She started to come after me about "Why" I am doing this - turning my own arguments around on me. - "Don't blame this on me! This is now all your doing, etc." I need to make sure I have my answers clear in my own mind - "I don't want to get D'd, but I am not going to stay married to you under these conditions." or similar.
I spoke to a L a few minutes ago - good friendly discussion in which he gave me some good free advice, and then referred me to some other L's who are specialists. His basic point was "If the M is going to end anyway, then Limbo just costs you - both $ and time from your life" He reminded me very pointedly that the longer you stay in a bad marriage, the higher the alimony responsibilities, etc.
I do still love Mrs. Thinker, but I can't stay in THIS marriage.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You called her bluff, and now she's freaking out. She knows full well what she's said, she knows she's been acting ugly, and she doesn't want to suffer the consequences.
She's upping the ugly accusations to see if that will work. In the past, taking shots at you has resulted in you trying to be understanding and validating and all of that. Meanwhile, she kept doing what she wanted to do. It makes sense that she's attacking you now.
However, if you hold the line, I sense she'll crumble. Have you thought about your boundaries and non-negotiables? When Mrs. Thinker finally realizes you're not playing and you're not willing to put up with her behavior any longer (and she will), what do you expect her and you to do to make the M better?
You definitely don't sound weak to me. You've got her attention...good for you. It's the Do Something Different principle, yes?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
When Mrs. Thinker finally realizes you're not playing and you're not willing to put up with her behavior any longer (and she will), what do you expect her and you to do to make the M better?
yep.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I understand the THIS marriage comment. And a NEW marriage is possible. But - well - you know.
Remember your buddy Coach played legal hardball with me and in doing so, won my respect (even though I was SPITTING MAD at first!) and focused my attention on the 'do I really want to do this' matter.
Stay clear with her about why this is happening. Careful how you put it. You wouldn't want to say "well YOU started this, Mrs. T" or anything like that. Clearly remind her about the deal breakers (OM FB), clear signals she is sending (wedding ring, disrespectful behavior on her part, things she has declared in terms of wanting out) and that you have decided not to live in THAT marriage. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
When Mrs. Thinker finally realizes you're not playing and you're not willing to put up with her behavior any longer (and she will), what do you expect her and you to do to make the M better?
yep.
Very Good Question. I need to work through that answer, and appreciate any of your efforts to keep me honest with that.
The initial answer to the question is the same as the answer to "Why am I doing this?" as stated by Greek:
Originally Posted By: Greek
Stay clear with her about why this is happening. Careful how you put it. You wouldn't want to say "well YOU started this, Mrs. T" or anything like that. Clearly remind her about the deal breakers (OM FB), clear signals she is sending (wedding ring, disrespectful behavior on her part, things she has declared in terms of wanting out) and that you have decided not to live in THAT marriage.
What do I want:
I want her to respect the marriage: - No OM(s) - FB or otherwise - Wear the ring - Accept that being married requires commitment and work
I want her to close her exits - Stop saying "I can never be happy here" "I see no hope in the M" "I don't want to do anything to give you hope re the marriage" - Stop saying "I can get a divorce any time I want to" or similar whenever confronted with her own actions - Stop saying "It is just fundamental differences - nothing can ever be improved or fixed"
I want her to admit that she also has issues - Take the initiative to begin reading some of the R books - Agree to return to MC (with a new, better C), and participate in those sessions. - Admit that she carries some responsibility for the state of our M and has to fix those issues she brings.
Last edited by Thinker; 08/18/0908:06 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You want her to act like an adult. She wants to be a teenager, breaking the rules and living footloose and fancy free on the security of "Daddy's" money.
You want her to act like an adult. She wants to be a teenager, breaking the rules and living footloose and fancy free on the security of "Daddy's" money.
Bingo!
...but now how to write that as a series of discrete, measurable actions...
Last edited by Thinker; 08/18/0908:24 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
