I couldnt agree more with 25yrs. Too much brain wasted over nothing. In the great scheme of things, a text will not bring him back or push him away.
And just for Gucci: H said he wanted back (I was polite friendly to him but completely detached), when I fell in love with a wonderful man. At that time, his A was going downhill but OW was still talking about moving in together so not that bad... K
Ok. I am not trying to get him back. I am trying to communicate in the way that will position me best in negotiating finances and other items until I can retain an attorney.
And it is not about this text, it is about setting boundaries that are clear and reasonable that I stick to.
Other people commented on hooking him in and that is NOT what I want to do.
So the energy spent here is not about bringing him back or pushing him away (very broad concepts) but trying to live the very consequential realities of my sitch.
I hope I am being clearer. I really need help staying on track and "Moving On." I wish moving on meant just packing up and heading for the hills but as it is, moving on requires regular communication and negotiation.
BTW- Kalni, you're a Goddess and don't you forget it!
I am at a similar position. And was endangering my position going nuts lately.
BUT, boundaries are set by consistency. By actions. By tone of voice. By choosing your battles wisely. Last time I went thru this, it worked. I am back on the saddle to make it work again.
Regular communication sucks. I was dreading it while I was on vacation. Today, I "switched". He is not allowed to touch me anymore. And if he does, he will never know.
I don't get it. You are acting as if you have some financial security WITH him and you don't.
He is NOT reliable so how do you lose by enforcing boundaries financially? As in getting a legal order for support so you don't have to keep asking him and hoping he pays enough and isn't borrowing money or spending it like a drunken sailor and blah blah blah. ALL THIS POWER TO HIM and yet he is NOT reliable.
What are you losing by enforcing something with him? YES You are letting your financial insecurity dictate and I think it's irrational b/c you think you have $$ security with him, in the face of overwhelming evidence that you do not...that's the thing. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
BUT, boundaries are set by consistency. By actions. By tone of voice. By choosing your battles wisely
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This issue of consistency is exactly why I chose to bring this text issue to the board. So I can make a clear decision about how I am going to interact with H and stick to it.
I feel like I'm speaking Chinese. I get that I have to set boundaries and be consistent; I am here to define what that will be so I can implement it.
Trust me, I had already detached pretty well but your sitch really drove home that I must take care of me and not make concessions.
I don't get it. You are acting as if you have some financial security WITH him and you don't.
He is NOT reliable so how do you lose by enforcing boundaries financially? As in getting a legal order for support so you don't have to keep asking him and hoping he pays enough and isn't borrowing money or spending it like a drunken sailor and blah blah blah. ALL THIS POWER TO HIM and yet he is NOT reliable.
What are you losing by enforcing something with him? YES You are letting your financial insecurity dictate and I think it's irrational b/c you think you have $$ security with him, in the face of overwhelming evidence that you do not...that's the thing. j-
Here me out please. Right now, I can get H to give me what I ask for most of the time. The insecurity comes from me not having a steady income and my dependence on him. Without a good/great lawyer, I will get no where near what I am getting now. He has already given me more than I would get for child support. The alimony needs to be hashed out plus his diminished income and refusal to go get a job (he could easily make 4-5 times what I can) are issues that a great lawyer can address.
Regardless, I am going to meet with H soon to agree on a monthly amount and I will move into a cheaper place (lease is up here soon and it is waaay too expensive). I would love to discuss this with you IRL.
I have a modicum of control with H right now. I am hopefully going to find out this week if something I am selling will garner me enough money to move and hire an attorney.
While I do not have financial security, I do have most of the bills paid.
So, putting the text saga to bed. I had to send H an email about $ so I mentioned that I have a head cold but I'm alright, thanks for asking...
That felt comfortable to me as I have asked him to please communicate via email anyway (I prefer to not have those damn text messages springing up willy nilly).
Anyway, I guess I just have to handle things as they come though I would LOVE to be clearer and more consistent.
