I can't agree with you more I am bit of a water fowl myself.Peace and quiet is what we all need at these times.security is also a big plus.good luck in whatever you chose.and always lead.
Good Bless
H 49 W 42 S 19 S 14 S 12 S 8 D 6 M 19 Bomb dropped 2/09 Separated 5/09 still hopeful, praying
Just wondering how you are going looking for accommodation? It’s best if you find something for you and D.
Have you worked out a weekly budget yet?
S is coming down on the 28th and will stay until the 1st.
We need to make sure all credit cards are paid out and closed, I don’t want anymore debt from these."
hasn't addressed me by any name for months - now this.
How do I reply to this, I am running blind on this at the moment, have ordered by DR book but that won't arrive for a week. Don't want to get the reply wrong.
Oz, Don't be in any hurry to respond--makes you seem needy and desperate. Don't ignore him to the point of being difficult, but you want to take the approach that you are just so busy with your own GAL activities that responding to him is just one of many items on your long list of things-to-do.
As for the issues he brought up, deal with them as though he were strictly a business partner, no emotion involved. Be brief but not brusque. Be kind and polite, but not accommodating to the point that it causes difficulty for you. As for what decisions to make about the issues...just figure out what's best for YOU in each case, without being mean or vindictive about it. Try to avoid having any hidden agenda leak into your responses...for example, if you were to say, "I don't want to pay off credit cards from our joint account because YOU were the one running them up." Bad idea.
Don't let him get under your skin or pick a fight with you, and don't agree to arrangements that are unfair to you. Be clear, but take out the emotion, like you were making business arrangements with a banker...you don't need to give the gory details of your thinking and feeling behind what you decide is best to do.
If it becomes necessary, you can insist on a time-out for things to cool off. I hope this doesn't ever become necessary for you, but one of the posters on the MLC forum has been talking lately about how when her H starts ranting at her and using abusive language at a time when she is not physically in a position to simply say, "This is not acceptable," and walk away or hang up...she tells him calmly that she will not listen if he talks to her like that, and if he keeps it up, she sticks her fingers in her ears until he stops!
Don't read too much into his calling you by name once. Sometimes they sort of "forget" that you are the enemy, but it's temporary. If calling you by name becomes a trend, it _might_ be significant. Look at patterns, remember? That's when you can call it a baby step.
And if right now you are a little horrified at how long it is apparently going to take just to get to "baby step" level...welcome to the reality of DB. It really bites, but you are either going to discover patience like you never knew existed, or you are going to bail out. I was just explaining on another thread tonight that if Hearts Blessing's MLC rule of thumb holds true for my sitch--namely, that the bomb usually happens about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way through MLC--then although I have already been dealing with this full-blown for 2 years, I will probably have another 2 to 6 YEARS before my H comes out of MLC. That's why I have saddled up for the long ride. Will you decide that no matter what, you will take what's thrown at you and keep on ducking and dodging and praying and working for reconciliation? Or will you give up? Only you can decide.
The good news is that you don't have to decide or deal with everything right now. Just take it one day at a time. If necessary, take it one minute at a time. That's all you have to do right now.
Oh, and you can feel safe following advice in DB if you have read that, even before DR arrives. It's just that DR has a bit more detail to offer people in our sitch.
Hope that helps!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Thank you so much Dawn, I just posted in your thread to ask if you could come over and take a look.
I just feel that he is throwing everything at me at once and I just can't deal with any more at the moment, my emotions are still so raw and exposed. I am trying to do one thing at a time, but he seems to be wanting everything now and the worst bit is, he is doing absolutely nothing to help, not even helping with packing up the house and he acts like nothing is wrong like he is the good guy.
Funny, when you talked about the bomb coming about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way through, I was only thinking that H got his first jet ski 3 years ago, decision suddenly out of the blue, he had never been interested in boats or anything like that before. It was to be for the "family", about a year after that, suddenly the family weren't being included as much and well the rest is history, it began to consume him bit by bit until we are where we are now.
I feel really down now, I guess that is the rollercoaster ride I am on now until such time as I decide to either get off or keep going. At this point I desperately want to keep going and tell myself it will get worse before it gets better.
Oz, just take it one bit at a time, making the bits as small as you need to. The first few months are the hardest, and the emotions will come in waves, so you will be doing okay and then something will hit you and you will start to sink. If you feel really overwhelmed, just focus on your breathing. It is a yoga technique for calming and centering (if you can get into a yoga class, it can really help you deal with things and feel better...I've been studying yoga for 15 years and have taught a little).
If you can scrape together the funds, I can highly recommend getting a DB coach--more than one session if you can afford it. You will not believe how much they can help you calm down, see more clearly, and plan ahead. I had six sessions with Jody, myself, and it's some of the best money I ever spent. Everyone I have heard talk about their experience with the DB coaches has been totally positive. I always feel a little funny, sounding like a walking ad for them, but I really believe that was a big factor in getting me through the period when all I wanted was to escape from my sitch by killing myself. Well, sometimes I wanted to kill him instead, and OW too, and figured it would be worth spending the rest of my life in prison. But I eventually came to my senses about that.
Just take things at your own pace. Postpone/delegate as much as you can if you need to. Be kind and polite to the extent possible, but it is not your responsibility to clean up the messes he has created, and don't let him get away with trying to make you do so. Check the Resource threads, they have great advice on generalities and specifics of how to help yourself get through each day and deal with it all.
Originally Posted By: girlfromoz
he acts like nothing is wrong like he is the good guy.
They all do that. WAS's, especially if they are in MLC, generally believe they can do no wrong...it must be all your fault, because they are perfect! He is nowhere near ready to accept his responsibility for the mess he has created--it generally takes years. He's like a kid who just broke a window but is insisting, "She did it!" Just on a lot larger scale.
Hope that helps some. Be kind to yourself!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I have enquired about the DB coaching, bought a phone card and am going to try and set up a session Friday night. He isn't coming home Friday, he is spending a weekend with the "boys" also just found out he is planning a jet ski weekend away in September with his mates, that hurt.
Will think about the yoga, I think I definitely need to do something like that.
The whole thing feels like a nightmare at the moment and I just want to wake up and everything will be normal, but I know it won't.
Will try to take one day at a time, if I didn't have here to come though I don't know what I would do, I find it such a relief to just let go here as no one minds.
I also feel waves of rage towards H in me at the moment along with hate because of his lack of concern and his I haven't done anything attitude but then the waves of love still wash over me, maybe the yoga will help me with this as well.
I have not shown any of the emotions to him but they scream inside my head.
I cling to the hope that it will get better in time.
Sorry I didn't reply earlier, thank you for your good wishes, I need all the good wishes I can get at the moment. Looking forward to the day when it starts to get a bit easier.
