I have been on this board longer than I would care to admit. Somehow I cannot let it go. It provides a comfort for me knowing that I am not the only one going through this madness.
In a nutshell, H left several years ago. We lived apart for a year. He came out of his crisis long enough to see the damage he had done to our sons left the OW and moved home. Two very long years of both IC and MC and a career change which entailed him quitting a 25 plus year secure job(OW worked with him) and pursuing his life’s dream of teaching. All of that is behind us now but for the student loans. He is now a happy man doing what he loves and we are stable.
Stable. That is all. We are roommates and platonic friends. We do everything together. There is no affection, no romance, no sex. Nothing. He has excuses. First was school, then getting used to new job. Then my weight, which isnt that bad and had never been an issue before. I no longer expect it and don’t dare attempt any kind of action in that direction. I no longer broach the subject it does me no good. The rejection hurts me more than the infidelity ever did. To this day there is a part of him that he gave freely to OW as well as two others before her but refuses to give to me. It has been 7 years since his return. I can count on one hand the times we have had sex. The last time was almost two years ago. I have given up. I am 49 years old.
I hate him for taking this away from us for reasons I don’t understand or even know about. I am done asking. I am done trying.
Financially, we are like most here. Cannot afford to keep the home I purchased on my own while he was away without his economic help. We have bills that accumulated during the 5 years he did not work and was going to school. I of course own half of that debt. My job is not stable anymore.
To add to all of the above, my 29 year old son who is married, has one 2 year old daughter and another on the way, wants out of his marriage. I am the only one he talks to even though he knows he is hurting me. I have to continue to be his sounding board or I feel he will walk away. His wife is very domineering and it is worse with the pregnancy. He starts counseling on 9-4-2009. This will hopefully help as I truly believe their issues are communication. They each don’t know how to speak to the other to be heard. He loves his daughter and has promised he will go into counseling with an open mind.
How can I walk away now? My life is not his life but him believing we put our marriage back together gives him hope. I feel so dead inside. I have been patient. I have been loving and kind and never once did I use the infidelity issue to hurt him. Not once.
I dont know what I want. Just needed to vent to people that understand. I used to believe I could overcome all of this and I no longer do. I think I made a very big mistake.
You didn't make a mistake by reconciling your M. Its what you should do. It sounds like there is just more work to do. Have you and your H tried a sex therapist? I know it is a bit different than regular C, but that seems to be the issue for you and him according to your post. I have never been to one so I can't really speak with any knowledge on one. But it could be worth a try for yall.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Also, like you said. You may be keeping your S's M together by your example. In the long run, that would pay great dividends for your grandkids. They could look back at you and thank you for it.
Keep trying new things with H. You never know. You might just run across something that finally works. But don't quit.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Tell your son about Retrouvaille. It really could help. It might help your M, as well.
Only you can decide what your limit is. There is a quote in a book that I will try to find tonight that might help you think about what you want, and how you might get there.
I cant make any more changes, I am frozen. I literally feel ice cold when he is near me. He actually hugged me over the weekend and it felt so odd, like a stranger was hugging me. I cannot put myself out there anymore, the rejection and excuses now cut like knives. It puts me in a very dark place that takes a long time to get out of. I am afraid to have it happen again what if I cant get out? Why were they all worth the effort but I am not?
Sometimes I think he just let too much time go by and now doesnt know how to fix it or approach me. I have not given him any reason to not approach me, at least not yet. I just cant put myself out there again. I have tried but just cant anymore. How many times does someone have to show you they dont want you to start believing it. I believe it now.
I know I have to keep doing this for my son. I wont be selfish and give him that excuse to walk away from a 2 year old and pregnant wife. I know counseling will help him but dont want to confuse the situation any more than it already is by filing for divorce. I want a solution that will work for me so I get some peace. Can I just be roommates? sure but that feels so fake. I would only be doing it to get the bills paid off so I could afford to live on my own. That seems so cold.
I dont believe he knows but I am not him. Based on his past actions I think he may believe that since I have not brought up the lack of intimacy in our relationship that I am ok with how things are right now. Telling him my feelings would do no good. He will make excuses and blame me. In the past he has told me that I dont visually excite him because I am a little chubby. So were two of his three OW......but maybe it is true that if I cant look like the OW (the last one who was very thin and was his supposed soul mate ) then he cant be responsible for his lack of desire. What am I supposed to do with that? It hurts to hear it and it hurts to believe that maybe he has been telling the truth the entire time and he just doesnt love me....He now says he does, when asked....which I havent done in a very long time but I no longer believe it. I dont believe in much anymore
I think it is probably better if you separate your son's situation from your own. Hanging on to a bad situation is not the example you want to set. You want to show that things can be different.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I dont believe he knows but I am not him. Based on his past actions I think he may believe that since I have not brought up the lack of intimacy in our relationship that I am ok with how things are right now. Telling him my feelings would do no good. He will make excuses and blame me. In the past he has told me that I dont visually excite him because I am a little chubby. So were two of his three OW......but maybe it is true that if I cant look like the OW (the last one who was very thin and was his supposed soul mate ) then he cant be responsible for his lack of desire. What am I supposed to do with that? It hurts to hear it and it hurts to believe that maybe he has been telling the truth the entire time and he just doesnt love me....He now says he does, when asked....which I havent done in a very long time but I no longer believe it. I dont believe in much anymore
OK. I really, really understand that. My situation was very similar, except without an OP. Which almost makes it worse, in a way, but that's irrelevant right now.
So, the big question is, do you want to try, or not? No judgement coming from me. I think there are things you can do if you want to try. I think doing nothing is a bad idea. And trying might push him out the door. So, that leaves it to you.
Also, I agree, your situation, and your son's are separate. Don't go down a martyr path on that one. I would suggest he Google Retrouvaille.
