H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

I know I signed up for this but I'm just an emotional wreck. I know it’s up to me whether I allow someone to cause me pain, anxiety, stress, etc but this rollercoaster ride that I’m on with my H is making me insane. I’m trying to just “roll” with it but it’s so hard to just take it moment by moment. When he is connecting with me and acting “as if”, I’m fine. If he is cold and not connected, I feel lost. Believe me, I know this is more about me than him and I’m getting therapy and going to CODA meetings to deal with my co-dependence. It’s just that this is so new that I don’t have all the tools to deal with it effectively yet.

Last night I came home expecting to get the icy chill after our conversation about divorce yesterday. On the contrary. I came home to a welcoming hug and nice conversation. Per our therapists request, we had to have a financial “come to Jesus” talk and sit down and pay the bills together. Last night was the night that had to happen as we have therapy tonight. This has always been a turbo charged event that I avoid like the plague. I do all the finances in our family. H wants nothing to do with it but also complains that we never have money for fun stuff. BTW, that’s because we don’t have enough money period. We not only got through that event in style, he started sharing with me voluntarily about his therapy appointment and how they talked about “faking it till u make it”. It’s a 12-step term and I am very well aquainted with it. I asked if he wanted to talk about his feelings around it and he said “No”. I don’t want to talk about it. I just wanted you to know about what was going on in therapy. He ended up inviting me in to his room to watch TV and we had the best time. He was very affectionate and was obviously making an effort. Things stared to get a little “hot and heavy” and I did say to him “I am not going to be a mistress in my own home. When we can do this, and I get to stay in your bed all night and my love u’s are returned, then I will reconsider. But I cannot do this and have you reject me 5 min later. I will not be treated like that anymore. I respect myself too much for that.”. He said, then why don’t just stay here anyway and we’ll take it from there.

This morning I got up with D and H and got them out the door as usual and I actually got a hug and kiss goodby. That hasn’t happened in over 2 months. So, am I confused???? OMG, yes. I don’t know how to react and it’s so hard not to take these great moments and not blow them out of proportion. So, I’m trying to take things day by day and hope that he keeps “faking it” and that we “make it” in the end. I love this man sooo much. I realize that part of this is his mental illness and emotional baggage which he just hasn’t dealt with effectively.

For today I will try and keep things in perspective and right sized. I will try not to make more of things than they are and just take moments as they come. I promise to put myself at the top of my list and do my best not to focus on my relationship or H. If I can do this, just for today, it will be a day well spent.

Thanks for listening as always….Gina B