Thanks all. Here's my latest post in another thread: Thanks - I appreciate your support Wife believes that we started out on the wrong foot.
Specifically, she thinks she shouldn't have married me because we started with a lot of sex and not enough tender making love. What she forgets or is blocking is that we did get to know each other as friends first in a codependent's anonymous support group and I went to a different group after we knew we liked each other so we could begin to date.
We lived together for a year before marriage and waited over 8 years to start to have children. What she also forgets is that we did love each other, but we both liked sex a lot and she wasn't sure she loved me enough vs. the sex we both liked.
She started to have panic attacks and went to therapy to "get through the wedding." I suffer from abandonment issues because my father committed suicide when I was 12 and as I became sexually active at 15 I used sex to heal the wounds in my heart from being abandoned by my father.
She also was never able to share herself completely because she was scared to show who she really was and so the sexual gratification became a healing balm for us both that when took too far blocked a deeper more meaningful relationship between us.
Then I began to take her love for granted and kept pushing my stupid fantasies during what should have been love making. When she objected many years ago - like 12 or 15 years back I was arrogant and chauvinistic - that I now know was STRIKE ONE, and she has never been able to forgive me for it because my behavior never changed.
Then after our first daughter was born in 2000 we weren't supposed to have sex for 6 to 9 weeks and I pushed her at 4 or 5 weeks which she when she told me no felt I had violated her. In marriage counseling 5 years ago I asked her for forgiveness for those two things, and even though she said she forgave me she now admits she didn't and has held these two things as a grudge/poison inside her all these years - STRIKE TWO.
I really tried in marriage counseling 5 years ago, but she admits she didn't want to make it work then because she didn't see my behavior change. I guess she still doesn't realize that it would have helped me change and us to get better together had she been able to work it with me and forgive. She began to SHUT DOWN her feelings and not really communicate to me her deepest feelings.
She went deep inside and as she began to fantasize about something better, I could never seem to see her hurt even though we went out on dates every week. She kept burying her hurt and I kept fantasizing during sex. My God - I am soooo sorry I have told her. Sooo blind. Sooo stupid. I brought a lot of this on myself and have resolved to change now regardless and pray her heart may yet be opened to me at some point in the future, but STRIKE THREE came after she went to her 30 year high school reunion at the end of June and hooked up with a crush she had back in high school, and this crush was also hurting in the 6th month of his separation from his wife in LA, and his father dying of cancer.
Can you guess the intensity of their coming together? My wife with a hole in her heart that I had given her, and this man with his troubles. And I would give anything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home just to have her back again. If there's someone you know and you're loving them so, but taking them all for granted.... full lyrics below:
I am Divorce Busting. I am taking care myself, I have asked God to forgive me, I have asked my sweet girl to forgive me and she says she is working on it which is positive, and I have forgiven myself through the dizzying pain, I have lost over 20 pounds almost 10% of my total body weight in 6 weeks, running 5 miles per day, reconnecting with friends, and working toward being OK, really OK with just me alone through the cold sweat at 4am and night terror of her not being there to hold, but now in someone else's arms and someone else's heart I am going to fix myself, I will do this and pray that there might be a way for us. For the woman I love whether she's in my bed or not, I love her so...
You sheltered me from harm. Kept me warm, kept me warm You gave my life to me Set me free, set me free The finest years I ever knew Were all the years I had with you
I would give anything I own, Give up me life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own, Just to have you back again.
You taught me how to love, What its of, what its of. You never said too much, But still you showed the way, And I knew from watching you. Nobody else could ever know The part of me that cant let go.
I would give anything I own, Give up me life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own Just to have you back again.
Is there someone you know, Youre loving them so, But taking them all for granted. You may lose them one day, Someone takes them away, And they dont hear the words you long to say
I would give anything I own, Give up me life, my heart, my home. I would give everything I own Just to have you back again.
