Hi girlfromoz Just incase you don't get to see my post of today, I wanted to share with you that I have utilised the services of Relationships Australia for counselling this morning. I only waited two weeks for an appointment and it has not cost me anything, due to my current financial situation. Just wondering if the same may be any good for you?
Locations There are 15 Family Relationship Centres (FRCs) in Victoria and Relationships Australia (Victoria) is the lead consortium partner in four of them.
Berwick FRC; Greensborough FRC; Melbourne City FRC; Sunshine FRC
For further information about other Family Relationship Centres and the support and services they provide, visit www.familyrelationships.gov.au.
Counsellor also told me of a book which may be of assistance: David Shnarch PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. I have ordered it in my library.
Sorry not to offer anything else at this time but as you know, I am a newbie at all of this!
Hope that your week is proving tolerable and that you are out there on Collins Street and treating yourself to some shopping?!! I can highly recommend Jamie Oliver's 15 Restaurant, if you have a spare evening, a good girlfriend and $100 for the degustacion menu!! Enjoy :o)
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
I have checked your thread today but haven't had time to post. I see you are in Melbourne, great place to live, I was born and bred here. I live down Mornington Peninsula way so don't get to the city much these days. Although I did work there for over 20 years. My H works in the city now though.
I hope your counselling went well. I think I have found a house to rent, so fingers crossed for tomorrow.
I will come over to your thread and see how you are going.
What I need help for now is advice on how to tell H I need him on the lease due to the financial side of things but it needs to be done without sounding needy or desperate.
I am trying to view a lot of this now as though he is testing me, sick as that sounds, but he had admitted testing me the second time he left, to see my reaction and if I was going to be clingy and all the rest. Which of course I wasn't.
Oh, there is no question that WAS's will test you. I have a 30-year history of suicidal depression, which was officially diagnosed 8 years ago, and I have been treated for it on and off ever since. You will observe, however, that I am still alive and kicking. Maybe not happy, but kicking.
Starting with the bomb (confronting my H and hearing him admit to his R w/OW), and going on through several other incidents, and finally when he told me he was moving out...every time he did some new and horrible thing to me, he would ask me, "Are you going to kill yourself?" I probably got that question at least half a dozen times in the year+ between the bomb and the time he moved out; invariably just after he had admitted to doing something else to destroy what we were supposed to have together.
Since early in the bomb discussion, almost two years ago, I have never expressed anger or other negative emotions to him, tried to control him, confronted him, or criticized him (not to him, anyway), and have almost entirely avoided asking him questions. And yet somehow situations kept coming up in which he would admit some new violation to me. And then, instead of expressing any remorse or regret, he would ask me if I was going to kill myself. Sometimes I was tempted to say "Yes," just to see what he would do, but usually I just said "No," regardless of how tempted I was by the idea.
At the bomb, following the initial scene which involved me cursing him and throwing things and using profanity (none of which I have ever done before or since), I spent four hours sitting quietly, "stoically" as he accused me of, listening to him tell me how terrible I was and how unhappy he had been with me and how hard a life OW had experienced and how wonderful a R he had with her. At the end of it, he asked me if I was going to kill myself, and I said I didn't know, but I thought Tuesday of that week would be a good day for it (that was the anniversary of our first date, which we had always celebrated, but he was now planning to spend that day with OW). I later got chewed out for saying that, by friends who have been otherwise supportive, which I still don't entirely understand. I was only telling the truth.
I remember thinking, particularly after he asked his usual question after he brought OW to our house and they slept together here, "You unspeakable ^&*()! If you actually cared about how I felt, even just enough not to want me to go over that final edge, why would you do something like that, which is so devastating and yet so unnecessary? I don't buy the "We're both broke, and here's this house, which doesn't cost anything extra for us to use" excuse (I didn't ask, he just blurted it out). And if you _don't_ care enough about me to even be concerned whether I live or die, why the *()_ do you keep asking me if I'm going to kill myself?"
Sorry, that was a major digression, but I get a bit hot under the collar about it even now, so that's my catharsis leaking out on your thread! Hopefully you understand what I mean in saying that having your WAS testing you is pretty standard.
Originally Posted By: girlfromoz
What I need help for now is advice on how to tell H I need him on the lease due to the financial side of things but it needs to be done without sounding needy or desperate.
That's pretty easy, especially since I think you said he offered to help with financical issues with the move. All you have to do is think of him as a business associate who has expressed willingness to help you to a certain extent. No emotion, just business, taking him up on his offer.
Just say (preferably, write) something like, "Remember how you said you would help with the move? Well, now's your chance: I need your income to qualify for the place I have found for D and me and the pets that I think is the best option for us at the moment. It would be really helpful if you could _______" (to fill in the blank, specify what action you need him to take). Use your own words to express these ideas; I can be a bit wordy.
Do whatever you can to minimize how much trouble he has to go to; for example, if there is an application for him to fill out, see if you can do all of it except his signature, so that all he has to do is glance over it and sign. Be sure to thank him at the end of the message, because regardless of whether he agrees that this is his responsibility, you need to remember that he isn't actually going to benefit personally from doing this, so it qualifies as a favor to some extent. Don't gush about it, but do let him know that you appreciate it, and that it will help your D feel more secure (or whatever seems appropriate).
Okay, my brain is shutting down, so I hope this helps!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Dawn has good advice on the request. If you'd like, post what you're thinking of sending H here, and we'll give you feedback. I always got peace of mind from doing that.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thank you so much for your wonderful advice. I cannot begin to imagine the horrible time you have had with your H and I do not mind your telling your story to me. It gives me a better understanding of just how these MLCers like to play with the emotions of the very people they once loved or apparently still love as mine has said a million times over. It is like some cruel game. Mine does watch me sometimes, I can see out the corner of my eye, would love to know what he is thinking.
I will send him an email this morning and hopefully fingers crossed all will go well. I will feel much better once I know that D and I have somewhere to live then I can move onto the next challenge, moving. One day at a time and one thing at a time is what I keep saying to myself.
Thanks for dropping in. Will do, it's just sometimes I never know if anyone is coming back to check on me or not and with this question I was a bit stressed as I have to ask him this morning. I will be so glad when this part of my life is sorted, it is the worst feeling not knowing where you are going to live particularly when you have others relying on you for a roof over their heads.
I'll get there, I know I will, I have survived this far when I didn't think I would.
Well the request has gone out for H's help. I hope I got it right. Here's what I wrote:
"I have found a townhouse in Patterson Lakes in the gated complex. This is where I feel D and I need to be and the owners have agreed to us having (pets) with us, everywhere else will not allow us to have them or body corporate rules say we can’t.
Remember how you said you would help with the rent, well in addition to that, I need your help by applying for the property with me due to me not qualifying on my income alone (the rent is $370pw). I would really appreciate it if you could help me with this as it will at least mean some security for D and I and in particular D who really needs to be settled due to exams. If you could let me know early if you will help as I need to apply first thing due to other people showing interest as well."
Was a bit wordy I know but I tried hard to remain on track to be business like but pleasant, not needy but appreciative. Fingers crossed everyone that I get a good response.
Well the reply arrived. He will do whatever I need him to do, but thought the rent was high.
Try to indicate to him (hard not to sound sarcastic) that rents in Melbourne are averaging that amount per week unless you want a 40 year old shoebox for one person and that I am very limited due to the pets.
He responded by asking once again if I had done a budget and that he needed to know car loans etc to work out his finances. Told him would do budget once house sorted as I had indicated to him previously, gave him quick breakdown of loans also indicated costs relating to D that he would have to help with.
Have not yet heard back. He played the guilt trip factor by mentioning the rent was high, I immediately thought to myself that I should perhaps try harder to find something cheaper (old doormat attitude in me coming back) then snapped myself out of it and thought no, D & I don't deserve to live in something sub standard just because H has decided he wants to be the single party guy.
Have not yet heard back. He played the guilt trip factor by mentioning the rent was high, I immediately thought to myself that I should perhaps try harder to find something cheaper (old doormat attitude in me coming back) then snapped myself out of it and thought no, D & I don't deserve to live in something sub standard just because H has decided he wants to be the single party guy.
Um...isn't this the guy with the new boat and the water toys all over the place? (Maybe the boat thing is someone else...) If he's staying with a friend and just hanging with guys, his costs are low. How much does a 12-pack of beer and a bag of chips actually cost? *rolling eyes*
I'm glad you didn't get sucked into the guilt. If he mentions it again, maybe something like, "Yes, the rents here are definitely high. Unfortunately, that's what they are. *sigh*"
You sound really good. Hold the line, and don't ever respond when you're emotional or rattled. Step back, get clarity, and make your moves from that space.
You're a natural!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks SD for the vote of confidence. I think I handled it very well, if I do say so myself, it wasn't easy though.
Yes that's the guy with the ski and all his other toys, never worried about the cost of a new ski or toy each year until now.
That is so true about costs of beer and chips, that made me smile. He actually has no concept of the cost of living as he never had to pay the bills, buy the food or anything it just miraculously happened, but now.... he has to fend for himself and will now for the first time in his life find out just what it costs to live these days.
He might have to scale back the weekends away, the wine bar nights, the nightly dinners out, football tickets, etc the list is endless.
I myself will be looking foward to cooking nice dinners for D & I, walks on the beach with our dog, a dinner and movie with friends or D every now and again. I don't want the fancy toys etc just plain simple things in life to share with others, not much to ask, but he wants none of this, it isn't exciting enough for him.
He will soon realise what he is missing out on, the love of our dog and cat who greet you each night when you come home, not to mention D & I, the warmth of the house when he gets home late, the home cooked dinners waiting, the list goes on here as well, all the things that make a house a home.
Starting to ramble now. Felt a bit shaky after the replies to the emails because I was struggling to hold the emotions and feelings in check, but I got there.
