mine marriages are a choice. I just hope for yours and my sake our spouses choose to Love us again. Love our families again. Love themselves again.....I just wish it would end soon, but it won't. We have to get up everyday and endure this pain and anguish. It is our choice now to continue down this path and to let them continue down their path. Hopefully both ours will meet again someday soon.
Take Care
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
