Hi Tristan, one thing to remember, if setting boundaries with how people can treat you is wrong then expect people to walk all over you.
Would you let people mistreat your children and talk poorly to them and walk all over them, bully them and make them feel bad?
Of course not.
If the situation was reversed, do you really believe your wife would tolerate you seeing another woman and then coming home to have a friendly loving relationship with her? I'm sure she would give you a size 8 up the old address and let you know that if you can't decide which woman to be with, that she would make the decision for you and kindly kick your a$$ out on to the street because if you acted like that to her, it would be grossly disrespectful.
If you aren't looking out for what's in your best interests and your wife doesn't appear to be taking care of that either, who is currently do this job?
I'm not rushing you into making a decision, in the end it's your life that you're living and the consequences of your actions are experienced by you not me or anyone else on this forum.
I can sympathize with you, it doesn't feel right that we should set boundaries with the people we love, you would think it would be understood that they should treat you with love, care & respect and vice versa. But what should be and what actually is tend to be 2 different things.
I guess you have to find your own threshold of tolerance, how long you tolerate her seeing the OM and you continue to be loving towards her, hoping she'll pick you instead of him. Personally speaking, I would step out of the equation altogether, instead of proving to her that you are better than him (which in the end kind of assumes that you don't really know or feel confident that you are better than the OM and have to do things to prove it to yourself and her), I wouldn't compete at all. I would just say "Choose, you've had enough time to indulge yourself in this process and I've had enough, you either choose or I'll make the choice for you."
And if she can't make the choice, as unfortunate as it sounds, you know what the decision is at that point either that or continue being number 2 in her life (if you even rank that high).
Never compete with the other man, ever. When you choose not to compete you communicate that you don't need to and that she is free to live life elsewhere... immediately. When you remove yourself from the equation, another thing happens, the excitement of the affair tends to drop down quite a few notches, the thrill of cheating on a spouse, the inexplicable excitement that is derived from doing something wrong is no longer as high as it once was. How could it be? You're no longer the LBS waiting for his wife to return, you're now the WAS, you've taken back control of the relationship because you now choose not to be part of it and this is key because all along this has been her decision, she has controlled this and not many people tend to understand the dynamic of power in this type of relationship where one spouse is actively cheating on another.
Think about it, you both made a decision to date, see each other, eventually get married, buy a home, car(s), possessions, have children, etc. These were all decisions you were making jointly together. You shared these decisions, you shared this control. When she chose to have an affair and see the OM, she made this decision without you & your consent, she took control of the relationship and has maintained control of this relationship ever since - proof of this? She isn't the one on this forum asking for advice on how to win back her spouse. She isn't going the extra mile to be the perfect spouse, she isn't 100% devoted to your marriage. She has 2 "toys" to play with, the old familiar one (you), the new exciting one (OM). If she isn't forced to make a decision, what would cause her to stop playing with either of her toys? The longer this situation goes on, the harder it will be to make a decision.
I don't know how long you & your wife have been playing out this story of yours but if several months have passed already, that is far too long in my opinion. Separations are not wine, they don't get better with age and if a spouse is permitted the luxury of having a lover outside the marriage without any interference from your end, what would cause them to stop? They are getting different needs met by different partners and it becomes a very ideal situation: exciting, new & different at one end of the spectrum and safe, secure and backup plan at the other end if the first one doesn't work out.
Ask her to make a decision, if you need to, give her a few days at most, after that, make the decision for her knowing that you love & respect yourself enough to not be disrespected by your spouse and you love her enough to let her be happy with someone else since she can't feel that way with you.
Simple & difficult at the same time, I don't envy your position but I also know it's an opportunity for incredible growth on your part and the example you will set and the life you will live afterwards for respecting yourself in such a way will set a standard for your children to emulate - children learn more from the actions of their parents than from any words that are spoken to them, what would you tell them if they were in this situation and it wasn't you?
I previously hijacked your thread momentarily when breakaway and I had opposing views with what Orich should do in his situation and I didn't want comment on your thread without participating in your discussion.
