A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Hi, Kett,

Your input is always welcome and you didn't sound snarky.

I'm not sure if H would have used the word controlling, but I know he felt like he was never allowed to be 'right'. So maybe that's in the ballpark of the point you were going to make?

I have backed way off on those kinds of things unless life or limb are at risk.

Example (the new Dia): H is cooking veggies on the grill. I suggest he brush them with olive oil. I suggest it once and once only and I completely detach from whether or not he does AND from whether or not there are negative consequences if he doesn't. And then I praise him for something else associated with the meal. The old Dia would have brought up the oilive oil again - and probably again - and then gotten upset if he didn't use it and the veggies were inedible (e.g. "You never listen to me!")

The world will not end because of veggies that are half burned, half raw. Not a battle worth fighting. If H detects that the veggies were unpalatable, maybe next time he will try the olive oil, or maybe not. No biggie. H is happy with the praise and the meal didn't get spoiled by me obsessing about the ding-blasted olive oil.

Example 2: I drive H's car and the breaks are bad. I tell H I think the brakes are bad but he says they're fine. I calmly restate my position on the brakes and I draw a boundary that neither kidlet or I will ride in that car until the brakes are examined by a mechanic. The interesting part is that in the old marriage, H would be more angry if the mechanic DID find a prob. with the brakes than if he didn't. I sorta don't get that one unless it just means that H is a bit insecure when faced with a sitch where I do happen to be correct about something?