Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

In my post, TEGH, I gave you two areas to explore. You addressed one of these areas in detail:

C'mon, Bagheera, this is not about me being attracted to low drive women. If a "sexless marriage" is one were sexual intimacy occurs less than 10 times a year, then I suddenly encountered one and it was completely unexpected. But the outcome is the same. I ended up married, for a while, to a woman whose reason for being with me was to not have sex with me....I don't think it's because I attract or am attracted to low drive women. What I do say, is that I give and have given these women the space and the relative safety to be non-sexual if (and in my case when) they reach that point without dire threat of draconian consequences.

So what about the second area that I mentioned?

On the other hand, it may be that you have failed to understand and develop the personal attributes and behaviors that keep you sexually attractive to your partners.

As you stated to Virginia, you apparently have no trouble attracting women initially:

The last time I got firmly grounded in that way of being, I had women swarming around me. I had to (metaphorically speaking) swat them away like gnats and misquitoes (the madding horde).

However, your history indicates that you DO seem to have trouble keeping them sexually interested in you in the long-term. While I think that you are correct in stating that menopause and your wife's medical history have *contributed* to your sexless marriage, I do not think that they are the ONLY contributing factors --> they are just easy to point to.

If you and your wife were to divorce today, do you think that she would go through the rest of her life as a celibate, single woman, or do you think it likely that she would find another man who could "reawaken" her sexual interests again (as happened with your first wife)?

Simplistically put, every sexual relationship involves two people, and each person in that relationship has a responsibility (if they want to keep that sexual relationship alive in the long-term) to continue to *attract* their partner, make sexual *advances*, and likewise respond positively to their partner's sexual advances.

* Sexual attraction involves what is called sexual "polarity;" that is, men are inherently attracted to femininity, while women are inherently attracted to masculinity. Thus, the more feminine is the woman, and the more masculine is the man in the relationship, the higher the degree of sexual polarity and the more sexually charged or energized the relationship will be. Conversely, the more androgynous the partners are (the less feminine the woman and the less masculine the man), the lower the sexual polarity and attractiveness in the relationship.

* Sexual advances, in turn, fall into two categories: "enticement," generally the 'feminine' role, and "pursuit," generally the 'masculine' role. Doing either requires taking a risk, making yourself vulnerable to rejection, and putting forth time, energy, and effort in order to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. Often, however, partners become lazy, stop putting forth this effort, and become wrapped up in other things (children, careers, hobbies), and therefore they lose the sexual excitement that their relationship once had.

There is a lot more to it than the above, but the general point I am trying to make is that the failure of a long-term sexual relationship is RARELY the fault of just one partner -- both partners contribute to the failure.

Are you willing to entertain the notion that YOU -- your character and behavior -- have contributed to your ultimately sexless relationships?

If you are, then you have a choice:

(1) You can say "I am the way that I am, and I'm not willing to change my behavior." In which case, you should expect more-of-the-same behavior from your partner, also. Or;

(2) You can begin to explore what changes you *can* make, while remaining true to yourself and your moral values, that will enhance (or recapture) your sexual attractiveness to your partner. As I've stated before, this course of action has the added side-benefit of making you feel better about *yourself* as a man, and happier with your life in general, regardless of how your partner responds (or fails to respond).

You've asked for concrete examples. Read through my "The Bumpy Road to Recovery" threads in detail. Review the journey that I have been experiencing for the past two years. Go through the advice that I have been given. No, my case is not like yours, but there *are* some similarities, so take what applies to you and disregard what doesn't.

-- B.