Hi G— This ride SUCKS. No two ways about it. I hope beyond hope my ride is coming closer to the end and with my marriage together, but still, I have a long long way to go. Depressing? Not anymore….I do smile a lot more now. I don’t see where anyone has said this to you, but I may have missed it. This is very very important: DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY, and less than half of what they do. My H has said in excess of 100 times since November of last year he wanted out. Sometimes I said Nope. Sometimes I said Maybe. Then he got braver and started say the actual word divorce. To that I always pretty much said, Sure, after we get professional help. (He was opposed to therapy, still is.) I’ve heard that at least 50 times. Now he says we’re dating. And he would say the same stupid dumb ignorant bs “I don’t want to confuse you” while HE was trying to ML. He would say this because I NEVER initiated sex. I always let him do it and then he tried that crap….really, you think I’m confused? Seriously? So one night he says it. (This was in mid April, which was around the time he stopped asking me about signing papers.) “I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.” I said “Ok, keep your ideas to yourself. I promise I won’t take any from you because frankly, lately, your ideas suck. So how about you just give me an organism instead?” He NEVER mentioned such nonsense again. But for me, I was willing to ML because I’m willing to do that for the rest of my life. Also in my situation, ML was one of the stronger aspects of our relationship. My therapist and my DB coach both suggested if it’s a strong part of the relationship, keep it going. And for me, it’s worked, but everyone makes that choice for themselves. Here’s my suggestions, take it or leave it, won’t offend me…… Stop all R talk unless in therapy. Keep up the happy memory sessions but not as an obvious tactic. If you see a duck walk by and you guys have a funny memory involving a duck, say “Hey remember when we were having a picnic and that duck pooped on that guy walking by????!!!!” Don’t bring up happy memories in the middle of a disagreement to guilt him. Be super great to the kid. If he should say something stupid about divorce again, esp. out of the blue….Just say, I understand, but you need to work on things the way you see best for you. I’m just glad we are getting along so well. No matter what, that’s always such a good thing, you know?” And walk away. Change the subject. Here’s something I’ve come to realize in recent days…..My H did want a divorce. I don’t doubt that anymore. I think in January and again in early April, he did. If either one of us had had the papers, it would have had happened. But I know with the help of my pretty small but very effective, well working army I hope I’m winning this war. My army consisted of my therapist, some very good friends here who understood what I wanted and never gave me crap about it (they even lit candles for me when it was soooo dark, I wanted to quit, they wouldn’t let me) and the many DBer’s I’ve met here…and of course, my copy of Divorce Remedy and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Those have been bibles for me. I also learned a lot from Marriage Fitness, (but I agree with many here, that works better if you have both people in the marriage working on it.) I’ve changed a lot. You will too. I think you can save this thing, you just need to start DBing your ass off. While stressful, you learn patience and much more. It’s sort of fun when you see improvements.
