Another One Bites the Dust?

[MommaDucki]

My actual Sitch:

So, Jan 20, 2009 D and I left TX by train and headed to Indiana once again. H and I had decided we needed space away from each other, and time to focus on ourselves for a bit, and then see where that left us....my parents offered to let me move in with them, and my mom even offered to babysit D so I could work. Right up till I got on that train, H and I were the best I think we'd been in a long long time...maybe since we first got together...most likely because we both knew I was leaving, so what good was fighting?

So, i arrived in Indiana on Jan 20 '09 and by Jan 25, had in interview, and was hired on the 28. Still at the same job. Doesn't offer medical till I've been there 24 months, but it's a job. H, D, and I had been on medicaid and food stamps in TX, and since we'd moved, and H was listed as head of household, to apply for benefits in Indiana, I needed him to call and have us removed from the case. Asked him to do it in feb, and he finally did it in July! Just got approved for medicaid yesterday though, so that's a plus.

H kinda freaked out after we left. He went a bit crazy, and started drinking a lot, which he never does. He lived it up for about a week and then just stopped. He got a job, and started working his butt off. That car he'd bought? Yeah, we were always behind on payments on it, and between his Mom and stepdad, and Dad and stepmom, they'd kept us afloat, but now his dad was harping on him for repayment since he had a job again. He got sick of the questions from his dad, so late feb, he moved out and into the apt of a female friend of his. I know what you all must think, but this was in all honesty, a platonic friend. Neither of them had any interest in each other, and I'd known that for fact for years. She was living in a 2 bdrm apt with her bf and offered the 2nd bdrm to H, and H gladly accepted.

H did take a trip up here mid-Feb for D's bday. He tried so hard to make it for her actual day, but missed it by 1 hr and 2 mins. I still tell him to this day that it won't matter to her...She won't even know, but he's disheartened by it still.

So, the beginning of March rolled around, and he'd gotten in touch with an old female friend of his. Seems she and her H were not doing well at all. She started spending a lot of time with H, and they became too close...H had her convinced she needed to talk to her H about what was going on in her head, and she tried, and in the end, decided to leave her H. I was told she moved into her grandma's house, and later found out that she moved in with H and his roomies.

About this time was when H first dropped the D word to me. Said in all this discussion he'd been having with new OW, he realized how miserable he was being married to me. Too many bad things, not enough in common, and he felt trapped and "domesticated". I heard him out, but asked for clarification, and made the mistake of heavily pursuing him.

Reminded him that it was my understanding that we were supposed to be working on ourselves a bit and then figuring out where that left he and I. He'd told me when I left that he knew I'd miss him and quickly want to jump back into living with him and that no matter what, we should seriously consider not making any rash decisions for at least 3 months. I felt hurt and betrayed by this. Why did I have to wait 3 months, but he could wait 5 weeks and drop the big D on me?

He got laid off from his job towards the end of March, and started collecting unemployment. All this time as well, he kept promising to send me money to help with D, and had yet to follow through with it.

April came and we weren't really talking all that much. Would talk about every other day getting or giving updates on D, but very seldom did we ever talk about the R. When it did get brought up, I'd backslide and start begging and pleading with him to reconsider, which I now feel has pushed him even further away.

About mid April, he called me one night and wanted to talk to me. Asked how I'd feel about us both being open to dating others to see if that changed anything. I asked him if I could think about it for a few days and get back to him. In the end, we decided to go for it. Probably the biggest mistake we've made here.

I'd taken a guy I work with up on his offer to take me out to dinner. Felt great to feel wanted by a man again. He and I clicked rather well, and he was so willing to just let me talk and release some of this pent up frustration, but in doing so, I came across to him like I wanted to be rescued or something, and he claimed he was falling in love with me. Too serious for me and waaaaayyyy too fast! I also made the mistake of letting myself get too carried away on one date and our EA turned into a PA. From the get-go, I'd made it clear to this OM that I still cared a lot about my H. That in the long run, I still saw potential for H and I, and that if H ever came around and wanted to work on things, OM and I were done...NC!!!

As for H, well, OW who was still married as well, was living with H, and they ended up in an EA that also turned PA.

let me backtrack just a tad here....

Mid-feb, I started IC..H was always and will probably remain against counseling of any sort. I knew from past experiences with it how helpful it is to me though, so with the help of my church, I was able to start seeing a therapist twice a month. Overall, he's helped me a bit, but there are certain things about him that don't quite make us click. He's not very solution-oriented, and at times, tries to push his own personal ethics on me, but he's really helped me discover some things about myself.

Towards the end of Feb, I'd discovered DR at the library...renewed it twice, as well as DB...Own copies of both now, and just about have them both memorized. Been trying my best to DB my butt off, but I backslide more than I'd like to. I was doing so great for awhile there GAL, and doing 180s. I'd gained quite a bit of weight while pregnant, and since starting my job, have been more active and working out, and i've dropped almost 40 pounds...I'm actually a bit under my pre-pregnancy weight right now. At first I thought, "Well, this is stupid. It's presonality factors that make H want to D me...how is getting into shape going to help win him back?" But I've now realized I wanted to lose the weight for myself...as well as my D. Got to a point where the more active she was getting, the less I was physically able to keep up. I feel absolutely amazing about myself now! I feel more attractive, feel healthier, and have much more energy.

I've also done a lot of soul searching trying to figure out what I've done to contribute to the problems in our M. Turns out I do have a tendancy to nag. Some cases, I felt justified...like, "H, please drop off the water bill so they don't turn it off again." (though I could have worded it better so it does't sound so nagging). Other cases though? well...good example: I'd yell andcomplain about H not helping out with the housework (when he'd be unemployed that is), and when he'd finally start helping because I'd laid off the nagging about it, I'd follow him around and complain that he was doing it wrong.

I've realized that a lot of things he does aren't "wrong", they're just different, and I have been doing a pretty good job of learning to distinguish the two. Some cases, myself, and others really do feel he is wrong...like the case where he forged my signature on a government issued check and cashed it? technically a felony.

I've been doing so many 180s in regards to so much in my life though that not even my parents can believe what a different person I've become. They were so happy about it for so long.

Seems I do really have a tendancy to whine or complain a lot. When I'd talk to H or any of my family members on the phone, they are all in agreement that it's hard to talk to me when I can go on for hours and everything I say is negative in conotation. Makes it a bit undesireable to want to talk to me. Have since stopped that, and as of right now, it's not something that is working so well with my family, but is working with H.

I've also done a pretty good job of GAL. I've made friends with quite a few people at work...mostly the girls, and we would meet up for bowling nights, pool, an occasional dinner out, etc. Felt really good.

I'm so grateful for my parents being willing to take me in, and for all the help they do with D. My mom was the one always encouraging me to get out of the house because it's good for me. My dad on the other hand? well, that's a different post, lol!

So, continuing on with my DB ways, Mid May rolled around and I got an out of the blue phone call from H. He'd been doing a lot of soul searching as well. Admitted to his PA with OW and told me how much of a mistake he'd made. This was the only time he's actually had a PA during our M and he's now devastated by it. He wanted a D because he thought the grass would be greener on the other side, and he said OW was crazy! just nuts and that I may have some issues, but it's very noticeable how much I've worked on my issues. Told me he wanted to be our family again.

Mistake Number 2: he told me all this, and two days later, he moved to Indiana and into my parents house with me. He asked me if two days was too soon and my goof up here was that I tried to do an unecessary 180. One of the issues he had with me was every time he said he wanted to do something, I always told him, "no", or worse...i lectured and told him what to do. Thinking the 180 way, I told him to do whatever he wanted. That hearing what he told me made me happier than I've been in awhile. Also told him that he needed to be prepared for the fact that even though I was happy with his choice, i was still hurting from his actions over the past 3 months...hearing at least once a week that he wanted a D was hard to take, so I couldn't just jump back into being all hot and heavy with him. He'd have to be patient with me, and I with him. He agreed, and came up here on May 15.

He was supposed to work at that yearly anime convention again at the end of May and he gave it up to be up here with D and I instead. In giving up that convention though, he had to pass along his resposibilities to other people, and his choice of other people to pass it along to was no other but his OW.

The whole time he was here, he was either sleeping during most of the day, or talking/texting/IMing OW. I about had it after 2 days of him leaving the house to go talk to her on a walk, closing his laptop every time I came near, keeping his phone on him at all times...something just didn't seem right. I asked him why he had to be so secretive about his contact with OW. His answer? Why did I have to be so nosey? I started backsliding here, and got way too defensive. Told him I didn't see why he had to spend so much time talking to her when he said he wanted to work on things with me. How can he start moving forward with me if he's still stuck in the past with her? Pointed out that I too had a R with someone else and when H told me he wanted me, I dropped OM like that. NO CONTACT! H asked how deeply I'd gotten involved with this guy. Told him it was most likely along the same lines as him and OW. He got oddly quiet at that point.

Like I'd done in the past, I'd told him how I felt a level of trust in him was broken and that I couldn't then, and can't now, just snap my fingers and trust him again...that it takes time, and effort to rebuild that trust, but I'm willing to invest in that. He just has to be open to it as well. I've told him that it's not a matter of me needing to see every email, IM, or text from everyone who sends something...it's more a matter of if he's willing to let me see....Like if I know he's got nothing to hide, then why tell me I can't sit next to him while he types IMs to people? if he has to shut the laptop when I'm within sight, right now at this stage, to me, it means he's hiding something.

So, H was quiet the rest of the night, and the next day, it's "we need to talk". he went on and on for almost 3 hours...and one other thing I've learned is that I have no problem letting someone talk my ear off, but when it comes to him, I interrupt him like crazy. So I just sat there and listened to him.

He opened up more to me in those 3 hours than the entire rest of the time we've been married. I really empathized with him too, and agreed with him on certain aspects. He came to the realization that even though he wanted to work on things, we'd made a mistake and gone about it too fast. he wanted to go back to tx, make ammends with his dad and stepmom and try to get professional help.

Now in my therapy sessions, the major focus in about me, but of course, the people in my life do get brought into the discussions. My T says he thinks H suffers from narccissitic personality disoder, but can't confirm it because, well....just can't without meeting him.

If this holds true, and I still want to work on our M, there are lots of facts out there about NPD, and nothing really works on it, except for the NPD person Wanting to change.

To me, I can see the resemblances...Lack of empathy for others, a grandiose idea about life, constantly wanting attention and approval from others, surounding oneself with important people...there's more, but you get an idea...

I really feel based on what he's told me over the past two months and the way he's acting, that he's actually in a MLC!!! Odd cuz he's only 28! (he'll be 29 no aug 28)

This post is long enough...more to come!! Thanks again to any and all who take the time to read through this.