W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[pigskin]

Good luck with your situation, tristan. I hope the link I gave you helped out. A good counselor will help you a lot, and help you with your children, whatever happens next in your life. You sound like the type of person who will be able to find your way.

Hi breakaway,

I am sorry to hear that you will be leaving this thread, but understand. I have really appreciated your advice. I feel my wife feels much the way you did. Which is why I am having a hard time figuring out how to deal with our situation. The simple formula does not seem to fit here. The solution may need to be the same, but it is much harder to kick someone out that you already see as a victim of so much.

Thank you for your advice. I greatly appreciate and respect it.

Tristan, I am in a pretty similar situation as you, and have commented before on other threads about how such a fine line needs to be walked with regard to EAs. There is no one size fits all solution in my opinion because although scripts appear similar, each person involved is unique and brings different past experiences into the present.

You may see what appears to be conflicting advice sometimes between this site and the DR book. Detachment is advised a lot, but in my situation, loving detachment was what I had done my entire marriage. My family was loving but not demonstrative, and I was the same way. So detachment appeared to my wife as "more of the same" and had a negative affect. I'm NOT saying detachment doesn't work, just that you have to weigh your own situation and make sure it is appropriate.

I would love for there to be some action I could take to force the end of my wife's EA. But kicking her to the curb to make up her mind for her does not seem to be a good option for me right now. She has depression and we have 3 kids who love her.

It's hard as hell, especially when she engages in email conversations with the OM on our family vacation, and even on our anniversary. But she knows I've changed, and it is up to me to keep up the changes to ensure she can have faith they are permanent.