I'm not letting it get to me as much, but just to share the bat-sh*t crazy behavior that I am dealing with. The W just called to chat paying bills and ask me about a recent paycheck. She joked and was playful.
THIS is why I called my thread UPS & DOWNS! The last conversation we had was her telling me she's filing, she will NEVER commit to me, she needs to follow her path, I will go insane if I stay here any longer, and finished with "Fine! I'll die here unhappy! I'm not going anywhere!"
I think that I am going to wake up and find that I am not really me, but a man in a padded room somewhere. If I'm not already, I'm headed there.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
The last conversation we had was her telling me she's filing, she will NEVER commit to me, she needs to follow her path, I will go insane if I stay here any longer, and finished with "Fine! I'll die here unhappy! I'm not going anywhere!"
How did you respond?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I can't remember the exact wording, but basically, "I'm so sorry that you have been hurting, I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you, I have not held you here and you could have gone at any point in the past 9 months. I have asked you to please think about this for the sake of our son and try to find happiness within our family." I also asked what I could do to better help.
She said that she has seen amazing changes in me in the past couple of months but they haven't changed how she has felt about me so we must not be "meant to be together." I said that I would not expect her feelings to change so quickly if she has been hurting and developing resentment over such a long period. I also said that we shouldn't leave our family's future to fate. We need to make a committment to work together, not wait for fate to fix things.
There was a LOT of other !@#$!@#$% that came out, but that was the just of it. (along with "please don't swear at me or call me names. I am not raising my voice to you...)
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Well, she wasn't too late last night. I heard her come at around 11:15. She did say that she was going to her friend's house before she left.
An old friend of mine called me at work yesterday. He said he had just talked to my W as he accidentally called my house instead of my cell phone. They talked for nearly a 1/2 hour.
He has been D for around 7 years. His daughter still has trouble with it. It sounded like my buddy hit W pretty hard with how rough D can be and how wee really need to try to work things out. "Freaking great," thought. I was just trying to give her space after this weekend and now she's going to feel pushed into a corner again. I thought about calling and telling W that I had nothing to do with the call, but I let it go.
When I got home, she wa chatty (I used to initiate all conversations...not any more). She eventualy brought up the call with my friend. She said she really got something out of it. (didn't tell me WHAT she got out of it and I didn't ask)
It was weird. She seemed to want to talk with me last night and all I wanted to do is get the hell away from her. I don't really like conversations with her anymore. Our conversations consist of her being cold and hurtful. I leave them feeling like crap. So, even when it seems like time to talk and something good could be said, I just want to run the other way.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Just for my own blogging purposes, more "Happy Face" at the GMA house. She made dinner, started lots of conversation and even asked about my day last night. We've been through this before. After a couple of days or a week, she can't keep it up so she starts being mean, withdrawln, or inconsiderate (dropping the bait). In the beginning, I jumped right on it and eventually said something snotty, passive/aggressive, or complained. I don't do it so much now though. That seems to get to her more.
I have been receptive, but not too receptive. I am not initiating conversations. Lots of time in the garage or working in the yard. (I have always been the persuer)
I really think this is her way of "trying" but it hasn't been effective. We need new tools. I haven't shared DB with her, but as we all know doing the same thing and expecting different results doesn't work. Since she's not changing her tactic, I will have to keep changing my response.
She's out of town (w/S7) this weekend. That's definitely a change from our past. She would never have gonr out of town w/o me. It will be a good break for both of us.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Well, I got a lot done this weekend. I made sure the projects around the house were taken care of. I read, and even got out with a friend most of Saturday.
My son called each night they were gone and I talked to W two of the nights. Short and sweet (smile and wave as I read somewhere...I like that one). Just asked about their day. Wished them well for the next day.
I got the book "His Needs, Her Needs." It was good. I didn't agree with everything, but the overall concept was good. I think I let my Love Bank for me run dry.
Strange - when they came home, she continuted to "Smile & Wave" herself. She made chatty conversation and seemed excited to show me the pictures from their weekend. I'm kind of conflicted on this. I think it's a good thing, but it's kind of weird considering that it was pictures of the "Hubby isn't allowed weekend." Kind of hurtful considering that everyone else in her family was doing the stuff that I used to be included in. They she came home and talked all about it, kind of like the reason that I wasn't there is because I had to work or something and not because she didn't want me to go!
I'm sticking with the smiling and waving.
In the mean time, I started the book "The Dance of Anger," which may help to understand my W a a little better.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
hi gma. i have been reading your sitch with interest. Is it possible that you are the one that is detaching now? i have always had an issue with lovingly detaching because it can easily close off your heart from the original goal.
I haven't lost sight of my goal, but I am less emotional about her every move. That's for sure.
I am still doing some things to be a good guy (for myself and for her). I made sure the house was spotless when she got home, had gone grocery shopping, and cooked dinner when they got home. I didn't make a big deal out of it though.
When she has goten chatty, it has made me uncomfortable. I'll chat for a bit then go for a walk or find something else to do. I'm afraid to talk to her for long. It was only a week ago that she told me she is filing (again). I don't really want to talk to her like I used to. It's either cold and superficial or spiteful and hurtful. Nothing really in between.
I also spend the whole time telling myself "remember to ask questions, validate, don't criticize or be judgemental, don't take over the conversation..." It's very tiring.
Yes to answer your question. I am detaching, but trying to do some loving things too. Any suggestions?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
