I know you have a whole array of professionals helping you with your sitch, but FWIW I am not pressing the issue of H's OW and my DB Coach approves of the strategy. Granted, our sitches are different. H's is not a hot affair with frequent calls, texts or IMs. She lives about 2k miles away and they see each other maybe 4x/year. My take was to act like she doesn't exist and here's my current rationale:
1) If things between H and I continue to strengthen, she will very naturally drop away (meaning H will break up with her).
2) If H goes through with the D (nothing is filed yet), well - it won't matter.
Additionally, H and I did not have a strong connection at all when I started this work, so if I had pushed an ultimatum, I'd have lost, hands down. When the connection is stronger, I will take action if it is needed at that time.
Here's my bigggest concern with your sitch - if OM is really the creepy sexual predator he sounds like, there *is* something of an unholy attraction your W may be under. It will be hard for her to see and even harder to break. She would most likely defend OM if anyone said this to her directly. People always say that abused women stay with abusive men because they secretly think they deserve no better - but this is not often the subjective experience of the woman at the time. You can be under someone's control and not realize your strings are being pulled. Emotional blackmail is insidious because it flies under one's own radar much of the time.
I'm rambling here - so before I say more, I'll try to get my thoughts in order.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
