A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Well, the evening ended on a better note.

I initiated a parenting discussion with H and it went well. I came from a place that was strong, but open, and wonder of wonders, H did not get defensive. In particular, I said that out of respect for 'his house, his rules' I had been standing back as a parent and not interfering. I asked him how he would like me to handle things going forward such as noticing that kidlet had been in the same clothes since Sunday.

He responded really well. Before, he would have taken this as an attack on his parenting skills. Now he said that if I saw something that I thought needed intervention, I should just do it and if it caused a conflict between the two of us at any point, we'd work it out.

Hmmmm, hokay.

I wanted clarification on that because it was so new and different.

Dia: So if I just jump in and tell kidlet to change his clothes, you won't take that as a comment on your parenting ability?

H (somewhat ruefully): No. You know, I hate to say it, - but if he hasn't changed his clothes for two days, it's an oversight on my part so yes, just jump in.

Dia: Ok.

It's strange to me that he can literally not notice that kidlet has been in the same clothes since I got here Sunday evening but if that's what he's saying, I think I have to take it at face value. Before, I thought he knew but just didn't care (i.e. was slovenly).

He, for his part, seems to realize that the not noticing is indeed a problem. I don't mind being the primary caretaker for the grooming and hygiene stuff at all. I do mind when H gets defensive and angry at me for it, but he says that's not going to happen anymore. We shall see.

It was an interesting discussion. I wasn't looking to blame at all. I just wanted to solve the problem.

Another positive note - him initiating a hug at bedtime seems to standard operating procedure now. I like that.