Hi everyone, Thank you again for your support...It's been a tough day so far...
S12 and I had a great morning together before we went to the airport - talked about the exciting year he has ahead of him (new school, new soccer team(s), new area, the great possibilities of the unexpected.
He and I talked a lot last night - just stayed up late talking - and he shared with me how he felt about these last few months and this past year. He told me that he felt like we (yes, we) had been through a very tough year together - but that he knew everything would be fine because, in his words, "you have the choice to do what you have to do or give up, and we don't give up." He also shared with me that he learned a lot about himself this summer - about how to assert himself more and not be embarrassed of himself at all (in some respects, he's an unusual boy with a lot of emotional intelligence that doesn't always make it easy for him to fit in with kids his age) - and he also said that he felt bad for B - since she decided to give up rather than do what she had to do to improve herself.
He cried when telling me how much he would miss S2 - which I thought was good and healthy - if a bit heartbreaking.
This morning he was almost bouncing off the walls with excitement - so I kept up my side of the positive energy until he was on the plane. He had already seen me cry - and knows that I love him and will miss him intensely - so I knew it was a good time to offer him my own excitement for what's ahead.
As for what's ahead...I think I know part of the reason S12's departure has cut into me so deeply - and it simply has to do with how easy it was when with him to keep away from the stuff I still have to heal. While it's normal to miss my S12 as much as I do, I also recognize that a lot of the pain and sadness comes from the lingering voids that I still have in myself - voids that I have to take care of for myself - and that I have to work on as much as possible - so that, by the time he comes back to live with me through high school - I'm in a better place emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
One of the things that hit me hard last night - and still echoes into my heart today - is that I had to explain to my S2 that S12 will be going to stay at his "mommy's house" for a while. The fact that I have two sons that both have a notion of "mommy's house" just shocks me and saddens me. The look on S2's face when I mentioned it to him last night was just so painful to see - it was an expression I had never seen on his face before - and I realized that I had just seen real sadness in his face for the first time. I hope he's okay when I pick him up today...I know he will be eventually - but my little boy has already been through so much upheaval...I just wish it would settle down for him soon.
NW: Thanks so much for your positive energy and your incredible optimism - even through words, it's contagious.
VV: Thank you for the reminder to focus on the bond between S12 and me...since that won't change.
Rob: It is good to have B out of my system - so that I can concentrate more on myself and my children (though it's not usually in that order). And you're right, he will be back soon.
Coach: It is another lessons in loving detachment and patience...and I completely understand getting tired of learning lessons we didn't sign up for...but that's just what I think I've learned to do over this past year - accept a lot more...and open myself up to the opportunities that present themselves through the toughest moments. Hugs to you and Greek.
Alex: You're so right...so many times I've been on the soccer field with my S12 and heard the way some father's treat their children - and I've seen the ways in which their sons process and internalize their negative relationships with their fathers...I am very fortunate to have the bond and relationship I do with S12...it's part of what makes it so hard to have him leave - but also what makes it so exciting to know that he has what he needs to thrive all on his own...and with ample support of his family - his mom is a great person.
