I also spend the whole time telling myself "remember to ask questions, validate, don't criticize or be judgemental, don't take over the conversation..." It's very tiring.
Yes to answer your question. I am detaching, but trying to do some loving things too. Any suggestions?
This is a tough one to get your head around. B/c, your impulse is to withdraw, not detach. And they are NOT the same thing.
I suppose the best way I worked at this was to understand that the negative feelings I had (and still have) for my W resulted from W hurting me. It did not mean I no longer love her, just that I temporarily have negative thoughts about her.
So, you need to buy into the premise that "love is a decision" and NOT a feeling. Right or wrong, it's your W's FEELINGS that got her where she is. If we know we cannot make a sound decision based on feelings, then it makes sense that love should not, and I submit cannot, be based upon feelings. Rather, love is the decision to love someone despite what they are doing to you right now.
Consequently, in my little mind, detachment differs from withdrawal in that detachment is making the decision to love my W despite the current situation while, at the same time, accepting that the old M is over. If a new one develops, then great. If it doesn't, then I know I tried everything I could and improved ME. Obviously, working on YOU is a BIG part of detaching.
Tough conept to understand and tougher to implement.
Another thought I used was to treat my W as a hot, female co-worker. I wanted to flirt with her, but not too much that I would get in trouble for fishing off the company pier.
Been a long day, so if I missed the mark on your question, sorry.
