Hey Carlos I am glad to see the gorilla is slimming down...!! Trust me, soon enough I know you will find a way to send that beast back to Congo..!! You are a beautiful and amazing person. You are one the best father that I know, period. I guarantee your S12 have learned from you so so much just from past year. He is that much more ready to take on the world. I know he is leaving on Tuesday. He will be far away, but distance or time is just a number. You two have that one special bond of love that can stand the test of time and distance. It will be tough, but it will pass. Like you said before, process the feelings and get ready to face the next challenges ahead. From your S12
Quote:
"I'm not worried about what's happening. I know that you'll make the right decisions about what's best for us. I trust you. I know you can handle it, even if no one else could."
I can say we all here believe in you also. Your S12 is going to have a blast in the new school. He probably will be one of the soccer superstar in school since we don't kick balls in the east coast..!!! Wait...did I just beak the "Man code" by calling another dude "beautiful'...!! Oh well.... You can do this, my friend.... NW626
PS: Your S2 has giant feet..!!
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
NW and your S12 are both right...we all trust that you will do what is best for your boys. Most importantly, your S12 already knows this.
I know you will be sad...that you are sad, but as NW pointed out, the sadness will pass and your bond will endure and grow.
NW - you have been missed...what an incredibly inspirational post you made to Carlos. I think you should be granted dispensation for breaking man code to call Carlos a beautiful person. I also disagree with you that we do not kick balls here on the east coast...oops...did I just say that?
Carlos - NW is right...just keep focused on your bond and the wonderful new things you are allowing your son to experience by trusting that bond and letting him go out into the world, albeit, much earlier than you would have liked.
I think it is a wonderful thing that you are focusing on what you can control - i.e. your relationship w/your boys - and not on what stbx is doing/not doing.
Your statement that you didn't even stop to think about writing about her is so cool to read, my brother!
We are taking my middle son off to college and it has been a drain on me emotionally lately. It made me think of you and that I needed to take some of my own advice. Transitions are not always easy. Corre ten Boom has a quote "The harder you hold onto something the more it hurts when God pries your fingers off it." I am letting myself feel my son leaving more this time. I am also more aware of how this is effecting my wife. I guess it's another lesson to be learned in loving detachment and patience. Sometimes I get tired of learning lessons I didn't know I signed up for.
I understand your sadness.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Take heart in knowing S12 loves you very much and you'll have him w/you full time again very, very soon.
RTL
Carlos,
What RTL said^^^
You're in his heart and he knows it; so, feel the sadness, but remember the bond that you and he have and try to revel in that knowing that many fathers living in the same home as their children never achieve even that...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I understand how deeply sad you are. There are many people here to support you. Maintain a safe space for yourself and feel your feelings. By allowing yourself to float in the direction of your sadness, it will slowly ease.
Hi everyone, Thank you again for your support...It's been a tough day so far...
S12 and I had a great morning together before we went to the airport - talked about the exciting year he has ahead of him (new school, new soccer team(s), new area, the great possibilities of the unexpected.
He and I talked a lot last night - just stayed up late talking - and he shared with me how he felt about these last few months and this past year. He told me that he felt like we (yes, we) had been through a very tough year together - but that he knew everything would be fine because, in his words, "you have the choice to do what you have to do or give up, and we don't give up." He also shared with me that he learned a lot about himself this summer - about how to assert himself more and not be embarrassed of himself at all (in some respects, he's an unusual boy with a lot of emotional intelligence that doesn't always make it easy for him to fit in with kids his age) - and he also said that he felt bad for B - since she decided to give up rather than do what she had to do to improve herself.
He cried when telling me how much he would miss S2 - which I thought was good and healthy - if a bit heartbreaking.
This morning he was almost bouncing off the walls with excitement - so I kept up my side of the positive energy until he was on the plane. He had already seen me cry - and knows that I love him and will miss him intensely - so I knew it was a good time to offer him my own excitement for what's ahead.
As for what's ahead...I think I know part of the reason S12's departure has cut into me so deeply - and it simply has to do with how easy it was when with him to keep away from the stuff I still have to heal. While it's normal to miss my S12 as much as I do, I also recognize that a lot of the pain and sadness comes from the lingering voids that I still have in myself - voids that I have to take care of for myself - and that I have to work on as much as possible - so that, by the time he comes back to live with me through high school - I'm in a better place emotionally, financially, and spiritually.
One of the things that hit me hard last night - and still echoes into my heart today - is that I had to explain to my S2 that S12 will be going to stay at his "mommy's house" for a while. The fact that I have two sons that both have a notion of "mommy's house" just shocks me and saddens me. The look on S2's face when I mentioned it to him last night was just so painful to see - it was an expression I had never seen on his face before - and I realized that I had just seen real sadness in his face for the first time. I hope he's okay when I pick him up today...I know he will be eventually - but my little boy has already been through so much upheaval...I just wish it would settle down for him soon.
NW: Thanks so much for your positive energy and your incredible optimism - even through words, it's contagious.
VV: Thank you for the reminder to focus on the bond between S12 and me...since that won't change.
Rob: It is good to have B out of my system - so that I can concentrate more on myself and my children (though it's not usually in that order). And you're right, he will be back soon.
Coach: It is another lessons in loving detachment and patience...and I completely understand getting tired of learning lessons we didn't sign up for...but that's just what I think I've learned to do over this past year - accept a lot more...and open myself up to the opportunities that present themselves through the toughest moments. Hugs to you and Greek.
Alex: You're so right...so many times I've been on the soccer field with my S12 and heard the way some father's treat their children - and I've seen the ways in which their sons process and internalize their negative relationships with their fathers...I am very fortunate to have the bond and relationship I do with S12...it's part of what makes it so hard to have him leave - but also what makes it so exciting to know that he has what he needs to thrive all on his own...and with ample support of his family - his mom is a great person.
Hi Carlos I am very happy to see this post from you. It seems like you already have new set of goals to work on. I am dealing with the same issue now. My S3 sometimes will ask where is mommy? Are we going to mommy house? I wish I can give you some hints, but I am searching the answer myself. On the other hand, kids seems to be much more adaptive that we give them credit for. I guess we just have to go with the flow and see..!! Echo to your S12, the Carlos that know just don't give up. He just give on working and working, soon enough the sunny bright sky will appear. Also, try several different new routines to fill up the time, stay busy...I found that was helpful for me when S3 wasn't with me at the beginning of my S.
You are right. No time to waste, time to work...!!
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
