Thank you so much for the replies thus far. I always take whatever insight/advice you give as I still consider myself a beginner when it comes to this DB thing. That said, this is what's been on my mind these last two days.
When my wife and I were first married, we were very affectionate and emotionally there for each other. This bond was naturally there due to there being a sense of safety and security in our relationship, which I have found to be of utter importance in my relationship. So although my wife (or ex-wife to not confuse any new comers) says she is not affectionate or does what to communicate, the truth is she is completely able to since she did it consistently while we where married.
The problem here is that there is not enough trust there - its growing but still needs time to cultivate. We've made a lot of progress, but I've gotten very needy lately, which has in turn lead to nagging and me being pushy in trying to mold my wife into my image of what a relationship should be. In other words, I'm trying to microwave the relationship into what it use to be when the reality is that restoration is more like a crock pot.
I agree that my wife needs to be more understanding, more considerate of my needs and better at communicating. But I abandon my family for over a year when my daughter was born. In my wife's greatest hour of need, I was nowhere to be found. That type of breach of trust is going to take a lot longer to restore and I need to understand that right now is not the time for me to be getting my needs met. Although that really sucks, I am still in the DB phase where I still need to prove my worth, still show her that I am not the same person. Unfortunately, only time can bring back that sense of safety and security.
What I need to do is continue to love her unconditionally (which these last few weeks I've done a poor job of doing). This has to be about making her happy and me understanding that I have a responsibility to met my own needs. I cannot allow my happiness to swing up and down depending on the emotional state of my wife.
What I can do is focus on the many victories we've made. The fact that there is enough there for her to want to marry me and give me a second try is worth celebrating. In time, she will come around - that is the nature of love, but more importantly the nature of trust.
Paradoxically, I need to focus more on myself - but in the DB matter of being selfish. I need to keep working on making me a better person, on exercising, developing, doing good on the job, etc. Coupled with showing the other person how much you care, that is what makes a person want to be close to you.
Is my wife being selfish. In many ways yes. But I understand that she is simply trying to protect herself. It is unrealistic for me to expect her to suddenly pretend as if what I did never happened. Maybe as I get further in this DB process it will not be okay for her to be selfish, but in this early stage she has every right to until enough safety points can be deposited.
------- That said, my wife and I did have a talk about this on Saturday. In short, she told me that she felt like I was trying to force her into the relationship instead of allowing it to just happen. She told me that she loves me a lot and wants to make it work, but that she is just not quite there yet and that we need time to allow our relationship to grow. That said, she wants us to be engaged and to work on us until we are ready to be married - which she indicated she'd like to see happen next year. She reminded me that I was the one that screwed the relationship up, so I can't expect her to just act like I didn't do anything
So for now, I am going to propose to her but I will not marry her until we've gotten further in this DB process. There is just too much healing that needs to take place before we make that big leap. As for the house, I am going to still get it. Although not the ideal location for me, I like the house and the school district is one of the best for my daughter.
That said, this DB process takes a lot of patience and really does test the upper limits of one's strength. I can't tell you how much I felt like throwing in the towel these last few weeks. However, my family is worth the fight and I am so close to getting them back. I cannot allow the things I cannot control to control me. I need to have faith in this process and keep remembering where I've been and where I'm at now. Still lots of work to do, but nothing great in life is without a sacrifice.
-------- I will write some more later. I know that it seems like I take forever now to reply, but with work and spending time with the family, exercising, etc - its not always easier for me to make time to surf the net but I will make a better effort.
Hi Prvbs31, I will read your story and see what advice I can offer. Most likely, it will be later this week when I am not half asleep.
Thanks
PS love to hear from Breton39, FaithfulH and Lodo - your words of wisdom of this last year has really gotten me through a lot
