A couple of thoughts about how to release that anger productively:
1. Exercise. I walked like a crazy woman the summer H dropped all this on me. Anytime the anger/anxiety/sadness would come upon me, I'd get up and take a walk. I live in a place with beautiful weather, so it was fun and worked out all of those feelings. For you, maybe it's kickboxing or jogging or tennis or...you see?
2. Housework/errands: My home never looked so wonderful, and I never accomplished so many things on my to-do list. It was something I could control and feel good about.
3. Dance. Yes, really. I'd put on music I liked full blast and dance around my house. You really can't feel too bad when you're dancing to up-tempo music.
4. Write! A few strategies occur to me on this one, and I've used all of them at some point or another:
*Rampage of anger: write and write and write all the horrible, angry things you're thinking about H. Really, don't hold anything back. If you are fantasizing about kicking him in the naughty bits, write it. Don't worry about how it sounds...there's no room for the "good girl" here. Just write what comes, no censor, and keep writing until you feel like you're done.
(A friend of mine has a truly wacko mother, and she wrote all the things she hated about her mother for like a week. She was considerably healthier at the end of it and more willing to look for solutions.)
Once you've spewed on the page, you might want to burn it. Burning is a form of release, so you are taking the anger out of yourself and releasing it. It may sound weird, but it works!
*Gratitude journal: I was a skeptic, but I felt awful so I tried it. Honestly, it was powerful. Every day before I went to bed I spent 10-15 minutes writing about what I was grateful for that day. Some days it was that I'd managed to get out of bed and bathe and dress myself. Most days it was more than that, because the truth was the only part of my life that stank was my marriage. It helps you focus your attention on the positive in life.
*Love letter to yourself: Write this and keep it with you at all times. What do you love about yourself? Why are you an amazing, wonderful human being? What do you appreciate about who you are? Ultimately, it's our job to love ourselves unreservedly, warts and all. This was HUGE for me.
The reason you keep your love letter with you always is so you can take it out and reread it when you're feeling down or like you're not "good enough" for your H.
Try these...tweak them to fit who you are and what you need. I just know they helped me a ton when I was where you are now.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I will definitely try the writing down suggestions, I like those very much and I can already think of a number of things that are good in my life and also what I love about me and why I am a really wonderful person.
I go to the gym regularly but am finding that difficult at the moment, I think because we go to the same gym and he is there when I am there and my motivation has dropped a bit, feeling mentally exhausted.
If I am lucky to get the house I am after, I will be able to take long walks on the beach which I do love, my dog will love that too. I have also started planning in my head how I can make it a lovely home, a sactuary for D and I, a place that I will enjoy coming home to. We are coming out of winter now, so the weather is starting to get better and daylight saving time will start soon. I can picture myself on the balcony of my new home, enjoying the warmth and the sight and sound of the water - I hope that doesn't sound too crazy, but I am looking forward to that, it is what is keeping me going that picture in my head.
Some good news, the townhouse I want to rent will let me have our pets yay... so my boss is letting me go early so I can have a look at it and put in an application.
H doesn't know yet. But I will have to tell him tonight as I think he will have to apply with me just because financially I can't do it on my own and I have to declare income etc on the application.
Well, just got back from looking at the townhouse, it is lovely apart from the choice of colours inside, it is clean, bright and has a view of the water.
Have to fill out my application tonight and email tomorrow, hope it all goes well.
I really think that your H is going to be impressed when you show him how much you can do without him. I do think you are being tested, and you are passing!
I am feeling a bit more positive now I have seen the house and have a good chance at getting it.
H won't be impressed with the rent though, but he has to remember I am very limited in what I can rent because of our pets and he has put me in this position.
