UPSIDE DOWN and struggling badly.

[JCJ]

Hi Eskimo Nell

It is so awful when the rug is pulled from under us like that. Have you read Divorce Remedy? The first step is to do that. The second step is to define what you want, in my post I am going to assume that as you are here it is to reconcile your marriage. Thirdly you are going to have to realise that your instincts will not generally serve you well at this time. I followed my instincts and the well-meaning advice of friends and family for 6 months and it drove my husband further and further away. Divorce busting is counter-intuitive but it gets results. Listen to the advice on here, the posters are very wise and you will find lots of support at this difficult time.

Now to address your post directly.

Divorce busting is about doing more of what works and stopping what doesn't. At first our instinct is to pursue and to try and talk to our spouses. It does not work and it makes them run further away from you.

I have struggled quite badly with the whole process, whilst H has taken to it like a duck to water... H says that I have stopped him from making friends... Struggling at work, it was a joint decision that I give up my job back last February... The result of this is that I now have no financial independence and have become entirely reliant upon WAH for every cent.

It sounds like you are quite dependent on your h. Look at what would be a 180 here (a 180 is to do the opposite of what you are doing now). It will help take the pressure off your h.

I have tried everything to get him to open up to me – including explaining, shouting, threatening and finally telling him that I would walk if he did not come to the party and tell me what the issue was.

I can tell you now that these things you have been trying to will not get him to talk to you. You cannot force someone to talk to you and the more you try the more they will clam up. This requires patience. He will talk to you when he is ready, probably when some of the anger and resentment he is showing you calms down, which it will, in time...

However, it seems that things for WAH were much worse and he seems to have been coming to crisis point without having said a word to me.

You are not alone in this. Many of us here experienced the same. That is why it is referred to here as the 'bomb' - dropping a bombshell.

H had planned a weekend away – turns out that he was going to see the ‘work colleague’ with whom he had been confiding in for the past few months

Keep an eye on this relationship. It is a red flag. This does not mean obsess, you will get more advice on how to deal with this from other posters I am sure.

instead. It took him about three weeks to acknowledge that it was a selfish act and that he should not have done so

At this time your husband will be acting in a selfish manner with little consideration to you. There is little you can do about this at the moment other than looking at boundaries of what you will and won't accept. I would say, don't pick on everything with him; let some things go but if it is a major issue set some boundaries with actions rather than words. A very wise poster said to me once 'would you rather be right, or happy?'

that. He has hung up the phone on me, ignored emails and generally made me feel like the most worthless creature crawling this earth if I say one word that he doesn’t like, or he feels offe

So have you been calling/ texting/ emailing on a regular basis? It hasn't been working so stop.

week. He came to see me on Friday to discuss ‘practicalities’ and he seemed quite at home and almost sad when it was time for him to leave. He was curled up on the couch the whole time that we were talking and he appeared to be more receptive to our conversation than he had previously

Did you do anything differently here to make him feel relaxed? As he relaxed did you?
However you then followed it up with pressure. If you see responsive behaviour like this again resist the urge to have a relationship talk. It is like you are trying to coax a timid animal. If they made a step towards you, you wouldn't pounce would you? You would carry on coaxing.

Well done on taking responsibility for the house stuff! That is great

He is upping the pressure on the financial side all of the time but as I am not working, how can he expect me to contribute? I have tried for dozens and dozens of jobs in my professional capacity but am getting nowhere fast – he feels that it would be OK for me to get any job – whatever it is, no matter how much that may offend me professionally

Without wanting to step on your toes here, it might be that you may have to. It is another thing for your h to resent you for and it will help you to meet new people in Australia and build up a social circle. I go back to the question, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

. Other people’s WAS appear to give them time to talk – despite their situation. Why won’t my H do the same?

My h has had one conversation with me about why he left and that was to tell me he didn't know why. A lot of the WAS's do not talk, especially the WAH. I have learnt that it is counter-productive to make them. After a while you will not need to talk, especially when things start getting better between you. Just hold off on that talk for now.

I’m struggling to sort out my DB’ing techniques and I am on day two of my 180 in not contacting him … it’s killing me. I have been trying to do some useful stuff for myself, like going to the optometrist and getting a mammogram (!!) and have even set up some counselling for myself, starting tomorrow

That is so great you are taking these steps. When I wasn't up for socialising I used to go to a movie on my own, it took my mind off the sitch for a few hours. I joined a choir in the evenings and slowly weaned my way back into civilisation. Sometimes, as Michele W-D says, you have to 'just do it'.

The very latest is that WAH is threatening me with putting the house on the market, which he can’t as I would have to agree. Instead, he’s threatening not to pay the mortgage in September and so the bank will end up repossessing - we both stand to lose everything that we have worked for over the past 20+ years. It’s pure blackmail

I don't want to push it, but he may renege on this if you started bringing in an income. It may slow proceedings. What do you think?

My telephone coach told me that the first step in reconcilliation is to reduce negative feelings towards you. What can you do/ change to reduce his negative feelings?

((((Eskimo Nell))) --- this is a hug! I know it seems impossible now but you will get through this. You will find lots of support here.