In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

I'm treading lightly b/c he has terrible mood swings and is quite volatile. I just never know what is going to set him off. He has some type of personality disorder (I think borderline personality disorder even though it is more commonly seen in women), so my anger has turned into compassion. He has a mental illness and is very good at covering it up with most people b/c he doesn't let anyone get too close to him. Watching him self-destruct is very painful.

I have compassion too for my H. I'm sure he has some issues going on too, but, I think it's even more important to take care of yourself and protecting yourself. You shouldn't in any way let him treat you like crap b/c he has a mental illness. If he's in a rage either he or you should leave the situation. And don't let him talk to you or treat you rudely. I think something that is lacking in many of our marriages is respect, and if you allow him to treat you badly then you lose that.

Karen

Thanks---I already put your suggestion into practice today. This morning, we had the first long phone call/conversation that we've had in weeks. Our son has been having a hard time and he wanted to talk in more detail about how our son has been coping. (I took him to see a play therapist b/c he's only 4.) H got really angry with me on the phone, told me that I was keeping details about our son from him, swore at me, and was quite rude. So I calmly said that if he couldn't speak to me without swearing or being hostile, I was going to end the call. To that, he said, "Well, I'll just keep calling you or come to your office!" I calmly said I was going to hang up and that when he calmed down, we could talk again. I hung up the phone quietly! Wow! That was big for me.

Of course, he called me right back. He apologized, although he did it in an angry way so it was insincere. We then proceeded to talk about our son. My H got upset again and said he'd "NEVER BE OK" with any of this in a very hostile way. I know he was referring to the fact that he's not with our son every day. I wasn't sure how to respond or what to say. So I said very little. I reminded him that he decided to move out, not me, and that I do not see any of this as a solution to our problems. I stopped myself from talking about the R or the marriage any more than that though. Whew!

I feel so lost on how to deal with him. I just try to say very little and deflect any of his attempts to draw me into conflict. I'm establishing boundaries and letting him know that I will not engage his rage. I emailed him with some more details on how our son has been acting out and told him that despite his moving out, me and our son continue to think about him and love him every day. (Was that too strong?)

He sent me the following email:

Thank you for the note. Every day I am heartbroken that I am not with him. Most days I drive by the house and cry. However, our relationship deteriorated to a level that was no longer acceptable or healthy for any of us.

Any words of wisdom from anyone else with a WAS (husband)?

Thanks in advance for your time reading my long posts!