I’ve posted a few times, but never went into much detail about my situation. Married 4 yrs, W has 2 daughters from first marriage and I have a daughter from my first. W had threatened D a couple of times over the past 2 yrs, but in the next day or two it had blown over. That was always her solution when she got upset about something. About 2 months ago she told me she wanted a D and would be moving out ASAP, which is happening on 8/29.
Just a little history. I began to notice shortly after we got married that my W never seemed…I don’t want to say happy…satisfied with the life we had or more so her life in general. She always seemed to be searching for something to make her feel fulfilled, something that was missing. My W didn’t have a great childhood. She had an alcoholic father, a physically abusive brother and a mother, a wonderful woman, with crippling arthritis who was in constant pain. W got pregnant at 22 and married the man she was dating. They had a second child but got D after 7 yrs. W says she never loved him like a H and I believe her. He’s a good guy, but not at all her type. After that W had a 7 yr R with another guy who was loaded and gave her everything she could want, but for whatever reason that didn’t work out. We met about 2 yrs later and shortly after we started dating I found out she had filed for bankruptcy. She had gotten herself $28k in debt, but surprisingly had nothing to show for it. She had several jobs, but never a career, never made more than $30k. In fact since we’ve been married, she’s had 6 jobs. There were several $$$ related issues in our marriage…mostly her wanting things we couldn’t afford, things she felt she was entitled to…and doing whatever she had to get them. I can give details but not now. My W is a great person, but can be quite selfish at times and it’s “all about her” a little more often than it should be when you’re married with children.
When she dropped the “bomb” (I shouldn’t say the bomb because I wasn’t completely surprised), she told me she wasn’t happy and felt this hole or emptiness inside she hasn’t been able to fill. In fact she even showed me a passage from a book she was reading that said exactly that. Looking at her history, I can see the pattern of trying to fill that emptiness with various things that didn’t work. Perhaps I was just the last of them. She said that I’m a great guy and I’ve been a good H and stepfather. She never gave me the ILYBINILWY line, but has said things like we should have dated longer, we would have been better off as friends, she wasn’t ready to get married when we did…yada, yada, yada. She hasn’t shown any emotional ups and downs, has expressed no second thoughts or doubts, is very business like about this. That leads me believe she is truly done.
Anyway, I did everything I could for this woman to give her the best life I could. I supported her and her children, gave them a good home, cooked, handled the finances (due to her past history with $$$) and most other household responsibilities (mostly due to our schedules). I was dependable as they come, a dedicated family man and completely devoted to her. I did these things lovingly and selflessly. I not having a pity party for myself, just want to clarify that I was not a “deadbeat” spouse. I am far from perfect though. I am a neat freak and have a tendency to be self righteous and get upset about trivial things. As I said, I’m not perfect, but I will not use that as an excuse.
For the first couple of weeks after the bomb, I was not doing well emotionally and it showed. Although I never begged or pleaded with her for another chance, I did play the guilt trip a couple of times. Once I collected myself and got my emotions in check, I began working on making changes I thought were necessary. I stopped the self righteous act, haven’t gotten upset about anything and have been quite even keeled in spite of everything. Whether my W noticed or not, I don’t care. These changes were for me, my daughter and my own peace of mind. I’ve spent most of my time GAL and doing 180’s. I started reading books, which I never did, bike riding a lot, catching up with friends I haven’t seen much of lately and doing things with my daughter and stepdaughters. I’ve been friendly with my W, but more like a neighbor or a roommate. I stay out of her business, don’t ask questions and try to have a PMA…acting “as if”. I guess you could say I’m in pre-LRT mode at this point, just trying to detach, but in a loving way.
My W hasn’t really taken any steps with the D. She printed out some “sample” forms 6 weeks ago and gave copies to me. By sample, I mean they had the word “sample “ superimposed on them. They weren’t even viable copies. I did nothing with them. She brought them up to me again 2 weeks ago. Wanting not to appear to be stalling, I looked them over, printed out actual legal copies and completed as much as I could. I told her this and they’ve been sitting in a folder on my dresser since. I know I shouldn’t have taken the initiative to do that, but I did and there’s nothing I can do about it now. At least she can’t accuse me of stalling. At this point the next step is hers. Our D will be pretty straight forward, uncontested and nothing to split up.
Unlike many of those posting here, I’m looking forward to my W leaving in less than 2 weeks. I know that’s contrary to how most people on this site feel. In many cases, the LBS’s…especially the ones who were deadbeats or took there WAS’s for granted…need their WAS’s around to see the changes they are making. In my case, I think we need to be away from each other. I need it to begin moving forward with my life and I think she needs to be away from me to begin to process her decision once I’m no longer in the equation…no longer part of the problem. If I or our marriage was the problem, she’ll know that soon enough. If not, maybe she’ll re-evalute her decision. In the mean time I’ll begin moving forward with my life as if our M is over, while not closing the door on it.
Here’s are my issues at this point. Do I help her with anything regarding her move? While I won’t be home the day she actually moves, I wonder if I should get away for a day or two before to “get out of her hair” as she and her D16 pack. I’m not sure I can be there w/o breaking down and I don’t want her to see that. The other issue is how do I handle contact from her once she moves, especially if it’s her wanting me to do something for her or her D16? She has always depended on me to do anything she needed me to and I don’t want to feel used or taken advantage of. How do I handle contact from her if it’s just a “how are you” kind of call or email?
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
oh ...how I feel from reading this that your's and my shoes are very nearly interchangeable ....or if not your's and mine more likely the shoes of your sweetie and mine.
in particular, as I was reading I sensed it was almost like it was me doing the typing on a huge chunk of the beginning up to a certain point ...
ran into technical difficulties on the more part bill. very infuriating after spending ~ :20 or so typing up a mess of stuff to send your way...only to watch it go bye bye in the blink of an eye with one ham handed inadvertent fat and clumsy fingered key stroke.
C'est la vie.
anyway ...i still have not recovered from the tizzy that it put me into ...and i won't chance fate once more to do as I did then and type a lengthy cut and paste of a bunch of stuff that I really could relate to ohhh so well in what you typed.
Suffice it to say that what was going to be contained in the intended post which wound up getting set adrift into the cyber sea as a "message in a bottle" .....As I read through the first three paragraphs of your recapper post I just found myself doing a whole lot of head nodding and very definetely relating to.
And the real thing to note that I set aside to itself for emphasis was in the last sentence of the third paragraph where you noted that it really seems like she is immovable/implaccable in her mindset of being done for good because it is in keeping with the headstrongness or 'once I have crossed over this juncture I don't recross back' -- ed-ness
Let me just tell you that when it comes to that idea of thinking that you can read the tea-leaves and combine it with the type of woman that your W is to ascertain that it pretty well isn't worth it to fight for your M. I would STRONGLY caution you to not travel that path. I absolutely with out question had the same thinking with my darling and for the same reasons. They might SEEM LIKE valid reasons for throwing in the towel. They are not valid reasons for it.
The Lord has put me in my place on this and a whole host of other things. I pray He does the same for you if it be neccesary.
well that was the synopsis of what I had tried earlier. kinda like that Abe Lincoln billboard that is in a bunch of places ...tried this, failed ..tried that, failed ...tried again & again & again and finally a breakthrough ..President of the USA.
Thanks for encouragement Tomato! Not throwing in the towel, just pointing out that from what I've read, many WAS's seem to have mood swings and waffle back and forth alot. Not mine from what she's said and what I've seen (or what she's let me see)...but who knows what's really going on inside her pretty little head. She isn't exactly breaking the speed of light with moving out or with the D. She hasn't had time away from me for all of this to sink in. She needs that time as do I.
Any thoughts on how to handle contact from her after she leaves, especially if she needs a favor or advise on some household related issue?
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
I've decided rather than get out of the house for a couple of days while my W packs (which to me conveys weakness), I'm going to help her and her D16 in any way I can. She seems to think (or wants to believe) I'm having a hard time with her moving out, but I'm not. I really am looking forward to it and maybe this will help her see that I'm fine with or without her.
Me45 (D11 from 1st marriage) W43 (D20 & D16 from 1st marriage) M4 Bomb 6/16/09 W wants D W moved out 8/29/09 I sent her D paperwork 9/25/09...I'm done
