Found a porn site on our PC yesterday evening. Asked H immediately as I wanted to eliminate him as a possibility(well, I wouldn`t blame the guy either, as he`s in a self imposed desert for the past year...). And, anyway, as absentee Dad its important to keep him abreast of the up and coming teen issues.
H and I came to the conclusion that DS14 was the culprit. H`s solution? We both talk to him together. And tell him all about us while we`re at it!
Duh!
I`m no further on in getting through to H that we have to have a separation plan sorted before landing the kids in it.And of course, it would be far too much overload on DS14. I shot down that idea and then the convo began re separation.
Well, at least this convo was the most relaxed and forthright one we`ve had in a looonnng time. No temper outbursts, I`m so genuinely calm I start to munch chips in the middle of it. We even actually laughed together at one (brief!) point. I kept the DB mantras of listen and validate in my head. I agreed wholeheartedly when H pointed out all my failings.
He`s was very keen to sort out the terms of the separation then and there.He has a notion of renting near by first and over the years moving down to his homeplace. i listened but didn`t agree to any of his terms-kids 50/50, family home being sold, separation being a mutually agreed decision. I said the solicitors would sort out the terms of separation but said that we owed it to our kids and to our marriage to try couples therapy first. I said I was glad he had made a decision as I knew how difficult he found decision making.
Somehow the convo led on to how hard life is for H. He said the big pity of it all was that I was looking so well, he loved my new clothes, shoes, the way I looked. And why did that have to happen too late? I told him it wasn`t too late for me. While I had hope for the marriage I was also willing to move on to another life.
He said how did I think he`d feel when I would have another partner? I just acknowledged that yes, that would be difficult for him but while I intend seeing other guys as soon as we separate I wouldn`t be introducing another man into the children`s lives that quickly. (Letting him know I won`t hang around for him)
He said he found change so difficult. I said I knew that and reminded him of the time he`d to move 200 yards to another house when he was single and he just was so upset about that.(Reminding him of our shared history)
I let it slip that I was in a lingerie shop that day. Just dropped it in as an aside to another story. H just blanched. Lingerie, eh? And why would I not have bothered with that a few years ago.
That led on to talk about our intimacy problems. That concluded with H expressing a wish to see me using my new vibrator...I smiled but didn`t comply of course.
He told me about all his current health problems. Has HBP but is refusing to take medication for it. Can`t sleep more than six hours a night.People commenting on his weight loss.Work not going well. His mother annoyed with him. Avoiding people.
I did get a chance to mention about how much calmer he`d been in the past couple of days and to point out how his anger dips and escalates.(just letting him know how well I know him and hoping he`ll find a trigger for his moods)
He said therapy was obviously doing me a lot of good but that how could that change us. I didn`t point out the obvious but did say yeah, I`m calmer, having fun and enjoying life despite the pain.
I also told him I`m getting a dog for the children(But you hate dogs he said) Yeah, another 180 I thought I`d throw out to him. He loves dogs and a dog just might be the thing to swing this one.
The meeting was long-maybe an hour or so. And inconclusive. No further on mediation/separation. But a lot further on decent convo.
H not in good form this am but hey, who knows where this might go.
