H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[Arwen_in_NJ]

If you can possibly afford it, call a coach. I held off doing it for quite a while (thought I could get everything I needed by reading the book eleventy million times) but it is very helpful to have someone listen to your situation and give you specific, concrete advice.

Just my 2.

[ginab1966]

I know I signed up for this but I'm just an emotional wreck. I know it’s up to me whether I allow someone to cause me pain, anxiety, stress, etc but this rollercoaster ride that I’m on with my H is making me insane. I’m trying to just “roll” with it but it’s so hard to just take it moment by moment. When he is connecting with me and acting “as if”, I’m fine. If he is cold and not connected, I feel lost. Believe me, I know this is more about me than him and I’m getting therapy and going to CODA meetings to deal with my co-dependence. It’s just that this is so new that I don’t have all the tools to deal with it effectively yet.

Last night I came home expecting to get the icy chill after our conversation about divorce yesterday. On the contrary. I came home to a welcoming hug and nice conversation. Per our therapists request, we had to have a financial “come to Jesus” talk and sit down and pay the bills together. Last night was the night that had to happen as we have therapy tonight. This has always been a turbo charged event that I avoid like the plague. I do all the finances in our family. H wants nothing to do with it but also complains that we never have money for fun stuff. BTW, that’s because we don’t have enough money period. We not only got through that event in style, he started sharing with me voluntarily about his therapy appointment and how they talked about “faking it till u make it”. It’s a 12-step term and I am very well aquainted with it. I asked if he wanted to talk about his feelings around it and he said “No”. I don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted you to know about what was going on in therapy. He ended up inviting me in to his room to watch TV and we had the best time. He was very affectionate and was obviously making an effort. Things stared to get a little “hot and heavy” and I did say to him “I am not going to be a mistress in my own home. When we can do this, and I get to stay in your bed all night and my love u’s are returned, then I will reconsider. But I cannot do this and have you reject me 5 min later. I will not be treated like that anymore. I respect myself too much for that.”. He said, then why don’t just stay here anyway and we’ll take it from there.

This morning I got up with D and H and got them out the door as usual and I actually got a hug and kiss goodby. That hasn’t happened in over 2 months. So, am I confused???? OMG, yes. I don’t know how to react and it’s so hard not to take these great moments and not blow them out of proportion. So, I’m trying to take things day by day and hope that he keeps “faking it” and that we “make it” in the end. I love this man sooo much. I realize that part of this is his mental illness and emotional baggage which he just hasn’t dealt with effectively.

For today I will try and keep things in perspective and right sized. I will try not to make more of things than they are and just take moments as they come. I promise to put myself at the top of my list and do my best not to focus on my relationship or H. If I can do this, just for today, it will be a day well spent.

Thanks for listening as always….Gina B

[ginab1966]

Arwen....I'm saving some money out of each paycheck. We are financially strapped beyond belief but getting w/ a coach is really a goal of mine. Thanks so much for the reinforcement and advice.

[Stronger]

Hi G—
This ride SUCKS. No two ways about it. I hope beyond hope my ride is coming closer to the end and with my marriage together, but still, I have a long long way to go. Depressing? Not anymore….I do smile a lot more now.
I don’t see where anyone has said this to you, but I may have missed it. This is very very important: DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY, and less than half of what they do.
My H has said in excess of 100 times since November of last year he wanted out. Sometimes I said Nope. Sometimes I said Maybe. Then he got braver and started say the actual word divorce. To that I always pretty much said, Sure, after we get professional help. (He was opposed to therapy, still is.) I’ve heard that at least 50 times.
Now he says we’re dating.
And he would say the same stupid dumb ignorant bs “I don’t want to confuse you” while HE was trying to ML. He would say this because I NEVER initiated sex. I always let him do it and then he tried that crap….really, you think I’m confused? Seriously? So one night he says it. (This was in mid April, which was around the time he stopped asking me about signing papers.) “I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.” I said “Ok, keep your ideas to yourself. I promise I won’t take any from you because frankly, lately, your ideas suck. So how about you just give me an organism instead?” He NEVER mentioned such nonsense again.
But for me, I was willing to ML because I’m willing to do that for the rest of my life. Also in my situation, ML was one of the stronger aspects of our relationship. My therapist and my DB coach both suggested if it’s a strong part of the relationship, keep it going. And for me, it’s worked, but everyone makes that choice for themselves.
Here’s my suggestions, take it or leave it, won’t offend me……
Stop all R talk unless in therapy.
Keep up the happy memory sessions but not as an obvious tactic. If you see a duck walk by and you guys have a funny memory involving a duck, say “Hey remember when we were having a picnic and that duck pooped on that guy walking by????!!!!” Don’t bring up happy memories in the middle of a disagreement to guilt him.
Be super great to the kid.
If he should say something stupid about divorce again, esp. out of the blue….Just say, I understand, but you need to work on things the way you see best for you. I’m just glad we are getting along so well. No matter what, that’s always such a good thing, you know?” And walk away. Change the subject.
Here’s something I’ve come to realize in recent days…..My H did want a divorce. I don’t doubt that anymore. I think in January and again in early April, he did. If either one of us had had the papers, it would have had happened. But I know with the help of my pretty small but very effective, well working army I hope I’m winning this war. My army consisted of my therapist, some very good friends here who understood what I wanted and never gave me crap about it (they even lit candles for me when it was soooo dark, I wanted to quit, they wouldn’t let me) and the many DBer’s I’ve met here…and of course, my copy of Divorce Remedy and How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Those have been bibles for me. I also learned a lot from Marriage Fitness, (but I agree with many here, that works better if you have both people in the marriage working on it.)
I’ve changed a lot. You will too.
I think you can save this thing, you just need to start DBing your ass off. While stressful, you learn patience and much more. It’s sort of fun when you see improvements.

[Stronger]

And another thing...you rarely hear any one say this, but like you, I'm grateful for my debt. It's one of the biggest factors why H and I still legally together.

[Dia]

I agree w/ Arwen. My Coach was awesome. I've only had one session (so far) and it made a huge difference in my outlook on things - which then made a huge difference in my ability to handle my sitch.

[ginab1966]

Last night we went to therapy and it was a very productive session. Seems as though H really felt our R changed right when we got married. I got preg. on honeymoon. AKA...no more fun, no more spontaneous moments, no more date nights. I became a momma and forgot to be a wife. I beg to differ a bit but that's a fair statement. We got home and he was a bit quiet but we had another lovely evening and I slept in his bed again. This morning was great. I was feeling a bit of a chill coming off him when we laid down to sleep and he stayed as far away from me as humanly possible. Since I am co-dependant, I read into all of that and got very moody and grumpy and was going to push that mood onto him but this morning at 4:30am I was reading DB and came to the part about not doing the ice queen thing. I didn't and he responded brilliantly. I even made him his lunch and he seemed very appreciative. (this is somethign that I used to do for him but stopped and I think he misses it)

So, my dilemma is that today he called me and said that he wants to try...really, really try (not just say he's trying and pretend to try) and he wants to talk tonight about boundries and needs/wants. How the heck do I approach this? I'm not to that part in the book yet and I'm going to be able to read it before we talk. I know at the beginning of the book it told me to list my goals for the relationship. Can that be sort of what I should talk to him about? He was asking me for a divorce 2 days ago so I really, really want to tread lightly but I also need him to understand my needs. Case in point. One of the things I need in our relationship is for us to continue counseling as a couple. I can't force him to continue individually but he does have some true issues and should continue. I would love for us to spend a date night or something like it..without D..at least once per month (we will need to work babysitting $$ in to the budget). I would like to see him be for engaged in the financial decisions in the house. ( I make them all right now and pay all the bills). I would like us to try and find an activity, fun thing to do that we both enjoy. (bowling, pool, etc) He really wants to add the fun back into our lives and so do I. It's just hard when you are so broke.

I know this could be a real make or brake conversation and I really don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't want this to end up being a blame game session or a shaming session.

I cannot even believe he's saying he wants to try. I'm so proud of him (is that condecending to say). I know what it's taking for him to reengage because I was there and if you told me he had it in him I would've never believe it. God, I really do love this man...the proof is that I loved him even when he wasn't willing to try.

what happens if he askes me to adhear to a boundry that I think is not fair? I know he's going to ask me to give up one of my friends completely and I think there may be an area for gray there. I don't think it has to be black and white. I think I need to change our friendship dynamic but not get rid of her altogether. Do I just say "hey, is a friendship worth the loss of your marriage"? or Do I say "If you agree to something that you don't want to, sooner or later you will resent him for it." Am I overanalyzing this too much? Do you all just want me to shut up and stop asking so many dang questions? LOL

Sorry...

Come on my DB'ing posse. Help a girl who's a very newbie at this. I don't want to blow it!!!

Gina B

[Stronger]

Well, he said he wants to try. He wants to lay some ground rules. Let him. Do you know how many people want to get this conversation and have their WAS start it?

Let him start the conversation. Let he say what he needs/wants. For each need/want, ask youself this: Am I willing to do this for the rest of my life?

Examples: I want to ML at least 2xs a week. Can you do that forever? Yes or no?

I want you to make dinner for me every night, promptly at 6:30pm and then you will rub my feet while I drink a glass of sangria you and squeezed all the fruit into followed by a bath where you scrub every inch of my body. Then I sleep in one bed, you sleep in another. Can you do this for the rest of your life? Yes or no?

With the friend...what are his reasons? Not taking his side, but something to think about...it's possible to have an EA with a friend and of course, it never turns into anything, but this friend could be a drain on you, if you will. And I mean to a point where you're all talked about by the time you get home to H or she's the first person you call when something great happens, etc. If that's the kind of thing he's jealous of....well, I won't blame him for that. But if he just doesn't like her hair or how she dresses or she dumped his friend, he needs to get a grip. That will be your call and tell him, if you aren't sure at the very moment, "Can I think about this one? Pls don't be mad or think I don't care because I really do, that's why I need to wrap my brain around it."

Stay calm and realize he's not insulting you....he's just telling you what he thinks he needs. I also would suggest that when you wrap it up, you tell him "I see this as a work in progress, I think we'll make some positive moves forward and we may need to reasses, but that will be a great thing I think." And that way, it's not iron clad and you can leave things open for future discussions.

Good for you Girl!

[ginab1966]

Stronger:

Thanks so much for your response. Yes, I know how lucky I am. I have to say that I'm really trying not to over react about this. I know what can still happen and I cannot believe that I've been waiting and waiting for this moment and here it is and I'm so scared that I'm going to blow it. Worse still, what if he says he's going to try and tries and then, he still ends up leaving me. EEEEK. That would be a nightmare. BUT...in the meantime, I'm going to STILL focus on me because I have really, truly seen where my issues lie and I really do need a lot of work. Work that needs to be done not for my marriage but more for myself and so I don't pass all this baggage onto my daughter like my mom did to me.

Thanks for the advice about the boundries. The sangria reference made me laugh out loud and spit water on my monitor. It's the first time I've laughed that hard in a long time. Thanks for that.

The thing with the friend..I have a side of me that is sort of a 'bad girl". He was attracted to that side of me when he met me but then grew to hate it. I'm not proud of this side of me, it's something that I've dealt with for a very long time. this friend is the one I walk on the wild side with. I'm not talking about having an affair or anything but...things are done that I am not proud of and that my husband completely disagrees with. I agree that these activities have to stop and I'm getting help with this "living on the edge" issue. However, this friend and I have a lot more substance to our relationship than what we do. I think there is a way to change the dynamic of the relationship so that we are still supportive friends but not engaging in any activity that is harmful to myself or my marriage.

So, here I go, I'm on my way home and at about 9pm we'll be in the thick of the conversation. Say a prayer for me that I don't completely blow it. I know what a gift/blessing I'm being given. I will not take it, my husband or my marriage for granted.

Thanks....Gina B

[Stronger]

Hey G
Let me ask you this...if he had a friend that made him act like an idiot, how would you feel? If she's your friend, she'll understand the distance. Maybe you can compromise with him about that and say, I'll talk to her, I'll do dinner with her but no more drinks, no more crazy.
How does she feel about him? If she likes him, and is encouraging you to work this out, tell him that.