I`m really struggling Cat with how much I want this marriage/how much am I just plain afraid of letting go.

I spent the whole day away with the younger two kids. Had a hospital appt then on to visit a shopping mall we`d never been to before. Not much money to shop but enough for a decent lunch and trip to the cinema there. Plus we thorougly enjoyed the place itself.

I phoned H for the first time in weeks. But that was just to see if he could pick up DS from golf. He could. (well, he will be looking for 50% custody...)

No convo from H on our return home. Just a mumbled Yes when I asked him a question last night and an even more mumbled response to my Hi! this morning.

At least the anger has disipated. One thing H did say to in our convo is that it would be easier for him if I was miserable instead of being so happy all the time..... Kinda confirming for me that all the detaching I made drove him to do the crazy things he thought would get my back up.

On Monday night too, he confronted DS13 about using his face cream(yeah, my H has started to use moisturizers etc). H was so unreasonable in his tone of voice that DS11 immediately started to cry. Poor little guy has just begun the teen struggle with blackheads and spots and is really getting into his appearance. I was afraid that H would get even crazier and tell DS "about us" and I could feel my tears welling up for the tension of it all! H just left when he saw the effect of his anger on both of us. Couldn`t handle our tears. I consoled DS and told him he did the right thing to use the face cream and we`d get more of that and whatever else he needed.

I think that confrontation might have tought H that 'telling the children all about us' out of the blue and with no separation plan is not the way to go.

Mind you I`m no more decided about whether I should stay with H. Have to say I`m finding myself at a point of wondering is my struggle just with letting go rather than hanging in out of love for him. He is such a cold selfish cruel man.

But I know the answer to that will come in its own time.

Off to the dog rescue centre this am to start our search!Whatever we chose, I will not be taking on another Rottweiller!