Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[sandi2]

Good Morning BJ, I want to take a little time today to think more about your stitch, but I did want to tell you this much...and that is to not allow her to talk about OM to you. For a W to carry on about how wonderful the OM is to her H is very, very disrespectful. She doesn't even seem to consider what she's doing! So, whenever she begins to even mention him, hold your hand up in the "stop" position and tell her that you won't hear anymore about the adulter that is helping to break up your family. (Notice I said "helping" b/c she will get off into how OM is not the root cause, etc.) Or you could say that it is very disrespectful of your home for her to discuss the man she is having an A with. That leads me to the next step.....do not get into R talks with her--and she will be very slick about pulling you into that. Again, hold your hand up in the stop sign and tell her you aren't going to talk or rehash the same things--and when she's ready to say she'll work on the M, then you will listen. It is very important that you have the upper hand in the stitch at this time. I believe that you need to go as dark as possible considering that both of you are under the same roof. And, BJ, here's the thing...you are so protective of her and it's your nature to look out for her, but she has to suffer some loss somewhere before she realizes her bad decisions. Maybe you should consider what would be appropriate boundaries for the two of you being S and under the same roof. Make sure you don't do any "favors" for her---like helping her with chores, etc. Take care of your things and let her take care of hers. Act as if the two of you really are S. If you cook....I think it should be with the attitude that it is just for you and the kids. If she shows up at dinner time, you could act rather surprised and say, "Oh, I fixed something for the kids and me but you are welcome to share". (Only if you want to-- and depending on her attitude. Don't be nice guy when she's being a b*tch. However, don't allow her bad attitude dictate how you will feel and if you can...show a "don't care" attitude b/c that will get her more than you responding with a negative one.) Don't push it or act eager. Have a "could care less" attitude about anything she does!! If you should come home and she has cooked dinner and doesn't say anything about inviting "you" to eat, then that would be a good time to go get spruced up and go out. Act as if you had that in mind all the time.

I feel that you need to show that you are dropping the rope completely and do not hint at wanting to save the M or even that you still have any feelings of any kind toward her. Don't listen to her except "if" she decides she wants to discuss working on it. I think she "needs" to see you GONE (in every way but physically, unless you decide to leave)from the M. I have never told people to date when they are still M and especially living under the same roof. There are some board members who advise that but I feel it causes a lot of confusion for the children. However, you "could" leave the impression with your W that since she is acting like a single person, that it must mean it releases you to be single again also. If or when she ask any questions along this line...you don't answer! That is very important. Some men think they have to give an answer just b/c the W said something. Well, you don't. Just a "look" at her will do more good than any answer you could give! I know you want to spend all your spare time with your children, but at this particular time...GAL outside the home is important. (Don't forsake the kids by any means, but if you are "with" the kids all the time, then she will think of you as being "safe"...know what I mean?) It is important that you beat her to the punch about going out so she will have to stay with the kids. It is important that you are very mysterious and not tell her ANYTHING and if she ask questions, remind her that the two of you are S and therefore it's none of her business what you do.

Of course you have to decide what is right for "you" and don't do anything that is contrary to your beliefs, but she really needs to see her "losing you" and a glimpse of what that could be like. She doesn't have the OM with her now so it is a good time....and maybe the only time to set that into motion. You do what you feel is right about the dating. As a woman, I know that even when we act as if we don't want our H....we still get jealous if we think he may want some other female or if OW is looking at him! It is a dangerous game and that's why I don't encourage it, but you do what you feel comfortable with. I think you could stir her interest about your activities up-- without you really going out with another woman.

Well, I have to go to work, but I will try to think about all of this. I know it is a fine line you are walking...but not as fine as before b/c she has made her case known very clearly and she has went too far, so now you really have to step into the LRT.