WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

A change in the weather brewing with me? I have felt this way before, but seem to be feeling even more indifferent about W than ever before after some things that happened this weekend.

Even though I feel like I have done a reasonable job setting boundaries and not let her disrespect me, I feel very disrespected and like a doormat for some reason the past couple of days after doing some thinking about my situation.

I have always been the one to try to make up after fights. I have been the one trying to get her to work on the R and complaining how OM has poisoned our chance to do that. I have always been the one to apologize for things.

Maybe I am finally viewing the R through unclouded lenses, and seeing myself through her eyes clearly now for the first time.

I have been reading posts from gucci, puppy, and coach and also read No More Mr. Nice Guy and am feeling like a whimp regarding my activities over the past 6 months, outside of trying to put my foot down about OM. I am also getting an idea of the contrast between me and the OM in her mind and even though he is a POS and someone that some day she will wake up and say 'what was I thinking?'. I realize I have not stacking up well against him in the respect department I fear.

More than ever all of the sudden I don't feel like seeing her, calling her, talking to her, or having much interaction with her for some reason. When she calls me I don't feel like answering (which is what she does to me).

Sandi told me earlier that detatching/droppin the rope was mostly an 'attitude' that the W would sense and they can see it in your eyes, just like us LBSs can see the distance in the WAS's eyes. I understood that from an intellectual standpoint and thought about how I could convey that, but I think I am now feeling it for real which is a big difference.

She won't ever want someone she doesn't respect, and I don't want someone who doesn't respect me I now realize (not sure why I didn't realize this before!). I thought respect came from being the father of her kids and a good provider but it isn't enough, especially when I consider why she is so attracted to OM. She may never get her respect back for me and as a result I might be OK letting her go. I feel bad for my kids/family, but not for myself anymore I don't think.

Timing for all of this change of attitude might be good - I am leaving for my annual trip to a particular sinful city where a bunch of my old school buddies and I do male bonding things every year and have a great time. Recently I wasn't looking forward to this trip because these guys are all happily married and it would remind me of what I had lost. I don't feel that way anymore and am looking forward to it. Taking my new attitude along on this weekend might do me some good and make for an enjoyable trip.