But you need to not fall back into the same old routine. These changes that you both are making should stick because they are making you into better people not just to get the "prize". He is doing the same old stuff because you are letting him. Clearly set your boundaries, your rules for dating and stick with them.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Long time no see. I'm sorry to hear about how things have progressed. I think it is the disrespect that bothers me the most about my own situation. You are in a very precarious position either way, because the existing relationship is fragile.
What is important to remember is that you are in control of you - and you can choose what you want. You've come a long way, and to open up only to get hurt again will only turn you further off of your M.
So... I think you can continue your GAL activities, try and keep a PMA, and think it over with some friends. Feel free to vent here all you want - but I wouldn't make any long-term decisions without thinking it over a bit.
Move on when you are ready - but be sure that you are ready.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
Thanks guys. Shoot I've been ready to move on and the man keeps sucking me back in or I keep getting myself sucked back in.
Kat, I think tha tis what scares me, I want my changes to be permanent and it scares me that they're not yet. I was thinking that I too am reverting back to the same old ways of having him hurt and let me down and then fighting about it and the cycle goes over again. I want no need to set my boundaries. I don't want to be that woman who is disrepected anymore and just takes it. That's why I'm dong the nc today and tomorrow maybe. I need to get my head together again. My heart is taking over and I can't think clearly I feel. I don't want to get sucked back in and I certainly don't want to take his disrespect. I know disrespect breeds disrespect and that is why we are where we are today.
You may not want there to be a need for boundaries but there is a need. Everyone has boundaries, some of them are just so well known they go unspoken. You have to respect yourself. If he disrespects you, this is what happens. If he treats you with respect, shows up on time, does as planned, this is what happens.
So you love the guy but nothing is going to change if you don't use your head and set those boundaries. Unless of course you like the nasty little cycle you have been in.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Truth of the matter in thinking about it, I don't even know how to set boundaries actually. I've gotten so much intp the habit of just telling h how I feel that its crazy that I'm now realizing that I don't know what I should be doing to set these boundaries. Where do I begin? If he stands me up, what should I do. The last time I just went ahead and saw the movie without him. Should I just not even bother to schedule dates with him anymore. should I use NC as a means of setting boundaries, how should I actually do this. I just realized that I don't know how to do this properly.
Boundaries are guidelines for how you want to be treated. If he skips a date and calls later, let him know you had a good time anyhow but that you won't be setting anymore dates with him until he can show you that time with you is valuable.
If he yells at you for example, tell him that you will not accept that from him and either end the conversation or ask him to leave. Let him know when he has acted towards you in a way that makes you happy so this isn't just about negatives. Figure out out how you expect someone to treat you and then you are going to have to "teach" him those boundaries.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
something has to change and perhaps your boundary setting will do it. he is still getting away with acting the way he always has because he doesnt see a consequence.
set the boundaries. i wouldnt make plans with him. and stick to it, he may think that after a week u will forget. dont forget.
let him show u he wants to treat u the right way.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Where do I begin? If he stands me up, what should I do. The last time I just went ahead and saw the movie without him. Should I just not even bother to schedule dates with him anymore. should I use NC as a means of setting boundaries, how should I actually do this. I just realized that I don't know how to do this properly.
They actually have entire books written about boundaries, and I've read a few of them this past year. I think some people are just naturally better at setting and maintaining boundaries, but some like me can learn with practice.
I think the way you handled that last time with the movie was PERFECT!!! I'm rereading the MWD book on Changing your life, and she talks about stuff like that. I know one example she gives in there was a couple whose friends would always show up late to dinners with them, hours late. So finally they had a dinner at their house, and when their friends didn't show up they went ahead and ate without them, put their friend's food in tupperware and the frig. They heated it up when they got their hours later. She says the next time they made plans with the friends, they showed up on time for the first time ever. But even if it hadn't worked, the couple was not allowing their bad behavior to ruin their dinner and fun.
I think since that seemed to work out so well (when you went to the movie without him) I would keep doing that. Not letting his lateness hurt you in anyway or keep you from having fun. Eventually if he keeps doing that, then maybe it would be natural for you to just make plans with others, but maybe you could keep giving him a chance a few times until you feel that it is just total disrespect for you.
doodles, gosh to be honest I think I've done a terrible job of enforcing consequences. Look even when H was living with ow, I was still having him stop by and I feel terrible about that in hindsight. It sends such a back message like I'm condoning the whole crap.
Karen, good idea!! I think I am actually going to get a book on setting boundaries b/c I need the help and I guess what I learn will help me in all aspects of my life.
I feel so disgusted with h right now I don't even feel like I want to be bothered anymore. I feel like I'm just wasting my time and he'll never change. We were suppose to have a movie night tonight and you know I didn't even bother. I had gotten the tickets so a few days ago so I just asked my sister to go with me. H called me several times saying that he's leaving work, I guess he was planning on making it this time, but I just didn't even bother to answer his calls. I'm just disgusted with him. I didn't even bother to cancel with him either. Not that I'm trying to do what he did but I didn''t want to go through the ropes of him standing me up or not getting there on time, etc. Why bother. My sis and I went and had a good time. I called him back after the movie and, of course, what does he say, did you enjoy your date? That's all he thinks of. Yack!!!! We had a real short convo. He said he was just seeing if I was ok, I said yes happily, and he said ok bye. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
it would have been so much easier if I didn't love him.