What does he want?

[cantbreathe]

Yesterday was interesting. I've been thinking that he's beginning to soften, but last night was different. We talked on the phone a couple times yesterday. Each time was ok, but he would start to pull back near the end of the conversation. When he got home, I was cheerful, gave him a hug, asked about work, told him about our day, etc. It wasn't long before he was grabbing a beer (he drank every day this weekend - unlike him) and getting his cranky face on while grilling dinner. I remarked that I was little concerned he was drinking again today and he shrugged. I knew I couldn't keep quiet if he was going to be like this again. I turned down the heat on the stove, grabbed my keys and told him I was going out for a while and to eat without me.

I drove around and then went to my sisters for about an hour and a half. During that time my daughter (7) called and asked me where I was. Dad told her I left for a while because he thought I was mad at him. I assured her that I just needed a little time alone, just like she likes to play alone in her room. I was livid. When he spent 3 days in a row driving around for hours, I told the kids he just was out or relaxing.

He was quiet when I cam home. When the kids were settled with some ice cream and a movie, I asked him to come talk to me. I told him how crappy it was that he told our daughter that. I think she is really being affected by all this and we need to get it together for her. I also ended up telling him again that I was done with this behavior. He is not allowed to treat me badly. In all the time we've been together he has never treated me badly before. I told him I was sorry he was hurting and confused. I told him that I was trying to act normal and loving to him. He said he didn't care how I treated him. I got angry and told him that I believed he was saying all these hurtful things because he is hurt and confused and lashing out. I told him again that I would not play apart in ripping apart our family. I told him loved him and that we have a good marriage and we could work it out. I did not beg, plead or cry. I was firm, calm, but a little angry. I told him I didn't believe he didn't want his family or me, but that I was so sad that he wasn't even trying. I told him I was less upset right now by what he did than what he's doing now. It went on for a while, you get the idea. In the end I said he was going to have to talk to me eventually. He looked into my eyes during this whole conversation and then said I know. I said I wanted to be done fighting about this for now. That there was nothing wrong if acting as if for while. That if we treated each other with love and care and spent time together, that we would both feel the love again. That love is a decision. That we would be better and stronger.

We put the kids to bed, he took a shower and came out to the living room. I put on a tv show we like to watch together and he scooted his chair over so I could put my foot up on it. Then he rested his hand on my leg. About half way through the show I asked if he wanted to sit with me. He came over and sat close to me and rubbed my leg. Before we went to bed I told him I loved him. He said he loved me. I said "do you?" and he gave me this weird, charming, sheepish smile and said "probably". We kissed, big hug, went to bed.

I feel better than I have, but I am afraid of what today will bring. I am trying not to pursue, but he is a man that doesn't talk much. He is also very stubborn. From his reactions I think he wants to sit with me and touch me, but is too stubborn and afraid. I don't know. I am trying so hard to take it day by day, but I just want my life back. I don't understand how this stupid weekend trip set off such a bomb in our life. I never thought he would be so weak about what needs to be done, about accepting some responsibility. I never thought he would turn things around and act like such a victim.