Bluerain, you've done a lot more than my wife. At least you're trying by reading books and being willing to talk about it. I'd be very happy if my wife would do that. I bought several of the SSM books on this website, one of the tape courses, and had counseling sessions with one of the coaches, which have all been helpful to me. My marriage is still an SSM, but at least I understand the issues better and I know I'm not alone in what I'm dealing with.
And you're right, having sex outside the M is not a good idea. It's just that having no sex, or getting divorced, are worse ideas.
And yes, I mentally know that I'd probably find a more intimate relationship to be more fulfilling. But I don't really feel that loss so much because I have little experience with such a relationship to compare with my present situation. I'm used to having to figure out what to do with my sexual desires in other ways, while keeping my emotional relationship separate and without erotic aspects. It can be a bit stressful at times, but it's something I've adapted to.
