H came up to my bedroom last night. There I was laying on the bed, sketching, all nice and relaxed and he goes for the hammer blow H: DS11 asked me there if I ever cheated on you. We have to tell them what`s going on? FG;What is going on? H: We`re not even talking to each other. We have to tell them one of us has to leave.
Hmmmm. So I was right. H has deliberately not responded to me this week to try to make me go into silent mode so he could say we weren`t talking. I`d twigged that though and had keep the few brief comments up.
Anyway the conversation led straight away for his demanding that we separate and that I book a mediation appt. I stated my position again as I had last week; I wasn`t in favour of separation but would accept his decision and not force him to stay or go. And if he wanted mediation he`d better book the appt.
H got angry-just a little-and was adamant that separation was mutual. i told him that I`d had 8 weeks of therapy and that while I had seen separation as the only option in the past now I was sticking by my marriage vows. But again if he wanted to go I`d accept his decision.
H really needs for this decision to be mutual because he hates decisions-always has. And yet, last Dec complained that he was living every one else was controlling him. So its important that he take on the responsibility of this decision.
I said I was very close to the kids and that it would break my heart to have them go through a separation.
H brought up some of our issues. Intimacy difficulties(which he only told me about recently) my not listening and bizarrely, my bikini line. I agreed whole heartedly with him and thanked him for pointing them out to me. But `its too late now` he said. I didn`t argue. I didn`t beg him to go to therapy. In fact when he said what can we do I said I don`t know because I really don`t want t be making the decisions;its pretty obvious what we should do anyhow if we want to work on the M.
Then H said "It`s unfortunate about the house'Another bait. He thinks I`ll get upset if we have to sell. In fact the law is on my side on this one and I`l be entitled to stay here til the kids finish their education. He knows that. I said nothing.
He said he want to be buried in his hometown. I thought that was a bit bizarre. Since I wouldn`t-presumably be married to him then -I wouldn`t particularly care. But I did ask if he should go see someone if he was thinking about dying imminently but he assured me that he wasn`t suicidal.
I didn`t look overly concerned. Just threw it out there.
He said work wasn`t going well;he`d fallen out with a lot of people there. I didn`t dwell on that. He siad the stress of 'all of this' was causing that. Hmmm, wish he`s fess up and take repsonsiblity for himself instead of passing the buck.
Said his brother had come over on holiday but only sepnt one day with him. I said sure the poor chap was probably very busy catching up with his pals.
No pity party from me.
But I listened and looked into his eyes and stayed very calm.
To his credit, H did not lose his cool or use bad language either or insult me directly.
That`s major progress.
But he`s intent in stirring things up. Says the kids have to be told before the end of the school hols... Was very silent today but I`m getting into the habit of asking open ended questions to break that.Kept to himself other wise and is gone now not saying where he is going.
The only thing that`s keeping me here is that the guy must be very sick to behave that way.
Well, its that or the Aliens have taken my husband away.
One of the things that`s keeping me in the M is the conversation I had with BIL in November. He`s been through therapy for five years to deal with his passive agressive issues. He believes H has similar difficulties. All resulting from their parents` abusive relationship.
H initially agreed with him and had an epiphany that lasted maybe five days. After that, he shut down and said he wasn`t pass ag. It was easy stick that label on anyone. It was his borhter`s problem not his, etc,etc. He went to a few counselling sessions then with two different counsellors( he says ten sessions in all). Didn`t get any further on the pass ag issue-just further with the denials and clarifying the problem in his marriage(ie me!).
I`m pinning my hopes on his having another epiphany.The more I stand back and see the dynamic of our past R the more I see pass ag issues in operation.
I`ve learnt through DB not to get angry or upset. Just my staying calm has made a huge difference to me.And I realised how much H needs me to be angry/upset.
I`ve learnt not to be in control. Let H make decisions. One of the complaints he`s had is that he`s not in charge of his own life-does things to please everyone else. I let him bring up R talk/S talk.
A biggie for me was to learn to listen. Wow! Shut up AND validate what the guy has to say! That was such a huge 180 for me.
I`ve also learnt to set boundaries on H`s behaviour towards me. So I`ve stopped him when he starts shouting at or insulting me. I won`t take bad language either. That has improved the quality of our conversations.
I don`t point out my changes to H. I just try to be the change. Any of our issues he`s brought up I`m working on not for him though-for me! I`m staying in therapy as long as I can as I look forward to that process every week and it has helped take me to a spiritual place. And that has impacted so positively on all my relationships with everyone. I feel I am finally becoming the me I was meant to be.
But hey, I`m not a martyr to the cause. I really don`t know if this new me will be what H wants or needs at this point in his life-or the future. I`m glad I`ve left that decision to him for now. Unfortunately doing that just makes the lion rattle and roar around in his cage all the more.He`ll probably try every trick in his arsenal now to make me renge on that position.
I wonder all the time if I love him. I just hope there`s a better guy inside waiting to get out.
Off today with a gf for some retail therpapy, lunch and fun!That helps too!
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Found a porn site on our PC yesterday evening. Asked H immediately as I wanted to eliminate him as a possibility(well, I wouldn`t blame the guy either, as he`s in a self imposed desert for the past year...). And, anyway, as absentee Dad its important to keep him abreast of the up and coming teen issues.
H and I came to the conclusion that DS14 was the culprit. H`s solution? We both talk to him together. And tell him all about us while we`re at it!
Duh!
I`m no further on in getting through to H that we have to have a separation plan sorted before landing the kids in it.And of course, it would be far too much overload on DS14. I shot down that idea and then the convo began re separation.
Well, at least this convo was the most relaxed and forthright one we`ve had in a looonnng time. No temper outbursts, I`m so genuinely calm I start to munch chips in the middle of it. We even actually laughed together at one (brief!) point. I kept the DB mantras of listen and validate in my head. I agreed wholeheartedly when H pointed out all my failings.
He`s was very keen to sort out the terms of the separation then and there.He has a notion of renting near by first and over the years moving down to his homeplace. i listened but didn`t agree to any of his terms-kids 50/50, family home being sold, separation being a mutually agreed decision. I said the solicitors would sort out the terms of separation but said that we owed it to our kids and to our marriage to try couples therapy first. I said I was glad he had made a decision as I knew how difficult he found decision making.
Somehow the convo led on to how hard life is for H. He said the big pity of it all was that I was looking so well, he loved my new clothes, shoes, the way I looked. And why did that have to happen too late? I told him it wasn`t too late for me. While I had hope for the marriage I was also willing to move on to another life.
He said how did I think he`d feel when I would have another partner? I just acknowledged that yes, that would be difficult for him but while I intend seeing other guys as soon as we separate I wouldn`t be introducing another man into the children`s lives that quickly. (Letting him know I won`t hang around for him)
He said he found change so difficult. I said I knew that and reminded him of the time he`d to move 200 yards to another house when he was single and he just was so upset about that.(Reminding him of our shared history)
I let it slip that I was in a lingerie shop that day. Just dropped it in as an aside to another story. H just blanched. Lingerie, eh? And why would I not have bothered with that a few years ago.
That led on to talk about our intimacy problems. That concluded with H expressing a wish to see me using my new vibrator...I smiled but didn`t comply of course.
He told me about all his current health problems. Has HBP but is refusing to take medication for it. Can`t sleep more than six hours a night.People commenting on his weight loss.Work not going well. His mother annoyed with him. Avoiding people.
I did get a chance to mention about how much calmer he`d been in the past couple of days and to point out how his anger dips and escalates.(just letting him know how well I know him and hoping he`ll find a trigger for his moods)
He said therapy was obviously doing me a lot of good but that how could that change us. I didn`t point out the obvious but did say yeah, I`m calmer, having fun and enjoying life despite the pain.
I also told him I`m getting a dog for the children(But you hate dogs he said) Yeah, another 180 I thought I`d throw out to him. He loves dogs and a dog just might be the thing to swing this one.
The meeting was long-maybe an hour or so. And inconclusive. No further on mediation/separation. But a lot further on decent convo.
H not in good form this am but hey, who knows where this might go.
You know this is just a step. He is going to think about what he said to you and what you said to him. He may be beginning to move down the road a little, only time will tell.
You know, it is funny, my H said move on, but he can't talk about the fact that I dated before we met without getting angry. But he wants me to know he will be ok.
Just keep doing what you are doing and see where it leads.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I`m really struggling Cat with how much I want this marriage/how much am I just plain afraid of letting go.
I spent the whole day away with the younger two kids. Had a hospital appt then on to visit a shopping mall we`d never been to before. Not much money to shop but enough for a decent lunch and trip to the cinema there. Plus we thorougly enjoyed the place itself.
I phoned H for the first time in weeks. But that was just to see if he could pick up DS from golf. He could. (well, he will be looking for 50% custody...)
No convo from H on our return home. Just a mumbled Yes when I asked him a question last night and an even more mumbled response to my Hi! this morning.
At least the anger has disipated. One thing H did say to in our convo is that it would be easier for him if I was miserable instead of being so happy all the time..... Kinda confirming for me that all the detaching I made drove him to do the crazy things he thought would get my back up.
On Monday night too, he confronted DS13 about using his face cream(yeah, my H has started to use moisturizers etc). H was so unreasonable in his tone of voice that DS11 immediately started to cry. Poor little guy has just begun the teen struggle with blackheads and spots and is really getting into his appearance. I was afraid that H would get even crazier and tell DS "about us" and I could feel my tears welling up for the tension of it all! H just left when he saw the effect of his anger on both of us. Couldn`t handle our tears. I consoled DS and told him he did the right thing to use the face cream and we`d get more of that and whatever else he needed.
I think that confrontation might have tought H that 'telling the children all about us' out of the blue and with no separation plan is not the way to go.
Mind you I`m no more decided about whether I should stay with H. Have to say I`m finding myself at a point of wondering is my struggle just with letting go rather than hanging in out of love for him. He is such a cold selfish cruel man.
But I know the answer to that will come in its own time.
Off to the dog rescue centre this am to start our search!Whatever we chose, I will not be taking on another Rottweiller!
It sounds like you are definitely at a crossroads. You are right, the answer will come in its own time.
I have to say, I am so impressed by the way you have been handling your H, the whole situation, yourself, etc. I'm sure whatever you choose or whatever happens YOU and the kids will be fine.
BTW - my H has also started to use face products - so strange for me to see.
