I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Oh, C-bart:

Good for you for hooking up with a DB coach! This is what they do. I think it is money well spent - certainly in my case.

Oh, and yes, I wonder also my W is afraid that she will lose herself if we R as well. I suspect that is probably true. Good call. I wish I could assure her that she doesn't have to worry about that - that everything has changed, and it is not at all possible to go back to where we were. That's the part where you drop the old relationship, and "do-over" and start a new, better one. Which is why I want her to take that leap of faith - I sure don't want to be the one to dash her dreams away - I want to be there to help her and see them come true!

[1853dave]

Well, I had a pretty good weekend with the kids. They spent the night with me Sat night, and Sunday we went to an art fair, had lunch, etc... W told me Sat that they were invited to a b-day party for a neighborhood girl at 2pm Sunday. So, W asks me if I would be willing to drop them off there for a couple of hours. I agree, and then offer that maybe we could go for a walk or get a coffee at that time. She said "maybe..."

Sunday comes, and I'm at the art fair with the kids. W calls me to see when we would be by the house, because she had a present there for the b-day girl. She also says that she might not have time to go on a walk with me, as she has to go to the laundramat to do some laundry (as the washer at home is not working... Some things don;t get fixed when I'm not there.) I ask her if she'd mind if I hung out with her, and she again says "maybe..."

So, we get back to the house to pick up the present, and she asks me if I wanted to just walk the kids over to the party. I said 'sure' and she says "OK, and I'll just wait for you here..." Huh. I guess that means I will be hanging out with her for a while. So, we end up going to the laundamat together, and we both rode in her car (haven't done that in 10 months...) and we hung out and talked. The talk turned to R talk...not too pressuring, but just talk. I think I initiated it - mildly, and then offered her a way out - that if she was not comfortable with it, we could just drop it. As much as it seems she tries to avoid it at times, she also seems somewhat willing to talk about the R more and more. I know R talk is not what is typically advised in DB, but it is also a bit of a 180, as we keep avoiding it otherwise. So, I brought up the issue of avoiding, and she seemed willing to talk.

We ended up walking to a nearby coffee shop, and continued there. The conv was friendly and pleasant, and I cautioned her that I do not want to pressure her or corner her, and if she felt that way she needs to let me know. I told her that I'm aware that if I pressure her, that she will probably avoid me, which is what I don't want. She agreed with that assesssment.

She told me that she knows the current financial situation is leaving me real short. She knows I am also displaced (but living with my folks) and that it is not ideal. She knows I now have a commute with my poor old car - and that she gets all of that. I asked her if she knew my desires, and she said she did. She said she still needs some time to think a few things through. This makes me think that there are 2 or 3 discreet "things" that she's trying to figure out. I told her I hope that they aren't ways to cut me out of the family circle, and to have life go on without me. She assured me that that was not the case. Besides, she knows the kids need their Dad, and that she would never want to keep them from me. She mentioned a divorced single mom-friend of hers, and she told me that she and her H have been D for several years, and they never even speak to each other. I told her I don't want that. I wondered what type of feedback her friend was giving her about her D. W said that despite the turmoil of this past year, the kids have handled it and adapted pretty well. I told her I was glad about that - but also that this situation is far from an ideal outcome. That there's a better solution to all of this, in my opinion.

She said things like "if we were to stay together..." as though that is one option - and I was REAL glad to hear her say that. She mentioned that a couple of times... I forgot what she was specifically referring to when she said this, but it was something to do with how we communicated, and how she had thoughts and ideas that she felt I was dismissing as unimportant. I remember doing that, and I acknowledged that...but I also reminded her that I've been learning and trying to take this time to improve myself when it comes to relationships. She acknowledged this by saying "I appreciate all you're doing..." so she sees the changes. I said that I understand she might need some assurances that the changes will be for good (and she said 'no, I think I'm seeing that already') and that I have been studying and reading a lot on the subject (also not advised by DB, but it seemed to fit at the time) and I realize that this is something that will not end. In other words, if we get back together, I (we) am not done learning, and that we would probably contimue to work to improve things for the rest of our lives. She seemed accepting of this. She seemed to approve of my interest in improving myself -she said she talks to wer women friends, and they all say how they are interested in improving themselves, yet their husbands don't want to... I told her that I don't necessarily think that's always the case - most of the moms are stay at home moms, and the H's all work 40+ hrs a week, so when they're home with the kids, they are probably happy to have their family time. I know a lot of guys improving their education, or working their way up the ladder, or getting better jobs... She said she was glad to hear that I was taking steps to improve myself.

So, that's how it went... ok.

[C-Bart]

Good stuff Dave. I always see so much of my sitch in yours so please keep posting.

[1853dave]

Will do... Good luck in your sitch too.

[1853dave]

Newsflash - had a talk with W last night. Details later... In the end we talked about everything, and she is willing to start piecing!!!

This will also be a long slow process, but things already look promising. I've been waiting a loooong time to start this chapter. Btw, it was her idea to see the DB coach tomorrow!!! Wow!

More later...

[GoBison]

Congrats Dave. You have been at this a long time don't get your expectations up too high too soon.

[1853dave]

My hopes are up, expectations are there but with a time element. I see this as another chapter, but I am excited just the same. I even sense some relief from my W as well...

[C-Bart]

That is a major change for your W. Now the fun begins! I can only imagine how excited you must be.

I got this little quote from a picture one of my kidos colored in Sunday School class. "Hope is believing that something good can come out of something bad." I have it up on my garage door to remind me of that simple fact every day. Think I will add it to my signature.

[1853dave]

Yeah, I spoke with W today - looks like we're still on! She says she's not quite ready for me to move in, but it sounds like soon... Maybe this weekend. So far, still good.

[1853dave]

Well, it's been a week, so it's time to post an update.

Things have been going ok. We get a long fine (as usual) and there's been a bit more interaction. I'm still not home, and it might be a while yet. At counseling yesterday, W said she would feel more comfortable if we waited another month, having counseling during that time. I did not like that - I'm still VERY displaced, still have to "borrow" my kids (it feels like it) and I'm still not home. I'm not sure why she still needs more time, after it's already been 10 months. She's in no hurry, but she also has the benefit of house and home. She started her nursing school again, and is now a little busier. She starts clinicals at the end of September, at which time she will be even busier, and that's when she predicts I can come home. What the he** is with that? I look at it as that's when she's really going to have childcare issues, so how convenient that I come home then instead of now.

I don't buy it. We have counseling again Monday, and I intend to bring it up. She has a pattern of doing things this way. I guess the universe still revolves around her.

She admitted to being horrible at the finances. Yet, she's somehow willing to continue down this path, as we hemmorage our money away. Since I am displaced, whenever I get the kids I have to take them out to eat, as I have nowhere to cook for them. So, instead of going out to eat once a week like we used to do, it's closer to 4 or 5 meals I week I have to buy because we are "out" all the time.

Another issue is still when I get the kids they are often exhausted when I pick them up - usually from a previous night sleepover. So, in counseling she complained that I never know what I am going to do with the kids on any given day. I didn't know I have to have an itinerary for every day. I used to plan events and things to do, but she kept dropping in these last minute changes - that and the kids being exhauseted many times - that my plans never seemed to be able to take hold. So, I just play it by ear now, depending on the day.

She's still at the point where she wants to point out all of the bad she sees in me - but when the C asks her what good things have happened with us, W replies with the usual "...uhhh...I don't know - I'll have to think about that." My C turned to me yesterday and told me to think of things (for the next session) that I want to see changed in the relationship. Finally, it'll be my turn.

I still see the W as being selfish, and she doesn't like it when I get upset or bothered by anything. She says that even if I'm angry at someone, that I should be pleasant and nice to them. Huh? This is from the same woman who totally shuts people out of her life if she's mad at them?!? She hasn't spoken to her extended family in YEARS, hasn't spoken to her own monther since January (even though her mother still e-mails her, and sends her birthday gifts, etc - bids for love, basically...) - yet I'm still the bad guy??? Go figure.

This woman needs to learn forgiveness, and at 46 she still needs to grow up a little.