Cookout went well enough, but I had a tougher day in general than I was expecting.
With her putting her rings away for good, and then before the cookout telling me that SS18 has moved into his dad's house and changed his mailing address. (W is currently staying in what was his room, and he has started clearing out his stuff to empty it.) And her new bins in our room to start packing her stuff away.
I kept my PMA for the cookout, but it was short, her friends came over with there younger kids, so I wound up kind of baby sitting our dog, who is rather rambunctious and the little boys that were over are afraid of dogs. I took the dog for a walk after a bit, to try and settle her down and tire her out, and W could hang with her friends a bit.
I did the grilling for the people that were over, paid for the food W cooked, did all the dishes and cleaned up when everyone was done. W pretty much ignored me all day and I didn't let it bother me. She gave me a brief "thanks for watching the dog while everyone was over" and went to watching TV for the rest of the night, so I made sure d8 took a shower and put her to bed and read a quick story.
After, I was just really somber, not depressed, but just what the heck is the point at this point. W says and thinks I am her main block for happiness, prosperity, and a great life, and I have always hated my SS's and treated them like crap, that I am abusive to everyone and always will be. (Note, she wasn't saying this last night, but has numerous times in the past few months.)
I spent the evening in my room just reflecting on all this, as I didn't want to be around her. I was not depressed, just looking back at everything and wondering what is going to be best for me. I just don't know. I look at my d8 and so want to work out my M.
Sorry, probably sounds like I am whining, but I am not, just reflecting my thoughts, and trying to decide what is right for me.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Well, just going to bed tonight, for the last couple of days I have not even wanted to be near my W.
Not disgusted or sad or angry, just don't even want to be near her. I just looked at her sitting on the couch watching TV and wanted to be upstairs by myself instead.
Seems kind of odd that I feel that way...
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
She's been going to psychics and going heavy into 'The Secret' and the "Law of Attraction" and such, which is fine by me, having a good positive outlook and attitude is important about everything, financial and otherwise, and I am all for that. It also requires action at some point, in my mind, but she is not of that notion, and feels that things will just come to her when the time is right. That's her right, and I wish her the best.
However, last night, I guess she played the lottery, and had my d8 convinced they were going to win, so much so that d8 could not fall asleep as she was so excited about having money, and was building lists of things she was going to buy and do today as soon as they won.
The look in my d8's eyes was intense, and if they don't win, I hope she is not too hurt, putting so much faith into a lottery!
Nothing I can do about is, so just venting a bit, she'll be fine I am sure, just don't want disappointment like that all the time when they don't get what they are wishing for.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I just booked a sky diving jump for next week, and I can not wait!
It's something I have always wanted to do, and I am going by myself to do it. (Something else I want to work on...)
Not much new on my Sitch, I only briefly talked with W last night while I ate dinner, and I just couldn't find that I actually wanted to talk to her or be around her again last night, so I went upstairs and did some work on the computer and watched a bit of tv before dropping off to sleep.
Was noting it, as I didn't seem to have that 'attachment' thread between us, and I think that is currently a good thing.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Not only that, from the 30th to the 6th of next month with a coworker, I am going to the Netherlands for work. Plane flights cost better by going back on Sunday the 6th, so the last two days of the trip we are staying directly in Amsterdam for some R&R.
How cool is that! Can't wait to check out that place!
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
