Listen, believe me, I know it's not easy that she is still here.
But, you have to believe me that this has to end between them through his own doing. He needs to do this on his own, in his own way.
So, stop talking about her and the going away party, if he talks to her outside of work, why does he talk to her, is he going to say goodbye to her.....you get what I mean, right?
He is telling you to stop and he is saying to himself, she is not listening to me. Its just more of the same. I know you are going to tell me that things are great, you are both more open with each other and thats great. But, on this, you are not hearing him and it is going to piss him off.
She does not matter. She is not important. YOU are.
Here's my disgusting analogy....I'm big into analogies, in case you've not noticed.
Ever go out for dinner and it doesn't sit well with you in your tummy? And as you're going home, you feel the "rumble" in your tummy and you think "Oh Crap!" And I mean "Oh Crap" literally? So you're running the yellow lights, yelling at grandma in front of you and you get to your neighborhood. You feel the relief that you're almost home, but somehow your stomach knows you're almost home and really starts to ache even more and you fear "I'm not gonna make it to the crapper!"
Of course, you always do and if you don't please don't tell me....but that is what this is like....I'm so close, my tummy ache is almost over and while my stomach knows I'm almost home, that knowledge somehow makes it worse.
You're lucky I haven't pulled that 2X4 out of my own butt!
I know, you are right. I just need it all to end.
Basically we are in the process where I think he's mourning a little bit. I think he's thinking about how much his life is going to change once she's gone and he won't see her everyday. He still speaks poorly of her but says they'll still be friends. I know better. She's the kind of person who uses folks to get what she can and she moves on. For example, once it became apparent that despite his close relationship with bosses, he could not get her back on TV, she pretty much was done with him.
I think he's having a hard time accepting he was not as much as he thought he was to her, that he was used. I know it's a pride thing and I know he feels stupid. But cruel as it is, that's not my problem. He needed to learn. And it was a humbling learning experience and he has a HUGE ego.
But I also think that while there is sadness it's all ending, I think there's more happiness about it too. It's a chapter he can officially close.
This weekend he set it up so his work kick ball team came to hang out with mine after the tournament. I thought that was pretty big. He showed me a text one of them sent him after ward...."X and I love W! She picked up our tab! And she's so tiny and beautiful!" Nice, butt kissy however, that text means I accomplished and met my goal. H likes when I get along with his co-workers, which is weird because I used to work there too and would get along with these people just fine if he would bring me around them more or vice versa. Do I want to hang out with them all the time? No. But he knows that and is ok with it.
Anyways, now I'm rambling.
I told him that I want to be in an exclusive dating relationship with him. I completely except that's where we are but I want it to be exclusive. He said "maybe". Are you kidding me? I can MAYBE be in an exclusive dating relationship with my HUSBAND? Seriously?
I let it go with the explanation to myself that I can't 'suggest' or 'tell' him what to do right now when it comes to certain things and this is one of them apparently. Punk. He's lucky I still love his dumb ass.
I just saw your reply to my keg stands on Steve's thread! Ha! I'm SURE I'm on some 18-year old's Facebook somewhere! Niiiiiice! Nothin' like having your name chanted while upside down drowning in beer.
LOL
And, I wonder why D18 is a bit of a challenge? (shock!)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
It sucks the big fat one. But we are having more fun now. And it's just a matter of time. He said he wishes he could go back a year and relive this past one again. I asked what he would do differently....he looked at me like I am the crazy one and said "You know damn well what I would do differently." I left it alone, but seriously, I don't know. I HOPE he wouldn't take up with hussy again, but I really honestly don't know.
Yeah, he does need to mourn, but I think maybe lick his wounds is a better description. She made him look stooooopid and he knows it, but can't admit it. There was fall out after she got engaged and he SWEARS it had nothing to do with her engagement....that he was sad about us. I think there's some truth to that, but come on buddy....I'm no Harvard law graduate, but I did get into college, a pretty good one too.
Well, one day at a time. And I am looking forward to a new chapter for us. I haven't decided what to call this one yet.
Here's my day....my H wants to hang out with ex OW as she is soon leaving town. She will be gone one week from this Friday.
It bugs me to no end but I have to deal with it as best I can, which is a struggle to put it mildly.
So, I made it clear, you go out with her alone, you're stepping across a line that just hurts too bad for me. You go out with her and some other work folks, I'll deal with it. And if you do plan to go out with her I want to know and I would like if you would come home to us. (Which he agreed to a few weeks ago when I knew the going away party was coming and I really wanted to say DON'T GO AT ALL!!)
He was all pissy about it, called me controlling and at first I said it's about my comfort and then another DBer gave me better....It's a trust issue. I can't stop him from going out with her. I accept this painfully, but I do. I can ask him to not go out with her alone with an explanation of how this hurts me and him coming home to me, means he's not with her and again, builds some trust for me. (When I asked him to come home to me because I then know he's not going home with her he said "I've never gone home with her, why would that start now?" I would still like him next to me.)
So I've set my boundaries and tried to be fair at the same time. Not sure I succeeded, but we'll see. I told him honestly, I just want you to not be in a position where you are going to do something with her physically. I know I could have had a BIG stink about him hanging out with her at all, but for me and our situation, it felt wrong to do that.
But I too have that oggly moogly feeling in my gut.
The last thing he said when we spoke last is that I have made it so he wouldn't enjoy himself anyways. I was thinking "GREAT MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!" But said nothing. And he added at this point I have no plans to do anything with anyone. He said he would tell me if that changes.
AAAARRRRGGGGGGGGG.
I was going to let it all go and not react. I guys, I know that's what some of you are going to say I should have done. Well, tough. I have feelings about this that I'm not going to sit on and let fester until I punch him in his sleep. This is how I feel. He wants to be with me, he'll respect it. If he possibly wants to give up making love to me for the rest of his life to hang out with her alone for a few hours....not to brag, but that's a horrible decision.
