Long Journey .......... advice please

[Sanderika]

(((((Cas)))))

Have a wonderful couple of days away. Take the time just for you. Leave this all right here. You deserve to be free from these burdens. Enjoy the time.....

Your H asked D where you are going because he is not ready to be free of you and the marriage. He has to keep tabs on you all the time. They have an uncontrollable need to know what we are doing. It's the need to make sure we are still here.

Your H asked D because he apparently felt he could not ask you.
He also knows that D would tell you he asked. It's all part of the game in the MLC mind to hang on to control. My guess is he did not ask you to save face. Afterall, he just got done telling you he never wanted to speak to you again unless it involved the kids. This will blow over and he will talk to you again about the kids and every other thing he needs to discuss.

Keep in mind his ego drives his behaviors. His anger towards you is not permanent. He can throw the tantrum because your words were not agreeable to him and his ideals of his life and his wants. You crossed his path with the truth and they do not want to face the truths. They are capable of facing it, they would rather live in denial of it. When a truth is presented and it presents them with loss of control they spiral in anger.
AND, just as quickly as they can get angry they can also turn a switch and be "Mr. Nice Guy".

If H is able to ask the kids questions about you and they give him answers he wants, he doesn't have to ask you. The kids want to be loyal to you both, they want to be on both sides and not takes sides all at the same time. I think at this point in time the only way to prevent H from asking the kids questions about you is to keep "you" from the kids. Don't involve them. If they have information they will feel obligated to share with whomever asks. To ask them to keep quite is asking them to choose a side. That is not fair.

In my case I have not set boundaries with my H. I also do not tell him everything he wants to know. I also have a 13 year old son who lives with me and sees his Dad rarely. My son IS loyal to me through and through. I do not have to worry about it. My son being a boy is great for me. Boys will not talk at all....sure you get answers, one word answers, almost always without details. Girls on the other hand give every detail and more whether you want it or not. For instance my son's two favorite answers are..."I don't know" and "nothing". He has found a way that either answer fits pretty much every question.

I know my son uses these on H. H has been here before when I have left son alone and H will call me and he will ask where I am like this: "Hey me and J want to know where you are?" OR "Helloooo J wants to know what planet your sitting on right now?" Well I never leave my son alone without telling him where I have gone and how he can reach me. I am very proud of him, he keeps his mouth shut and not get involved.

Cas and Bonny, boundaries should only be set if they can be adhered to 100%. We are not perfect and will most likely fail ourselves if we set them too strict. I rather choose to create or present things in ways that show H I am me, Sanderika, and I am independant. I don't really need boundaries if I am aware of my actions and own my choices. I choose to answer the phone or not. I choose to help H with a project or not. I choose to ML to H or not. I choose to share my whereabouts with H or not.

H has learned here that I am me now. He has learned that our lives are separate and there are not expectations on either side. A friendship is something we definitely have recreated.
We have to get to the point where we are comfortable again with having expectations of each other. Afterall, one of the parts to a friendship is expectation.

This is getting too long....I'll let someone else chime in now...

Take care all....

Sanderika