Hey, Mach! It is so kind of you to stop in and inquire about me; thank you! Yes, 2 a.m. is "the shank of the evening," as my brother says (I come from a whole family of incurable night owls!).
I'm doing okay. A work in progress, just like everyone else here. I'm starting to attract some positive attention for my work on a national level, which is very exciting for me. My field is quite small as an actual profession even though a lot of people play around with it (I'll bet everyone knows a dozen people who have amused themselves with trying calligraphy). So the competition isn't nearly as fierce as in a lot of fields, so the ladder to the top is a lot shorter and less crowded. Also, we professional calligraphers mostly know each other and are courteous and helpful to each other, which is wonderful.
My big issue right now is turning all this into cold cash. I find it profoundly embarrassing that I have been in business for over 15 years, considering it my full-time job, and yet have never had more than poverty-level income to show for it, even though my prices are at the top of the range for my area (which is a lot less than in other areas, which helps a lot now that my client base is expanding a lot geographically). I do totally feel that my skills justify that...even my H, in all his MLC glory, has consistently maintained the position that I am better at calligraphy than _anyone_ he knows is at _anything_ whatsoever.
It's the business side of things that knocks me for a loop--I have no background in marketing or strategic planning or any of that businessy stuff...my degree is in math (not accounting...my studies focused on the more theoretical stuff). I always used to say that if you could figure it out with a calculator, you didn't need me, because I only do higher math!
I digress. Where was I? Oh yes...I really need to do some major restructuring of my business, and am listening to a lot of teleseminars and checking out other programs to try to figure out what to do. I think the key for me right now is to turn my attention from learning to actually _doing_...uncertain as I may be about what direction to go. I get "analysis paralysis" at the drop of a hat and end up stuck there. It's time to break the inertia and safety of just learning, and step off the ledge.
Something interesting happened to me this morning. I was wandering about quite early, shortly after sunrise, in a sleep-deprived state. I looked into my backyard and saw, standing at the edge of my screwed-up pool...a pigeon. Those of you who live in major urban areas are going to wonder what the big deal is here, so let me explain. We have pigeons in this area, mostly in the city and near the bridges, but in 17 years I've never seen one anywhere near my house (I live in the suburbs). And to my memory, I've NEVER seen a white one. This one was pure, snowy white. It was alternately grooming itself and sitting still, looking around. I watched it for quite a while, blinking at it from my total brain fog. It was still there when I finally headed off for some sleep.
Later, when I was more awake, it hit me: I had been visited by a white dove. A white dove! Something I can't remember ever seeing before. All I could do was to thank God for showing me that sign, that encouragement. I don't even know how to express how much it meant to me. I don't get signs from God very often at all, but I've had two of them in the last week or so. I am so very grateful to feel that God is looking out for me.
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I love your story about the white dove!! As I was reading it, I was thinking "That ain't no pigeon, Dawn!" That is so cool!
You really sound like you are doing well, Dawn. I know the struggle of "stepping off the cliff" when you suffer from depression, especially going cold turkey on the meds. My hat's off to ya', girl! You're a strong lady!
((((hugs))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
I love your story about the white dove!! As I was reading it, I was thinking "That ain't no pigeon, Dawn!" That is so cool!
Okay, SC, you just made me laugh! I thought it was pretty cool too!
Originally Posted By: Silent Chrleader
You really sound like you are doing well, Dawn. I know the struggle of "stepping off the cliff" when you suffer from depression, especially going cold turkey on the meds. My hat's off to ya', girl! You're a strong lady!
Thanks, SC, I appreciate it! These days I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do the right thing, not dramatically happy or sad. I am fighting the inertia, the rut I'm in. So far haven't really broken out of it, but I keep fighting.
I haven't mentioned that this week I got an email that surprised me. It was from H's favorite cousin (he comes from a large, fairly close-knit family, so there are a whole lot of cousins). She's a little older than I am, never M, and while I wouldn't say we are close buddies, I like her and she has always been kind and welcoming to me. She told me she had just heard about the sitch with H and me via a mutual acquaintance (not a family member). I had heard about this discussion from the acquaintance at the time but didn't think I would hear from anyone in the family as a result. The family members the acquaintance was talking to were reportedly completely shocked and had heard nothing about it (no big surprise; I don't think H likes to tell people what he is up to in this regard).
Anyway, she told me she was sorry to hear about the split, and wanted to let me know that there were people in the family who still cared about me and considered me to be family, and she mentioned that she is still in touch with her former sister-in-law, who D her brother over 25 years ago. I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised, considering that this cousin's mother still gets invited to and attends all of the family gatherings, even though she and her H (my FIL's brother) D about 20 years ago, and he remarried and then died about 10 years ago...and she and her X's second W even used to hang out together some! So there is a history of connection even after D in that family.
Anyway, I was really touched that she would reach out to me like that, given that nobody else in the family, not even my SIL, who went through this with her first H (she finally D him after 18 years of his lies and cheating), has ever contacted me since H left. So this is the first time in over a year that I've been in touch with anyone in the family I've been part of for 17 years. Her message meant a lot to me. I spent quite a lot of time crafting my response, to make sure nothing I said would come back to bite me later. I thanked her and told her that I really appreciated the sentiments, and didn't say anything specific about our sitch except that I was praying for reconciliation...oh, I might have mentioned that there have been no legal proceedings; don't quite remember. Talked a little about my business, which she has expressed interest in. Didn't say anything else about H.
It's a little weird, as probably we will be a topic of gossip in the family now that the cat is out of the bag, but I am not worried...I haven't done anything I'm ashamed of, and I believe that the truth will come out in the end, even if H is trying to twist it. It's just sort of a weird feeling.
Time for me to stop hunching over the computer and do something USEFUL!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
That's wonderful that your H's family is still that way! My H's family has been supportive of me too, but that is not to say they are "on my side". They love H, and just want him to be happy (as do I) and they want the same for me. Because my brother and H's brother were best friends in High school, I have a long history with this people and I will always consider them family, and I am glad they seem to feel the same with me.
On the other side of the coin, my family has also not ostracized H, and H has continued to be connected with them. My step-dad works for H, and now H has offered by brother a job. Also, there have been occaisions where H will still call my Mom to ask for this or that errand. I have in the past truth to tell has some resentful feelings about this. Sorta wanted them to just tell him he was an a**hole for hurting me so. But, now I am really thankful for the continued support our respective families have given both of us.
Take care, ((((((Dawn))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
SC and Maria, thanks so much for your encouragement! Especially Maria; you are so strong to be posting to other people despite the horrible stuff you are going through right now! Hugs!!
I love that, "when you have money, you deal with everything much much easier..." and would love to find that out for myself! I've never thought of myself as poor, but I've never felt rich, either...at least not in money. A lot of the teleseminars I've been listening to lately have to do with various aspects of making money, both on a mental/emotional level and on a practical/logistics level. I've gotten to the point of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed, so I feel stuck, not knowing what to do next, so I just keep signing up for more teleseminars because that's the rut I'm in! See, I told you my big problem now is actually taking action!
SC, good that you still have that support from your H's family. Take note, this cousin is the only one who has even contacted me from H's family, much less given any verbal or practical support, so I am not holding my breath for the rest, especially H's immediate family. I don't know what H has told them about me or our sitch (he did claim that he had told his father "everything" [riiiiight!], and I told his sister myself), but the fact is that none of them ever truly warmed up to me (which I suppose is partially my fault), so it's not like I expect them to suddenly think I'm great despite whatever H is saying about me. Not that I really spend a lot of time on it, but it still hurts a little.
Last night I dreamed that I saw my FIL's phone list (everyone has one of those, right? List on the wall of frequently called numbers, emergency numbers, and such). And I saw on the list "(H's name) & (OW's name)" like they were living together or M. That was a bit disturbing.
Today I did something different for me. I went for a walk, which H and I used to do quite a lot, but I haven't done in months. For me, this was a small but significant step in the right direction, because I realized that I have been stuck in this rut of doing the same unproductive routine all the time. I finally broke out of it today, at least in a small way. This is the real face of depression: getting up every day and fighting the same battle you fought yesterday, to accomplish the smallest thing. Sometimes you even win that day's battle. And then you get up the next day and start back at the beginning with the same battle.
Today is the first time I have gone farther than the mailbox, or gotten dressed, since Tuesday or Wednesday. And...just down the street from my house, while I was on my walk, I saw the white dove again! (Or one just like it.) I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't gone for that walk, and yet there it was! It was at the edge of a roof, sitting in the gutter. Maybe nesting; it was still there when I walked back by, at least an hour later.
Anyway...I would like my life to improve dramatically all of a sudden, but maybe I need to adjust to the idea of just doing a little bit better each day than the one before. Maybe I need to concentrate on conquering molehills instead of mountains. Today, a walk; tomorrow, maybe I can get out my bicycle. Maybe the next day I can actually drive someplace to do something I enjoy, even if I am doing so alone.
Today I was thinking about the possibility of moving. I mean moving far away. I don't plan to ever give up on my H, or on our M, as I believe that God will see us as M for the rest of our lives, but I also believe that if our legal tie is broken, there won't be a lot of reason for me to stay in the city where I live, even though I have lived here for 20 years. I have lost many of my local friends in the M shakedown, and the few that are left are drifting away, either physically (the couple friends I leaned on most post-bomb are moving out of state for job reasons) or emotionally (my closest local friend is lost in her own MLC madness and I really don't enjoy being around her these days).
I moved here right after college, even before we were engaged, for H, because it is his hometown, and most of his family was here--all of the immediate family, and most of the extended. I was finally forced to look into moving elsewhere for my work, because I was having a trouble finding work in my field locally, but then I did find a job here, and before I lost it again a couple of months later, H and I were engaged, so I stayed. Now most of H's immediate family have scattered to faraway places, so only his brother (and BIL's 2 kids) are still local, and H and his brother have a tenuous R, although probably closer now that they have both ditched their W's (BIL got a D about 3 years ago).
My mother lives in the house I grew up in, 2 hours away, and although we are in touch every day (due to her fears regarding me living alone and having a suicidal history), I don't actually see her more than a handful of times in a year. I have no other relatives nearby other than H's family.
So...it occurred to me that if it came to that, I would be free to move wherever I wanted, and I started thinking about where I might like to move. It is difficult, because the places I am most fond of are all places I visited on vacation with H, and I am not yet detached enough not to think of that association. (Although that also has to do with why I want to move in the first place--too many places around here make me think of H, and on top of that, I don't want to run into him [especially with OW!] or the friends who have turned their backs on me.)
If I could eliminate that emotional connection, and if I had unlimited funds, I think I would like to live on the beach on the Florida panhandle during the spring and fall, Mackinac Island (in Michigan) during the summer, and a nice warm Caribbean island--maybe something in the Florida Keys--during the winter. I am limited in how much traveling I like to do--I like to be home with my cats and my own familiar things, so that might be a bit much, moving four times a year. But I have a while to think about it, regardless, and I need to come up with a way to be independently wealthy, too!
Okay, time to close up shop for the night; I'm done yammering for the moment, and you have all probably gone to sleep with my long-winded nonsense.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer of some advice if I needed it. Is it easier for me to put it here or will you go over to my thread in newcomers. I need a bit of advice as to how to handle the latest instalment via email from H. BTW ordered the DR book today, couldn't find it in a library here.
Not sure how to attach my thread here like others seem to.
I thought it was pretty cool too!
Maybe nesting; it was still there when I walked back by, at least an hour later.