I have been on this board longer than I would care to admit. Somehow I cannot let it go. It provides a comfort for me knowing that I am not the only one going through this madness.
In a nutshell, H left several years ago. We lived apart for a year. He came out of his crisis long enough to see the damage he had done to our sons left the OW and moved home. Two very long years of both IC and MC and a career change which entailed him quitting a 25 plus year secure job(OW worked with him) and pursuing his life’s dream of teaching. All of that is behind us now but for the student loans. He is now a happy man doing what he loves and we are stable.
Stable. That is all. We are roommates and platonic friends. We do everything together. There is no affection, no romance, no sex. Nothing. He has excuses. First was school, then getting used to new job. Then my weight, which isnt that bad and had never been an issue before. I no longer expect it and don’t dare attempt any kind of action in that direction. I no longer broach the subject it does me no good. The rejection hurts me more than the infidelity ever did. To this day there is a part of him that he gave freely to OW as well as two others before her but refuses to give to me. It has been 7 years since his return. I can count on one hand the times we have had sex. The last time was almost two years ago. I have given up. I am 49 years old.
I hate him for taking this away from us for reasons I don’t understand or even know about. I am done asking. I am done trying.
Financially, we are like most here. Cannot afford to keep the home I purchased on my own while he was away without his economic help. We have bills that accumulated during the 5 years he did not work and was going to school. I of course own half of that debt. My job is not stable anymore.
To add to all of the above, my 29 year old son who is married, has one 2 year old daughter and another on the way, wants out of his marriage. I am the only one he talks to even though he knows he is hurting me. I have to continue to be his sounding board or I feel he will walk away. His wife is very domineering and it is worse with the pregnancy. He starts counseling on 9-4-2009. This will hopefully help as I truly believe their issues are communication. They each don’t know how to speak to the other to be heard. He loves his daughter and has promised he will go into counseling with an open mind.
How can I walk away now? My life is not his life but him believing we put our marriage back together gives him hope. I feel so dead inside. I have been patient. I have been loving and kind and never once did I use the infidelity issue to hurt him. Not once.
I dont know what I want. Just needed to vent to people that understand. I used to believe I could overcome all of this and I no longer do. I think I made a very big mistake.
