Golfgirl1, Wish I'd have seen your note on 8/8, instead of 10 days later. Yes, had lots of trouble sleeping. To this day, still sleep with TV on timer. Sometimes, I forget the timer, and wake up in the middle of the night because of it. Have to reset timer, to get back to sleep. My mind whirls. Especially in the night when i wake up. Everyday I would wake up, middle of night, or in very early morning. First thought was always of H, and then the awful shots of adrenaline would shoot through me as I remembered what was happening. I'd cry immediately. I used to die for the chance to sleep late. But, after this, I couldn't stay asleep. I couldn't stop crying. Took Paxil, but it just me feel dead. It did not take the hurt away, did help the crying every so slightly. Didn't even finish the first bottle. It now erks me that my medical records say 'depression'. What the heck! We aren't depressed, we are heart sick. There should be a different pill for that!
That year, I worked lots of hours, till August, with no vacation, just to try to not be alone at home. Also turned down a wonderful job, because I didn't think I could do a good job, with all this going on. I also had a wonderful understanding boss. One night, I decided I'd had it, and told my manager I was fried. needed time off. He said leave, and dont come back for a week. (that was also the night he'd come in to tell me he had been promoted, and was no longer my manager. ) That night, I swear I had a heart attack. The pains went up my arms, and across my chest. Curshing pain. But, after a night in the hosp, and lots of tests, said it wasn't. It happened again several times the next week. Each time my blood pressure had gone sky high. I think it was all the stress, and my veins hurt! My sister told me, and other women have told me since, it was a stress attack. It's happened to them. The best I could do, was try to fill my time as much I could, but then do as everyone here says, give yourself the time to cry, stay in bed, and do whatever you need to. Be good to yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing it. It has gotten better over the years. I don't cry every morning. Sometimes, I go for weeks without crying. Still think of H all the time, first thing I wake up, all day, on and off, through to the time I turn on that TV timer, and finally fall asleep. The noise helps quiet my brain, so I can sleep.
I noticed you have no kids. Me either. No one to have to care for, but ourselves. I've recently started going to a house where a friend plays in the band. Lots of people gather to listen. They always have some food for the break. I started making food to take there. Cooking was large part of what I did for my H. If you have something you always did, that your H loved, (besides sex that is), see if you can find a way to do that for someone, so you feel the same nice feeling of being appreciated. It's fleeting, but, it's a nice break for a troubled heart.
