W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[tryingtilDorR]

I am finding a lot in common with you all on this thread. My wife was heavily into an EA that I busted up in March. Since then we have been in limbo - she doesn't want to work on the M but is doing some IC, but states that eventually we will D but isn't moving in that direction aggressively yet.

Pigskin - I am like you in that our R was lacking 'connection' for a while so I also struggled with whether detatchment was the right thing or not since that was part of the problems we had.

I did what robx is advocating - I told her I wanted NC with OM and I also talked to OM as well (not sure it helped). She put in an effort to do this but continued to state she was just here for the kids. However, I found that the EA had returned to a lesser extent (instead of daily contact it was a few times a week and less intense) at one point a couple of months later (May/June) and gave her the ultimatum of no contact or leave. She chose to move out of our bedroom and be 'separated' in the same house, but at the same time she has once again cut back on the OM (seems like a text msg or two a week at most).


What did I learn from all this regarding ultimatums when you have little connection with W? The good thing was that I firmly established boundaries regarding OM I think to some extent and have continually pressed this point, but at times have obsessed a little too much over it. The bad thing is that my ultimatum didn't go the way I planned and she chose to half-leave.

Now I realize that in the end I can't control her and OM but I can at least stay firm on boundaries in order to try to gain some respect.

Looking at the big picture the good news is that she isn't moving towards D, and OM contact is way reduced, so I must have done something right. If I had done nothing she would have been in a full-blown EA+PA for a long time by now.

However, I am still in limbo, but 'attaching' doesn't help in my situation since it is what I did early on and it drove her further away (she called it 'smothering' her and also complained when I would question her whereabouts, etc). Detatching/dropping-the-rope is the only option I think, while continuing to maintain boundaries about OM.

Lately I have been feeling more indifferent about her - this feeling is more prominent all the time. I am getting tired of being disrespected and treated badly, especially in front of my kids, so I am starting to avoid her when I can and calling her out no her bad behavior in front of kids when I need to. I am willing to stick it out for the sake of my family and suffer through but in the end she will be the one filing for D and explaining it to our kids, not me. Right now, hope of R is slowly fading away unless she miraculously turns her attitude around, but I know that 'attaching' is not the answer.

She knows I still lover her and it is almost a problem I think, so I don't need to demonstrate that much any more - it is respect that is lacking.

Pigskin - you might want to pick up "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson.