I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Well, I had a pretty good weekend with the kids. They spent the night with me Sat night, and Sunday we went to an art fair, had lunch, etc... W told me Sat that they were invited to a b-day party for a neighborhood girl at 2pm Sunday. So, W asks me if I would be willing to drop them off there for a couple of hours. I agree, and then offer that maybe we could go for a walk or get a coffee at that time. She said "maybe..."

Sunday comes, and I'm at the art fair with the kids. W calls me to see when we would be by the house, because she had a present there for the b-day girl. She also says that she might not have time to go on a walk with me, as she has to go to the laundramat to do some laundry (as the washer at home is not working... Some things don;t get fixed when I'm not there.) I ask her if she'd mind if I hung out with her, and she again says "maybe..."

So, we get back to the house to pick up the present, and she asks me if I wanted to just walk the kids over to the party. I said 'sure' and she says "OK, and I'll just wait for you here..." Huh. I guess that means I will be hanging out with her for a while. So, we end up going to the laundamat together, and we both rode in her car (haven't done that in 10 months...) and we hung out and talked. The talk turned to R talk...not too pressuring, but just talk. I think I initiated it - mildly, and then offered her a way out - that if she was not comfortable with it, we could just drop it. As much as it seems she tries to avoid it at times, she also seems somewhat willing to talk about the R more and more. I know R talk is not what is typically advised in DB, but it is also a bit of a 180, as we keep avoiding it otherwise. So, I brought up the issue of avoiding, and she seemed willing to talk.

We ended up walking to a nearby coffee shop, and continued there. The conv was friendly and pleasant, and I cautioned her that I do not want to pressure her or corner her, and if she felt that way she needs to let me know. I told her that I'm aware that if I pressure her, that she will probably avoid me, which is what I don't want. She agreed with that assesssment.

She told me that she knows the current financial situation is leaving me real short. She knows I am also displaced (but living with my folks) and that it is not ideal. She knows I now have a commute with my poor old car - and that she gets all of that. I asked her if she knew my desires, and she said she did. She said she still needs some time to think a few things through. This makes me think that there are 2 or 3 discreet "things" that she's trying to figure out. I told her I hope that they aren't ways to cut me out of the family circle, and to have life go on without me. She assured me that that was not the case. Besides, she knows the kids need their Dad, and that she would never want to keep them from me. She mentioned a divorced single mom-friend of hers, and she told me that she and her H have been D for several years, and they never even speak to each other. I told her I don't want that. I wondered what type of feedback her friend was giving her about her D. W said that despite the turmoil of this past year, the kids have handled it and adapted pretty well. I told her I was glad about that - but also that this situation is far from an ideal outcome. That there's a better solution to all of this, in my opinion.

She said things like "if we were to stay together..." as though that is one option - and I was REAL glad to hear her say that. She mentioned that a couple of times... I forgot what she was specifically referring to when she said this, but it was something to do with how we communicated, and how she had thoughts and ideas that she felt I was dismissing as unimportant. I remember doing that, and I acknowledged that...but I also reminded her that I've been learning and trying to take this time to improve myself when it comes to relationships. She acknowledged this by saying "I appreciate all you're doing..." so she sees the changes. I said that I understand she might need some assurances that the changes will be for good (and she said 'no, I think I'm seeing that already') and that I have been studying and reading a lot on the subject (also not advised by DB, but it seemed to fit at the time) and I realize that this is something that will not end. In other words, if we get back together, I (we) am not done learning, and that we would probably contimue to work to improve things for the rest of our lives. She seemed accepting of this. She seemed to approve of my interest in improving myself -she said she talks to wer women friends, and they all say how they are interested in improving themselves, yet their husbands don't want to... I told her that I don't necessarily think that's always the case - most of the moms are stay at home moms, and the H's all work 40+ hrs a week, so when they're home with the kids, they are probably happy to have their family time. I know a lot of guys improving their education, or working their way up the ladder, or getting better jobs... She said she was glad to hear that I was taking steps to improve myself.

So, that's how it went... ok.