It's been awhile since I last posted and wanted to thank you all for your prayers and hugs. I have been doing a lot of deep thinking over the last month on my situation with my H.
In retrospect, I have been examining my H actions. It's said on here time and again actions are louder than words. His actions since Feb or so have been spot on for reconcillation to be complete. I understand to a degree that he needed closure. He said he felt she made the decision for him by her actions and he needed to feel it was his decision... lot more stuff with that but it does make some sense. It doesn't change the fact that he did it behind my back and that was wrong. What is right is his behavior over the past 6 months. Especially since I found out about the contact he had with her last fall.
I found this out in May and to be honest I shut down. I shut him down. I ask him to leave and I said lots of vile things about him and her.... I've been pretty ugly about the whole thing and my vocabulary has been rotten. I had held my tongue for a long time and my anger and I put it all forth. It was not pretty. He never waivered. He never changed his tune about wanting to be here. He never stopped trying to show me emotional and physical affection... he never stopped telling me he loved me. I have stopped all of the above to him.
Part of me wanted him to have some consequence... let me show him how it feels to be rejected and so on. So that's what I have been doing. I was closely becoming a WAS. Fantasies of other men, another life have been dancing dangeroulsy around in my head. It's was the hardest thing to do ... to not act upon it.
I spent a good 3 weeks away from him and you know the opposite sex can sniff out a hurt and wounded soul from a mile away. Surrounded by nice drs. and nurses didnt' help. In someways I am lucky that I have witnessed this on the other side and that is what has saved me. I know the hurt involved so when the nice and charming Dr. asked me to meet him for coffee when he got off. I declined... we had lots of conversation before this regarding my mom.. where you from...and it just started building from there. Conversation only, in person only. I soon recognized I was playing with fire from the devil. I was hurting in my marriage, my mom was dying and he was a nice man to talk to. Things like that show me there is another way of life out there. I get confused if God is trying to show me this by letting me find stuff out about my H, and then showing me the "light".
Anyway, I stepped away before I could get burned and my family could get burned.... and in light of things that happened ... I know I couldnt' hurt my H in that way nor my children.
I have decided to recommit myself to this M. I will let my H know on Friday as we are attending a weddng and then staying overnight at a resort for the reception. I will return to him 100%. He shall know that if there is every ANYTHING else to do with OW. I am done. There will be no if ands or buts. DONE.
SO, that's the update... I won't stop looking for signs though for a very long time. I hope and pray I am not wrong about this decision. I based it on his actions and words.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I am so glad you are willing to take down the wall you put up and give this a real chance.
I know you have every right to end your marriage, there were enough 'reasons' and justifications to do so. But you are choosing not to (at least not now) and that is awesome, to me.
I am glad you could look at his actions without filtering them through your hurt/anger. I think sometimes that is hard to do. I know that the LBS' often do the opposite. We cling to any positive word we hear to continue to give us hope, when if we looked at actions, we would see we were clinging to nothing.
Your case is the opposite. He was trying to show you his sincerity but you viewed it through the filter of hurt and mistrust. Now that you had time to step away and look with new eyes, I am glad that you like what you see.
And good for you not going out with the doctor. I am sure it was tempting given all you have been through. And I would bet it helped you see how a lot of these things get started...
I hope and pray I am not wrong about this decision. I based it on his actions and words.
I was so glad sandy that I noticed that you had posted this cuz I was just about ready to head out the door and temporarily break my semi-addiction to here yet again.
I could not help but smile as I read through it. To read as you described the battle being waged within you, for sure a spiritual battle, and to watch as yet again the Lord works upon your heart. I sense that these very trying times for you as you work through the pain of your recent loss have brought an awful lot of developement in you and made you even a more super sandy.
That post really did wonders for my heart on a lot of levels. Can you perhaps tell my wife how you were able to make that spinarama maove that you did. Oh well, I hope, dream and surely pray.
Of course your family will be lifted up in my prayers. You are a very clear headed and rock solid woman. May the love of the Lord reach out and touch you and bless you and sustain you.
I can't believe I didn't see your post over the weekend! I'm sorry for the delay in posting!!
You're a good lady, with a strong heart. And your H is a lucky man. Just try to remember to be kind to yourself!
And a very good friend of mine who is a very smart cookie just reminded me today of the need to take things slow and steady...... so I'll pass on that wise advice to you now!!
((((((hugs))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Thanks for checking in. I went back home to sort thru moms affairs. I am back "home" now and things are okay.
I am having trouble on the "trust" front but that's to be expected.... nothing that he has done new... just old baggage. I long for the day where it's not thought about.
I seem to try to give it over but it keeps bouncing back... Haha
Work in Progress... he's happy as long as I don't want any deep talking done(about R)that stresses him out. But I like to talk about things... he doesn't. Working on that.
We'll see how the fall goes.
How are you doing?
Blessings....
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Thanks for checking in. I went back home to sort thru moms affairs. I am back "home" now and things are okay.
I am having trouble on the "trust" front but that's to be expected.... nothing that he has done new... just old baggage. I long for the day where it's not thought about.
I seem to try to give it over but it keeps bouncing back... Haha
Work in Progress... he's happy as long as I don't want any deep talking done(about R)that stresses him out. But I like to talk about things... he doesn't. Working on that.
We'll see how the fall goes.
How are you doing?
Blessings....
Hi again dear sandycay,
How wuz the 'soting out of your mom's affairs'. Hope you were able to get most of it handled. Where was she living at the end of her life. Do you have a home to take care of selling? Whatever the case, I am sure it is all pretty hectic so I hope you don't have too much more to have to deal with. Any sibblings to assist you with it all?
"he's happy as long as I don't want any deep talking done(about R)that stresses him out. But I like to talk about things... he doesn't."
I have to say that I got a chuckle over this. That is because from where I sit, this far and away epitomizes the 'conflict' of gender socio type stuff. The key is sandy that you have to trick the guy into these kinda talks. I shouldn't have to provide to many more instructions in this area as you women pretty well know how to be tricky IMO. But briefly, what I mean by that is to alternate the medium. SOmetimes make your "talk" be in the form of a written note, ...try to break a talk like this down into bite sized pieces and make sure to include some kinda semi-straight forward type of question in your R chat for him to be able to feel apart of the talk and not just be the receiver of your talking if he so chooses.
Be creative with it and in so doing it keeps things off balance and fresh in the approach. That way 'us' guys don't just look at it as just another one of them usual typical R talks that we have to endure.
Hope your autumn is a great one.
I am doing well. I have not had much to say on my own thread. I was getting tired of putting updates on there maybe I will reconsider that ..idk. There is maybe a small part of me that feels nearly guilty to be mentioning that things are smoothing out and progressing decently (being fairly modest ..to an extent)between myself and my darling.
SOme quick highlights before I head off to fly for my :20 daily morning flight (such a long grueling work day I know ..haha)
We are spending plenty of w/e together and by the end of them we haven't gouged each other's eyes out (so to speak ..of course lol). Those w/e's together are always in hotel rooms until we tackle the issue of getting our own place as she nor I have our own place but rather live with friends ..on the cheap. So that kinda stinks for now anyway. In a milestone (the first of those since about the beginning of the year, she brought up us getting back into counseling and asked if I would be interested. I nearly dropped the phone when I heard her say it. The ILY's are plentiful and the actions that support it are coming along nicely as well. So, things are clearly trending upwards
Got to go. Have a great w/e. I will be spending mine in Pittsburgh with my folks at the National Welsh Gymanfa Ganu. I am a proud Welshman. If you care to know of it, it can be searched. In short ..lots of singing. Funny coming from me ...
Well my friends... seems I need to move out of Piecing and in to limbo land. Not sure were to start posting now.
H has been truthful lately about letting me know he doesn't Love me that way anymore and in fact he now thinks he didn't for quite some time and that led to the affair. He thinks it's unfair to me for him to string me along and that I deserve better. He is scared to move out because telling his kids and me that before was the hardest and scariest thing he has ever done and his over whelming sense of duty has kept in here this long. He says he has tried over the last year and half to "ramp" it up ..ie. trying to find a way to love me like that via trips, special things and such (and he has) but at the end of the day even though we had fun he still can't feel that for me anymore.
This is all said over the last two-three weeks and never in emotional outburst. I can tell he is hurting over this lack of feeling and I think if he could change it he would. As of right now there are no plans for him leaving but it has been talked about seriously as of last night. Solutions, goals and such. He did say last night that this time would be different and that he wouldn't want to stiff arm the kids as he did last time.
To that I replied but don't you see that you will be taking my time away from them ... I will be losing them too! He said our family will fly away like dust because we live where there is no family and our kids will soon be off in the world with no real place to call home. This bothers him. He asked if I would leave the state with them and I told him no... maybe I should have said yes!
So.. what do I do now? I guess I need to move to another thread... any suggestions? No, he won't go to counseling he already knows all the answers and questions.
Blessings to you
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Interestingly enough, that is what my H told me when he finally said we were over a few weeks ago. That he tried to find the 'spark' but it wasn't there and I deserved to find someone whose face lit up when they saw me...
I don't have any answers for you, but I will be thinking of you! If I knew how to make 'it' come back, I wouldn't still be here...sorry.
It is a tough situation to be in. I think the butterfly feeling comes and goes in a relationship, that is just the nature of the beast. Someone once said the key to a long relationship is that you don't both fall 'out of love' at the same time. I guess that assumes you both will do so along the way from time to time?
OK I am not helping so I will jump off, but I am thinking of you and I am bummed for you, I have been rooting for you both.
