Lots to catch up on. I'm glad you're having such a splendid time. Your life is happening now...and that is the beauty of a great escape. You live, breathe and experience the fullness of life as YOU regardless of she...
Well, I'm hiring a Field Service Engineer in my territory! Not quite your cup of tea, but the pay is good.
Didn't get a chance to say this earlier, what with prepping for the Great European Getaway and all, but -- dammit, that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
Well, I'm hiring a Field Service Engineer in my territory! Not quite your cup of tea, but the pay is good.
Didn't get a chance to say this earlier, what with prepping for the Great European Getaway and all, but -- dammit, that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
SP,
Honey, if that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to you, you are running with the wrong crowd!!
Just sayin'.
And no offense to MB - who's setting me up on a date!
Un-freaking-believable. Now WAW and I have been communicating in a fairly okay / not bad / could be worse kind of way, and she'd said something in an email that sort of pecked away at the ol' medulla oblongata. She said in this sort of aside that wasn't an aside the following:
Quote:
And, btw, when I do tell people I tell them that I am getting a divorce or, if they know you, that we are, not that I am divorcing you.
So I called bullsh*t and said that this framing implied an affirmative agency on my part. "We are getting a divorce" means that out there there exists Divorce, and "we" are moving toward it to "get" it. No no no -- I was given a divorce, sez I. Remember how I came in to the kitchen and you were standing there and declared "I want a divorce?" That was laying a divorce at my feet and saying, "Here, hon."
So this is her reply, which -- perhaps appropriately on the 6-month anniversary of Da Bom -- could have come right out of her mouth that day. Square One baby!
Quote:
From my POV, we are getting divorce because you broke my heart. You didn't love me or want me or care enough about me to meet me 1/2 way or any way at all.
Yyyyyyyyep. Right back to no responsibility, no culpability, and oh? That swingin' Signore Schmuckatelli? "A symptom, not a cause." ( )
Then she does this nice, snarky knife-stick that I really have to sort of admire in a "wow you really are a b*tch" kind of way:
Quote:
Fortunately for you, I have no doubt that the next woman in your life will be far more beautiful, fun, exciting, and intelligent than I am and will be more important to you than I ever was so you won't fall into this same situation again.
I ignored it all. But hot holy dam, makes me glad to be where I am. From time-to-time on these threads I've mused on the question, is it the case that Walkaway is Walkaway's "true self" during the process?
And I think I'm going to have to say, "Sometimes....yes."
The person that wrote that email? Blechh. Wouldn't wish that person on my worst enemy -- hell, I wouldn't wish that person on Signore Schmuckatelli.
(Of course, that's not necessary. The Schmuckster didn't wish that person on himself -- dumped her as soon as he'd landed her in the boo-doir.)
Alrighty then. It's really late here in Former Communist Country, my adrenalin from the opening business meeting has just drained away, and that bed sitting there, mocking me, mere inches from where I type is, I suspect, going to win this round.
Has anyone told you people you rock lately? 'Cause you do!
Gosh, do they all read the same book?! You know, How to End Your Marriage in Ten Easy Steps .
Oh yeah, I got the "symptom not a cause" thing too. Not from xH--'cuz even now he won't admit there's an OW, even while D spends a lot of time with her and family. But from a good friend--who, to my great amazement, placed all the blame on me. Of course, xH had his ear for months--and no one ever bothered to clue me in. xH was very very good at deflecting blame and spinning it so he was the victim. I think that's Chapter 8.
And of course, the whole business of who actually ended the marriage. xH suggested lightly that we file jointly so he could get on with his life (oh, of course, whatever you want, dear). Of course, that was he could tell people--as your Mrs. is intending--that it was a mutual agreement. No thank you, I said--if you want it, you do it, because I really want no part of it. Chapter 3.
No culpability, no responsibility, no accountability. So they can be both the perpetrator and the victim. Brilliant strategy, ain't it?
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
The person that wrote that email? Blechh. Wouldn't wish that person on my worst enemy -- hell, I wouldn't wish that person on Signore Schmuckatelli.
That is the funniest thng I have heard in a long time .. well since I heard about the upturned bananas in your trolley at the super market being a good way to pick up single guys !!
WAW is deep in a feel-sorry-for-herself funk. Because Signore dumped her, presumably. She's sending me these pick-pick-pick emails, in full-bore rewriting mode. Apparently the session -- the only one so far -- with Fabulous MC#2 which she said originally was "to better co-parent" was now to "explore relationships with each other for our own sakes."
Whatever the h*ll THAT means.
And she's angry that I'm "suspicious" and "cagey" and "obviously not committed" to Fab MC#2.
Ummmmmm, wha'? We've only been the one time. That was nearly a month ago. I asked 4 times if you were going to schedule another session. You never said you were going to make one. Ehhhhh, so that makes me cagey...how, exactly?
So this is the Gucci Paradigm at work in a nutshell. 8 months into The Process, having DB'd like a mo-fo, having watched WAW run off to Upstate City for tete-a-tetes with Signore Schmuckatelli, having been spit on, having been called every name in the book, having been told I was a "nice guy, but just not her guy," having Walked My Path and Rolled My Way.....and nothing -- I fly off on the Great European Getaway and BANG! WAW's jealous.
Now if I were a more @Coachly sort, I'd say that was awesome. Here, kitty-kitty.
But what's really going on? She's jealous...why? Because Signore has no more use for her now that he got what he wanted. So WAW turns to the familiar -- well, SP'll always be into me.
Meh. Maybe not so much. I don't trust it, I don't trust her, I don't believe she's changed an iota. And as Schnarch writes, you don't have to believe anything until you experience it -- and I haven't experienced it. Let another Signore come into her life, and a dollar will get you a donut that she'll be right back in the deepest part of The Fog.
When you're ready to give this a ponder, here are two insights related to your sitch:
1) If what you're feeling atm could be classified as resentment (Oh, NOW she's interested in working on it!), there are folks talking about that very thing over in Piecing. I think it's in the Tips thread? Maybe a sep thread for Advice? I'll see if I can dig up links tomorrow.
2) You've expressed several feelings common to the WAS. Not trusting that the changes are real or lasting. When you wanted to work on things, she didn't, and now that she does, you feel irked about it. And now you're not so sure *you* want to work on it. There's some powerful insight (and empathy, maybe?) for your WAW there if you think about it some.
Have a great trip!!
Last edited by Dia; 08/18/0906:19 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Good points, Dia. There's certainly some resentment, but it's resentment that she's picking away at me, not that she wants to "work on it" -- because I'm not sure she DOES want to "work on it." I think she wants validation for....something. Because her beau dumped her, and that was the escape.
With respect to your second comment. It's not a matter of "not trusting that the changes are real or lasting." There ARE no changes. She's making the same arguments, manifesting the same behaviors, making the same demands. So I'm not "irked" that she wants to work on the M and I'm not sure I do -- I'm irked that she doesn't want me to work ON MY LIFE just because SHE isn't getting ahead in her life.
I was never not-empathetic for WAW. I heard her and validated what she said. But as I've discussed in earlier threads, I came to the point that I wasn't going to let her define the agenda anymore.
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