Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[AliSuddenly]

Hey everyone! Sorry my last post was actually pretty dashed off and I didnt have time to comment too much. Although he knows full well about my "support group" on the internet, he hasnt, as far as I know gone looking for it or read my posts, so I dont advertise to him that I am posting, its still private, for me.

So, I agree with you Michelle, Rob, Jeff.. I didnt explain well, but I meant, DBing was a big factor..you dont get angry/vengeful/mean/move on and date if you are DBing! You are gentle and accepting and show continued interest in them, but that ulitmately, you cant 'do' anything as such, he said so himself, although all sitches are different I guess. DBing teaches you to find yourself, GAL, be more confident, outgoing, patient, accepting etc and yes, all of those things do that vital thing "make the path home smooth" as it says.. makes them see you once again as the person they knew you to be, the person they fell in love with and hey, we all to some extent get complacent and focus on kids/work and less on ourselves or our partners, s the years go by. So I agree, DBing is a way to make it easier to come back, if thats what they want in their heart. Its the second bit I suppose that we cant control hey!

I feel that in alot of cases, it isnt personal. They do go on a journey. I think the fact we all are here is because we share in common the kind of person as spouse who has issues, or is unable to express themselves, so they blow, or snap and go.. and then they process, or go through a big depression/breakdown, as my bf did.

And yes GoodAG, I had compassion for my bf as I could see what a state he was in and then its hard to take it personally (but its also hard to be on the receiving end of such harsh reality as someone walking out!). And MrsM, hi, nice to see you back.. I was pretty stunned when he said that, that he just wantes to never think about it ever again, neverlone talk about it! Last night, I sort of mentioned something and he straight away said "stop asking me questions!" almost half joking, half weary, so I shutup. I think that will have to be it for now on the questions front!

We are very together, every day/night, lots of hugs and affection still.. BUT.. we are now not ML at all. He cant, he actually sort of refuses. He says he loves me, we're living together again, he wants to be with me, he's not going anyway, but his sex drive has gone and he doenst know why. He says he is 'tired' and doesnt feel s*xy. I asked if it was to do with helen and he looked pained and said "dont.. No, it isnt" I asked if it was guilt, he said no, he doesnt know why it is, but it will return, he is sure it will and for me to please, please, not worry. That he does find me attractive, absolutely and wants to ML, he just cant.

This is of course very hard for me and he's not really explaining and I cant help feeling worried and rejected, we've only been back together 3 months, but I will trust that its a phase and I know from here, pretty normal I think in Piecing! He seems to be in a bit of a grief phase for who he was and what he has done and he is still on ADs, so I'm not going to push it and he is very very reassuring and loving, as I am with him.

So, I hope my posts have helped some people a little. He really cant stress enough how guilt stopped him contacting me, saying things, seeing me and now, seems he feels guilt towards OW and to me. And yes MrsM, he says he feels sooo embarressed and foolish, what must people think of him, friends, family, mine particularly. He said he cant bear to look an idiot or to mess up and he did, bigtime and that pride and what people thought of him were a BIG factor in just flailing around not knowing how to reverse his decisions (leaving me and then dating ow and introducing her to friends and family as his gf). He said it took him months to get his head around it and it was only because he couldnt stop thinking about me that he said he knew it wasnt fair on anyone and he had to do something. He said that if it wasnt for thinking about me all the time, it would have carried on for longer with her, EVENTHOUGH he said they had little in common, bar work, that she was not on his wavelength, not funny, not fun to be around, shouted at him and that she became annoying toward the end... and I said, so how come you would have stayed with her then??? He said, because, I am weak and once you are in something, its easier to just bimble along, oh, so I'm doing this now then.. than make the big decision and to really really upset someone and hurt them.. I cant stand to upset people, I cant stand it, I'm a people pleaser and I hate for people to not like me...

So, a combination of what people think, basic character, weakness and perhaps laziness.. contributes to these WAS staying with nightmare OW in some cases it seems.