"No I haven't yet found a place for D & I to live.
At the moment I am trying to sort out a place to live and pack up the house, I will address a budget once I have a house sorted and have moved. Credit cards will be cleared once the sale has gone through."
Is that okay or to long winded. Do I say it in person or via reply email?
I also feel waves of rage towards H in me at the moment along with hate because of his lack of concern and his I haven't done anything attitude but then the waves of love still wash over me, maybe the yoga will help me with this as well.
I have not shown any of the emotions to him but they scream inside my head.
I cling to the hope that it will get better in time.
Before H moved out of our bedroom and he was still in our bed, there were times I'd look at him sleeping, his back towards me, and I'd fantasize about punching him as hard as I could right in the center. So your feelings are normal.
I think your reply sounds great. Matter of fact and business-like. I'd send it through email so that you don't have to deal with the emotion of it either.
What happened to the townhouse you were talking about? That sounded lovely and a really good fit for a lot of reasons.
You might nod toward the packing boxes when your H is home and tell him they're available for him to pack his stuff. Light and airy...you know, like the helpful, friendly Oz you are.
Yoga: I love yoga. It has a way of helping you release stress, anxiety, anger, sadness.... Don't be surprised if you find yourself crying during a session; in the midst of it once my H had moved out of our bedroom I cried during every yoga session. When I asked the instructor about it, she said it was normal and the body was just releasing what it needed to release. Bottom line is it DID make me feel better.
Just remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. I think once you get packed up and moved you'll feel a lot better.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Oz, Your response sounds just fine. Send it back via email, same as he sent to you.
The rage is normal, although not good to get stuck in or let out of control. I never had any desire to hurt another person until the bomb, but for months after that I had long-lasting and extremely vivid Lorena Bobbitt fantasies on a daily basis. I would lie in bed next to my H for six or eight hours straight (because I stopped sleeping and just stared at the ceiling for hours and listened to him breathing) and think about knives and guns. I am afraid of guns, actually, and have never touched one, but I had fantasies about hunting down OW and shooting her at the college she was attending.
I think what really helped me most with my rage was prayer, and reconnecting with God. ADs helped too, and DB, and also the yoga (and yes, sometimes I cry on the mat), but I think God has helped the most (not that I'm done with the rage, but it dissipates gradually over time, and I have learned to control its expression, even if I can't control how I feel).
I think forgiveness makes the biggest dent in the rage. I'm still working on that part.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I don't like the feelings of anger and rage as it has never been me and will be glad when I can overcome it to an extent.
The townhouse I am after, I am still waiting to hear if I can have our dog and cat with us. Landlords here aren't all that fond of pets. That is the other thing, H can walk away free no ties, nothing holding him back, whereas I have all these other living things relying on me for their protection and housing.
Oh well, here we go for another day. I can't thank you all enough for being there and will look at yoga once I get myself settled in a house.
Oz It isn't fair. We didn't talk at all last night, apart from him saying Hi when he walked in the door and asking if the prowler had been back. I sat staring at him for a while, he was asleep as usual and wondered just really what has happened in his head that we are at this point. Not that I will ever work that out.
You're getting excellent advice from Dawn and SD. Your email was perfect! No emotion, just facts and business.
It took me a long time to get it. I was full of rage too when my H left. My emails were ridiculous - "I can't believe you're doing this". "You'll be more proud of yourself if you do the right thing and just come home". Yuk
I wouldn't answer his latest email for awhile. I smell just a wee bit of panic in his questions.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Thanks for dropping in to say hello. It is good to get reassurances that what you are doing or have done is good and on the right track.
Yes, I am trying to follow the great advice I have been given and not be eager but also not be difficult either. Hard trying to strike that balance, like walking on a tightrope.
I also don't want him to think that I can't do this on my own as he has clearly indicated no willingness to help me and I would hate to have to ask him, that would feed his ego even more and prove to him that I am needy and can't stand on my own two feet. Certainly don't want that to happen.
Really trying hard to control the anger, don't want him to get any hint that I might feel that way.
I think he will be rather shocked if I do this on my own, I have always had him handle these kinds of things. Never made an important decision on my own.
I am trying to view a lot of this now as though he is testing me, sick as that sounds, but he had admitted testing me the second time he left, to see my reaction and if I was going to be clingy and all the rest. Which of course I wasn't.
