OK, I wish I would have had time to give the overview to you (Stace and Stronger), but I just can't do it.
I'm at a point, since DB'ing starting last November, and doing everything WRONG for 10 months prior to that, that this glacial pace of improvement is okay for me, BUT, personally, I need to do something for me. I feel like he is starting to think I've accepted our situation. I haven't. I'm patiently doing what I have needed to do to move forward.
I wrote H a short email note.
H:
I’ve read this article at least ten times, identifying more each time with this woman. So much of this rings true. Since last November, I have taken this approach of giving you distance, loving you from afar, all the while, desiring this happy ending, and believing in us. I pray for a Thanksgiving moment like this family’s someday.
I really think this NY Times article is fabulous. The W in this is a bit more brave than I, but close in approach and stance. H should relate to the H in this article. He has only once brought up leaving (back in 2007, while really pissed and slightly buzzed). And, then told me shortly afterward that he didn't really want to leave. I know he loves me, and he adores our family. I've been only slightly suspicious of the idea of an OW, because H's family is a bit whacked, as is his relationships w/his siblings. They are famous for "writing each other off." I think he was trying to do that w/me back in 12/07, but realized he can't, then I pressured him like crazy for 10 months, and now he's slowly coming back. IF he didn't have this whacked family dynamic, I would be more suspicious of an OW. (Also, he is most always where he says he is, avail if I call, work travel checks out w/colleagues, and checks in regularly when he travels.)
I'm not caving, and going back to any old ways. It might just be time to give him a little marital support and welcome. Not sure. I won't send/do/say anything else, unless it's initiated by him.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Pinot Grigio on the night stand as I type! Too much caffeine today!
My S9 was in a (go figure) SOCCER commercial this afternoon - for one of the local hospitals. They needed a keeper to shoot a few scenes with the rest of this "team." S12 and I ended up being "fans"! LOL Hilarious! It took four hours, though! I must have had five Diet Cokes!
S9 already has ego issues! He's nuts now!
Fab bag, huh? Ha! I'll check it out! Color? Style?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I read that article a bit ago, someone in MLC posted it. The thing that struck me was that the time frame seemed very atypical, at least based on all of the situations I've read about here in the past four years (including yours). (I was a long term lurker.) So, from that standpoint I worry that the article might raise unreasonable expectations. The methods, I do agree with. But it can take a lot longer. If it works at all. I know you know all that, since you've already lived it.
Thanks for that. I completely agree about the timeframe part. I think it can take six months just to build up to the point in the anger stage to verbalize all of the script MLC stuff. I think I need extra time, considering I begged, cried, pleaded, whined, etc... for 10 MONTHS, post bomb. Explode, apologize for creating the explosion, agree to do better, he returns (almost every weekend for awhile). Prior to all of that, but post bomb, he thought we would slowly get better again.
With that said, I understand the timing. I f'in hate it, but I understand it. It took a LONG time to get to that point in Dec/07. It will take a long time to get away from it.
I've since worked on me. I don't react the way I used to. I don't force him or guilt him into purchases. I succeed on my own again. I try not to try and control him or the situation. I don't "push."
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
It's good to realize that you had a part to play in getting to this point. But, even with all that, hev made his own choices. So make sure you don't punish yourself for those.
