WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[theroadback]

"She emailed me today about a position in her company that she knew I would be interested in."

I'm just shaking my head over that one...she wants you to work at her company? ......the reply was ok don't beat yourself up.

[mindfull]

CIPA - I think she's starting to squirm. I'm w/Stronger on that one. It's about damn time!

[MrBond]

Don't pay attention to the messages she sends.

I believe she did send it because she feels embarrassed at getting caught.

I don't usually subscribe to gucciloafer's ideology, but in this case it's appropriate. Start going out for you. You've wrestled the control away from her and the ball is in your court. Now you don't have to worry about doing something that SHE's not going to like. To hell with her.

Keep living your life. You'll get to the point to whether or not you want to forgive her and even want to get her back. She has alot to atone for and the fact that she has not apologized shows that she has a long way to go.

Keep up your healing. Praying for you and the boys.

[PMA_Baby!]

It's called GUILT. The WAS's actually have occasional moments when they think about all the damage they have caused.

Nothing changes until they decide to change it.

Just keep focusing on what's best for you.

If she want's you she knows where to find you.

[confusedinpa]

I personally don't think it's any different than the "acts of kindness" she would show since she dropped the bomb. She would help with laundry, cleaning, picking out new shirts/clothes, picking things up from the store, etc. I had thought she was doing it because she cared, but now "see" it was just guilt that she has now done to her family what her father did to her's. And she has said she had never forgiven him for that.

That will be her scarlet letter to bear.

What gets me angry is how she had tortured me, knowing how I felt and how much I wanted to work it out. Whipping me with her guilt speeches while dangling hope with these supposed "acts of kindness". I take accountability from the respect that I allowed her (sort of a solder getting taken prisoner of war). But even then there are rules of humanity to protect nations at war.

There were none here. This is what I have the most angst of. She knows how much this has hurt me and is most likely afraid of how angry I may become and what I would/could do. I have never physically/emotionally harmed her in the years we've been together. I will continue that commitment as I will offer that level of respect as the mother of my boys.

I believe the emotional harm that she will have to deal with will come from within her. I know that I will not have to do anything other than live my life well and continue to be the best man, person, father that I have grown to be during this horrific ordeal.

I wish I was as strong as those words sound. I am really struggling but those will be words that I will aspire to.

I know I will succeed. Failure is not an option.

Thank you all for your continued support

[MrBond]

I think most of us saw through her smokescreen, but you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt which is admirable.

So don't beat yourself over it. MLC makes people CRAZY. But it is HER problem not yours.

Keep to yourself and live. Go out and take a deep breath. Notice the blue sky and what it's like to just live.

It took me awhile to get to that point, but when I did, it was as if my gray life suddenly sprang back into color. Keep doing what you want to do.

[confusedinpa]

I think most of us saw through her smokescreen, but you wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt which is admirable.

Thanks Stuck.

It had always meant alot to me how long you have been sticking by me. Even when I would "argue" with you to defend her thinking she would never do such a horrific act. I know your situation is difficult as well, but I pray that your's had not crossed into a physical affair that is so disgusting and torturous through her actions.

I will continue to try to live my life, with my boys. As I told her when I confronted her, I will take care of my family, and my 2 boys are all that's left of that family. I truly feel that the woman I had married had died and has been replaced by a horrible monstor.

Will the fog lift someday and reveal the woman I loved and created a beautiful family with? Only God knows that. I know I need to be the best CIPA I can be for what the future shall bring.

I do struggle to find hope in finding some inner peace.

The fact that complete strangers gather here to offer support for the wounded in this battle for marriage is a testamony to that there are still good people out there.

I know I can always come here as well as call my friends and family to recharge to heal. I know I can't allow this to be a fatal blow to my mind, heart and soul.

Thanks for everything and helping me stay strong.

[Stronger]

Hey, just wanted to let you know something pretty key here....you aren't dead....I know it feels like dying, or what you might imagine it feels like, but you aren't dead, you aren't even dying.

Look. The tide is turning here. Yes, own your pain, but sort through it. Then when the time is right, let it go. My H STILL pisses me off. I still want to react and sometimes I do. A girl can only change so much, you know? BUT don't be so engrossed in the pain this has caused you miss other key signs....

Her sending you the information about the job is HUGE.

So, here's the 10 million dollar question: Are you interested in the job?

[confusedinpa]

Hey, just wanted to let you know something pretty key here....you aren't dead....I know it feels like dying, or what you might imagine it feels like, but you aren't dead, you aren't even dying.

Stronger,

I don't think/feel like I'm dying, but looking back over the last few post I can see how some of that emotion can be bubbling around. I really do feel like I am in mourning though. Over the death of my marriage and the death of the woman I married (in a figurative sense guys - don't want people to get concerned!). So I am grieving.

I had struggled over the last 7 months with the pain/guilt of hurting the woman I loved. It had taken me a LONG time to forgive myself but I had done that.

This pain seems so much deeper. I had told my therapist that before, I would feel these strong negative emotions, but they would subside quickly (minutes to seconds). Now they linger for a while. Not hours, but for a while. I feel that it runs longer and deeper. My therapist said it's because this is a much deeper hurt.

The job, ironically, is identical to what I am doing now, but would be with that company instead of the one that I've just started.

[MrBond]

My suggestion would be to not take it. You don't want to seem "dependent" on her. If she wants to make things right, how about starting with "I'm sorry..."