Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

I'm not sure what to write, or where to begin. Yesterday was W's first day back from her weekend trip, and the first day we have been in the house together in a long time.

...and what a strange day it was.

A few highlights...

- the check for the lost (?) wedding ring came in last week, so TCB and as discussed with W previously, I opened a new joint savings account, filled out a deposit slip and endorsed the check. The check was made out to both of us so I left the check, the deposit slip and the envelope on the table where I could explain it all to her later. She found it and threw a small fit - would not or could not say what she wanted instead, but was definitely upset that I was taking this action.

- I received a box from Amazon in the mail, and found it (unopened) on the Dining room table. As I picked it up I noticed that W was giving me the complete cold shoulder - wouldn't even look at me or respond to a cheerful "Hi"

- W was frustrated and angry - criticizing me for messes the boys made, "The whole house is a wreck!!" (it's not) etc. She started in with "I need an au-pair"

- I noticed that W was now not wearing her engagement ring either. (It was not lost when she lost the wedding ring)

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After dinner I started the conversation with "You made some very strong and inflammatory accusations this weekend."

Summarizing:
- She backpedaled quite a bit "I never said that, etc"

- She started in again on my friend - how she thinks he is secretly gay and in love with me, etc. I responded: "Is there something I don't know that I should. Something between you and him that impacts you or our relationship? When she said "no" (with exceptions about "he's never liked me, etc"), I said "OK, then comments about his sexuality are both irrelevant and uncalled for. I don't want to hear them again."

- After this, she started in on me again "It's not him, it's you. You've changed. Nobody changes this much! It's weird! It's creepy". I asked if she wanted to know anything about any of the changes and she replied "No, it's just weird - you are reading all these self help books, and looking inside and changing, and maybe it works for you, but it's not working for me"

Then she picked up with "What did you get from Amazon today!" (explaining her earlier anger over my package). I told her (a business book). Note: I don't confront her with the books I read. I am sure she sees them, but I don't read them in front of her, don't show them to her, etc.

So, in a nutshell, the "effeminate" things she thinks are creepy are:
- being introspective
- being happier (no longer grumpy and critical)
- being more focused on the family and the kids
- trying new things
- reading R and self-help books.

She said "You just don't understand, the R is not working for me. The M can't be salvaged. etc etc"

I agreed with her, and said "You seem to have made your decision, and there is no point in just waiting around any more."

She exclaimed "I haven't made a decision!!"

I said "I noticed that now you aren't wearing your engagement ring either", to which she said "I don't want to wear just an engagement ring, I'm not engaged". I replied "You are married, but you don't want a wedding ring either" (see earlier discussions weeks ago when I asked her to replace her lost wedding ring with the $ from the insurance company and she said no). She all the sudden now said "If that's what you want, then we can go buy one"

I asked "Have you deleted OM from your facebook account?". She replied "No, I haven't had time, I don't even go on facebook...". I said "you committed to do it twice, and you have had 4 days. It only takes 30 seconds. You just don't want to."

I continued "It all points to the same direction. You have made your decision and don't want to be married. I accept that, and now we need to proceed with the dissolution of this marriage. I am going to make an appointment to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. I'll give you the contact information for the mediator, and you should call him."

She said "Can we get the $ back for this weekend thing?" (retro). I said "I don't think so, but we should probably still go. I'm not real optimistic that it can help, but if nothing else it will make the divorce go smoother." At this point she started to cry.

After a very long period of distressed silence, she got up and went outside.

I cleaned up and went to bed. I also cleared all of my junk off of the guest bed in case she wanted to sleep there. She didn't. She joined me in the master bedroom and sat in bed silently for a long time. Then she started rubbing my back - the first time in as long as I can remember that she did something like this unasked. When I didn't respond, she stopped after a while and lay down. I was calm but didn't sleep much. I don't think she slept at all.

This morning when I quietly got up early to go work out she sat up straight and asked urgently "Where are you going?" (same place I always go when I get up early - to the gym)

We haven't talked much today. I have an appointment to talk to a L at 2.